[LonelyRelation]

I'm 25 and have been dating a guy for 9 years. We had a rocky start, he wasn't comfortable with physical touches and didn't seem to want me around and it seemed that we were just friends if anything, so I cheated on him with a guy who did want me. I was honest about everything and in doing so, saw how much he really wanted me around and it seemed he was just not used to the sexual side of a relationship. Things got better physically, but I've always had to initiate.

After a year we got engaged. But, 8 years later and we're not married. We have bought a house together and as far as the outward happy couple goes, we look okay. But over time, I have gotten sick of rejection and no longer initiate anything physical. I love the gym and running, that is now my release. We will have sex maybe once a month, but then I'm not allowed to touch him.

9 years is a lot of time to give up on. But I don't feel like we're a couple, I am completely unsatisfied. What can I do?

[serenemeadow]

I think you already know that it is over. You BOTH have given up sex with each other. You don't FEEL like a couple. You are completely UNSATISFIED. Its time to move on.

You've dated this guy since you were 16 and now you are 25, you have missed a lot on life. Lay him down gently and start rebuilding your life. I guarantee you there will be plenty of better lovers out there that will please you like you can never imagine, make you feel like a queen, etc.

[answerme_tender]

Lonely,

I would say you have given it your all. If you are done, then stop wasting your time in a relationship that I seriously doubt will really improve when it comes to physical aspect. Unless he would consider getting some serious counseling.

Have you ever asked him why he is the way he is? In my opinion, it sounds like he might have been molested at a early age, and that is why he has very little interest, or if he lets himself want, he may feel like he encouraged this past molestation. Only he knows why, and if he doesn't maybe he needs to have a physical, maybe its were he doesn't produce enough testosterone.

[Jake2008]

I don't think it has to be over. The lack of intimacy has been consistent, and a part of your relationship with this man, for almost a decade.

Why is it a problem now, and not five years ago.

I think that you must love him very much, and he you, to stay together, despite the lack of your needs being met.

But consider this. It is not 'normal' for a man to have such a low sex drive, and/or issues with being touched, for such a very long time. This is not simply suddenly losing interest in what used to be a healthy sex drive. There is much more going on with him, and I wonder if it has ever been addressed.

Has he seen his Doctor about this? When is the last time he had a thourough checkup. And do you have any idea why he doesn't like to be touched? Are there any issues of abuse with him, from his past, before he knew you. Are there, or has there ever been a serious illness? Are there any issues, past or present, with substance abuse. Is he disabled in some way and on medication?

I would say until you know what is causing this, it is too early to bail. If you can manage to get him to address the two issues, starting with his family Doctor, and then rule out any and all possible reasons, only then would I say you have exhausted all possibilities, and that is simply the way he is.

Otherwise, in my opinion, I see this as coping more with the symptoms, rather than sorting out the cause.