[alvinw87]

Hi again,

I had a previous post about my girlfriend becoming more and more distant.. I had my suspicions about her cheating and Ive asked her before and she denied it. Last night I guess I did something really unethical - I checked her phone and it confirmed my worst suspicions - she'd cheated on me with not one but 2 guys.

The way I confronted her about it wasn't entirely honest I guess. I didn't want to let her know I looked at her texts; instead I just sort of told her I knew she was cheating on me based on changes in her behaviour. She denied it all the way, and rather convincingly so, which really really disgusted me. She then went on about how I had trust issues and was a very insecure person. At the end of it I asked to break up - she seemed pretty reluctant and kept asking either to remain as friends or leave open the possibility of patching up.

It's clear I have to move on. However, I know checking her phone wasn't entirely the right thing to do - should I come clean and tell her what I did so that she'll stop denying it and acting like I'm the one with issues, or should I just forget about it?

Thanks for reading.

[ITstudent2006]

Well there are a few questions here.

1. How much integrity do you have?
2. Do you plan on patching things up later?
3. How do you know she was cheating?

How much Integrity do you have?
If you're the type of person that dishonesty eats you away inside then by all means tell her.

Patching things up?
If you're over her then it doesn't matter whether you tell her or not, either action will have it's reactions. Positives and negatives!

A) If you tell her she will at least realize why you broke up. She may know now (because you told her you knew she was cheating) but evidence is the deal breaker. Can't argue against cold hard evidence.

B) If you don't tell her it may or maynot eat away inside. It also may never resolve any tension you or she feels toward the other. But if you don't plan on getting with her than some would say who cares!

However, if you plan on patching things up later then coming clean now will be your best bet. Integrity goes a long ways in life especially in a relationship.

How do you know she cheated?
How did these texts reflect her cheating? Unless of course they were texts to her friends saying "hey, I cheated in JOEBLOW with two guys."

I'm just wondering how you know?

[mmresd]

I think you should forget about her. The sooner you are done with her the sooner you can start moving on. She cheated one you not once, but twice... so why even wonder about whether you should have any contact with her still? Leave her alone, she betrayed you, and go do your own thing. Look for someone who deserves you, not someone who will be constantly betraying your trust and taking you for granted. Don't tell her anything, she knows what she did, just leave her alone and MOVE ON!

Good Luck,

Javi

[alvinw87]

Mresd: Yes, I'm trying to move on, I'm just still wondering if I should tell her I have cold hard evidence
ITstudent: a lot to think about here. I don't plan on patching things up.. so maybe it doesn't matter. But I just don't want her leaving with that idea in her head that I'm some insecure guy. Maybe insecure to some extent, but they weren't unjustified in the end. She's probably wondering about how I was so sure of myself - maybe I should make it clear to her about how much I know, while not telling her how I found out.
Well, let me just say with one of the guys the texts were pretty graphic; with the other it was more of a confession to a friend that she'd slept with him. And a declaration to that same friend that she was going to cheat on me bcos I was "useless in bed". Ouch.
Thanks for your replies.

[ITstudent2006]

Here's a better idea. Since you don't plan on patching things up. A little payback is in order.

She probably does wonder how you were so sure. Leave it at that. Don't tell her, that will be your payback.

Move on and be happy.

[pandead]

I agree with IT here, why do you even care about what she thinks, you are "the insecure guy" to her, but she's "the cheating *****" to you.

To pick, I'd be the insecure guy ;)

[smoothy]

I'll third that... walk away... and don't give her the satisfaction of letting her know how you found out... you don't have to do anything, you don't stoop to anything... you keep the moral high ground... and best of all, she will be bothered by HOW you found out for some time.

There are far better women out there... go find one of them.

[mmresd]

Nah, what is the point in telling her? Don't waste anymore of your time with her, just forget about her man, she is not worth your thoughts. Let it go and move on, let her wonder what happened for the rest of her life, you are lucky to be the one leaving with the knowledge of what actually happened and why there had to be a break up, because a lot of times you never really find out why the break up happened. So be happy about the time that you enjoyed with her and don't hate her for having betray you, just kick her out from your life because you don't want to be surrounded by people like that.

Good Luck,

Javi

[slapshot_oi]

It's clear I have to move on. However, I know checking her phone wasnt entirely the right thing to do - should I come clean and tell her what I did so that she'll stop denying it and acting like I'm the one with issues, or should I just forget about it?

I would refrain from ever telling you that you did that. You'll gain nothing and give her more ammunition to injure you with. Protect yourself. We're all in consensus on that.

Secondly, you won't giver her the impression that your insecure by keeping your secret from her. Insecurity, in terms of trusting another, is accusing her when she's innocent. She's not innocent. If she cares at all, she's going to think you're very keen and sharp. Let her think this.

Spying isn't noble, but at least you acknowledge that and you also had reason to do it. There are plenty of boyfriends who, without any reason, give their girlfriends the third-degree every day and take time out of their days just to spy and stalk.

This girl sounds angry and remorseless. She's not girlfriend material.

[mmresd]

Ive been there :)

[alvinw87]

Thanks everyone for the replies! I need to cut her out of my life for sure.. she's a cancer. It's just so hard to forget the good times, and there were a lot of those..
One more thing though.. I help her put together her bike, it's still at my place. After the breakup she said she'd call me when she wanted to come over to see me and get her bike. Thing is I don't want anything to do with her anymore. Should I just ignore her when she calls?

[Just Looking]

Do you have a mutual friend where you could drop it off for her to pick up?

[DoulaLC]

Do you have a mutual friend where you could drop it off for her to pick up?

Good idea, or if she does call for it, tell her you will leave it out front for her and end the call.

[smoothy]

Do you have a mutual friend where you could drop it off for her to pick up?

I like that idea as well.