[wanttostop]

When I was in kindergarten I had a series of sexual experiences with some of my other class mates. I don't think any of it started with me getting molested, but who really knows. What I do know is that the way I acted when I was very young is effecting me now in very powerful and numerous ways. Without going into specifics, my latest problem has to do with a certain kind of sexual interaction. Some people enjoy looking at boobs, some enjoy legs, or lips. This one thing is nothing like that, and I'm almost positive it stems from one set of encounters in kindergarten. (note: this does not have to do with anything illegal)
This is a very big problem. I can't stop watching porn of it, I find it difficult at times to maintain an erection during sex without thinking about it, and my penis has become desensitized (to the point that I sometimes have trouble noticing that I have orgasmed) from the amount of masturbation I have done over the years (and believe me, it has been a LOT of masturbation). I don't want to keep living like this. Aside from the already stated problems is that fact that this one stupid memory is having such a strangle hold on my life. I don't want to do this anymore, but I don't have any way of asking anyone for help because of the nature of this.
So to be clear, I'm asking for either a way to block the memory, or techniques to overcome its effect on me.

[Enigma1999]

Without going into specifics, my latest problem has to do with a certain kind of sexual interaction. Some people enjoy looking at boobs, some enjoy legs, or lips. This one thing is nothing like that, and I'm almost positive it stems from one set of encounters in kindergarten. (note: this does not have to do with anything illegal)


I understand that you don't want to get into specifics, but what does this mean exactly?

I think it will help us better undestand where you are coming from.

Also, these sexual experiences from kindergarten, what does that consist of? Did you have sex, kiss, make out, what?

Also, how old are you?

[wanttostop]

There is a certain genre of pornography that I had been drawn to my whole life. It has to do with myself, a class mate, and a girl that I liked.

Sexual experiences means pretty much everything.

I am in my mid 20's

[Enigma1999]

Judging by your user name, you are ashamed of yourself. Am I right?

Tell me about the porn. What kind do you like?

How, at such a young age did you know how to engage in sexual activities? Is this something that you saw from some where else?

[wanttostop]

I'm not going to go into the kind of porn, its not important. And yes I am ashamed. Freud said that the only abnormal sexual drive is no sex at all, and I believe that to an extent. So the shame really stems from my lack of control.

[wanttostop]

In recent weeks I've had more success at stopping myself, but its still hard. The drive isn't going away.

I couldn't tell you how I found out about sex so young. I have no idea in the slightest how it started. From my earliest memory I've been sexual

[Alty]

Am I reading this wrong or did you state that all the kids or most of the kids in your kindergarten class had sexual experiences? I find this really disturbing. Where was the teacher?

Have you considered therapy? There's really not much we can do to help. You want to stop and yet you can't find the control to do it. This has become a mental problem and it's time to seek help for a professional therapist.

I wish you all the best. Please look into therapy.

[Cat1864]

If this memory affects you as much as you say it does, then you need counseling/therapy to deal with it NOT block it. Techniques to overcome its effect will only work if the underlying cause of the behavior has been worked out. If it isn't, there is a high probability that the memory and its effects will come back when you don't want it to and stronger than before.

[wanttostop]

Thank you everyone for the advice. Ill probably seek a counselor in the near future to deal with this.

Altenweg - yeah I find it disturbing too. At one point the teacher saw what we were doing and told us to wait until high school. Of course I had no idea what that meant at the time, and it didn't stop us from doing anything. There were even some things I can't remember that my class mates had remembered that stood out in their minds but not in mine. The one person I had kept in contact with up until recently had not been effected by it. Although he is a drug addict now. Probably unrelated.
The complacency of the one teacher that said something in my memory may be indicative of the mind frame of the teaching staff as a whole. There was more than one, so one ore more may have been complicit.

Cat1864 - when you're right you're right. I was hoping someone was going to say blocking it would be the best way to go because I know how hard counseling is going to be. When I think back at everything I've done I am very sad. Suffice to say I am not looking forward to this.

[Alty]

You've taken the first step and that's seeking for help. That's to be commended, so don't be so hard on yourself.

Counseling is a scary thing, at first, but if you find the right counselor (it can take a while) you'll be amazed at how much at can help.

I was molested as a child, and I did have many issues because of it. What happened to you at the age of 5 is not your fault. Yes kids explore, but sexually at 5? Not unless there's an outside influence (in my opinion). I was 5 when the molestation began. One thing I've learned because of counseling is that no matter how much I felt guilt, it really wasn't my fault. At the age of 5 we're not sexual creatures, we don't understand that aspect of ourselves.

I hope you keep us posted and I hope that you can get this resolved. I am not 40, and my past is behind me. The issues I had no longer control my life. I did it, so I know you can too.

[Cat1864]

I agree with Altenweg. You have taken a first step and probably the hardest one of all. Give yourself credit for moving forward and asking for help.

I hope that now you have made a decision it gets easier for you to follow through. Good luck.