[QLP]

I mean look at the whole picture of who she is, who you are, and how that fits together. Where do you see the relationship going? Try and let go of these details that are haunting you.

Can you accept a future with someone who has different moral standards to you? Can you see yourself reaching acceptance on her past, because it surely isn't going to change. You have repeatedly asked her not to keep sharing this with you, but for whatever reason it appears to be important to her to do so. Can you accept that? Can you accept a sexual relationship with someone who values the sex in the relationship differently to you? Can you accept that she feels the need to remain in contact with these people? Does the fact that she sees what you do sexually as unimportant figure as a plus or a minus?

You keep talking about how you both are going to change but you cannot bank on that happening. Can you accept the relationship without that change? If not, just how long are you willing to wait to see if these changes ensue?

[smoothy]

what do you mean by the 'whole picture'? we do have different sexual values. for her,its just an act. giving blowjobs to boost her ego maybe? she does it when she is depressed or lonely or drunk which i find very weird. no lust,attraction or liking to that person.. or doesnt realise who the person was until the next morning. and it sinks in what she did.. or who she did....
Today she tells me.. she asked her one night stand what all happened that night because she didnt remember.. he told her that she was just licking his thing a couple of times but then pushed him away and went unconscious..So she says it wasnt technically a blowjob.. wonderful technical 'details'..again..

And you believe this... Blowjobs are an even more intimate sexual act than straight intercourse.


Do you want her giving head to your buddies in the future... if its "just and act" . She clearly has trouble with the truth... besides the numerous other issues she has. She's playing you for a fool. I hope you can see this. I think you can... but are have trouble coming to terms with what it actually means to you. And by that I mean... she's playing you for a sucker and that's going to hurt bigtime.

[Pboy87]

Blowjobs are more intimate?oO really?
Well she confessed to me that she gave the guy a 'real good deal'.. because she was dumped by her guy, professionally backstabbed and he was the only one who was by her side. He was her rebound after the ex and he was the only guy who made her feel good about herself and she wanted to make him feel elated and happy and continue making her feel good about herself and boosting her ego.. and also for the fact that she thought that if she had sex with another guy she would get over her ex.. but that didn't happen and she dumped this guy...
One new years night. Her ex and the backstabber messaged her.. and she got depressd and started drinking like crazy and smoking and hookah and apparently started crying.. the guy who was her best friend.. had also had a breakup as he had found out that his girlfriend was cheating on him with 4 other guys.. and was drinking and smoking as well.. well.. he went and hugged her to calm her down.. and she started kissing him and then one thing lead to another.. she did it this time hoping that since last time she did it.. the guy was happy and it boost the guy ego and he praised her more this would happen again this time.. but apparently she madeout with him.. and just licked him a couple of times and pushed him away and passed out.. The guy felt very guilty the next morning and told her that it would be an insult to their friendship.. and that they should date.. but.. she refused as just because you makeout or have sex doesn't mean that you are fit to be in a relationship as you don't fit the other aspects of a relationship and that she can just see him as a good friend..
She says she really loves me a lot and that's why has told me all these details and has apparently reduced contact with those guys..

[Synnen]

Okay, I've stayed out of a lot of this so far... but the chat speak has GOT to stop.

I know you're trying to get details down and type your thoughts quickly, but please use the ENTIRE word ("be" instead of "b") or use the correct word, not the phonetic ("for" not "4").

I will otherwise assume that you are not an adult.

Chat speak is discouraged throughout AMHD, but strictly forbidden on the Adult Sexuality boards.

And to your questions: I think you and your girlfriend have very different values, and that you will never be on the same page as to how those values sync up.

[Pboy87]

Ohhh.. I'm so sorry about that..

[smoothy]

Your Girlfiend was an active and willing partner in this all. You have to accept that. Everyone else can see it already. Including the guys she is taking care of.

And yes... ORAL IS about the most intimate form of sex there is. I would rate normal vaginal sex as #3 on the list... with anal ahead of it at #2... #4 would be masturbating someone else.

But then if its just an act... as an example... Would YOU give your homey one if he needed one when his girl was out of town, and let him bust off there? After all its just an act... with no real meaning. Begin to see my point yet?

I assume you are neither gay nor bi... so imagine the following situation.

If you HAD to do a guy like if they had a gun to your head and you had a choice of one of the following... what would YOU preffer to do least... oral? Bend over and let him park in the garage or use your hand... You as a man don't have an option #4.

Now tell me Oral isn't a more intimate form of sex.

[QLP]

You keep going over the same ground with a few little extra details that really don't change anything. What is it that you want us to tell you? That your girlfreind was an innocent victim here and is really snow white so that's OK then?

You know she has had problems with depression and self esteem. You know she has used sex with other men as a means of boosting her ego. You know that she doesn't see sex as a big deal anyway. You either except all this or you don't.

Added to which you have to ask yourself where she is at now. What happens next time she is feeling low if you aren't there to boost her ego? You know she has lied to you to an extent, can you rely on her honesty now?

You either accept all that she is and love her anyway or you let her go. Looking for excuses isn't accepting who she really is.

[Pboy87]

Hmmmm... I'm not sure about your point..
But I'm beginning to see.. as a favour to some guy for helping her out of emotional turmoil its just an act.. but in love it is something special.. this is what I'm beginning to feel..

[Pboy87]

She is different now.. much clear in thought.
It just was weird that she gave those guys oral sex as a favor for getting her out of depression. They made her feel wanted and loved again so she made them feel like the most important person by this.

[smoothy]

Comment on smoothy's post

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hmmmm... i m not sure about your point..
but im beginning to see .. as a favour to some guy for helping her out of emotional turmoil its just an act.. but in love it is something special.. this is what im begining to feel..


No actually that wasn't what I was trying to say. I was trying to explain how oral was far from a minor insignificant act... and how it really was a far more intimate act. Think about what I wrote again... she gave a lame excuse how oral is really nothing... you believed her, so again... assuming you are a straight man, with no gay or bisexual tendencies... would YOU think giving a guy oral was nothing... vs the other options. Also assuming YOU had to do it to another guy... one of the possible options. I don't know many who would say "....oh, this one is essentually nothing , I'd dio that one..." most would pick that one dead last... being the most significant act one could do.

Just trying to express the idea that most people don't consider oral to be nothing... Od course a certain ex-president tried that excuse too... but if it wasn't sex... and was really nothing, then your girlfriend or wife would have no problems with you running around getting hummers from any number of women. After all, if it really wasn't anything they wouldn't care, right?

In one way yeah, everything anyone does is an act... irregardless of intent. But there are some things you just don't do except for someone very special to you. Sex acts, particularly oral are one of those.

[Synnen]

Smoothy, I've got to disagree with you a bit here.

To women, Oral is probably 3rd or 4th on your list. Vaginal sex is the most intimate, followed by anal, followed by RECEIVING oral sex, followed by giving oral sex.

Oral sex gives you more power over a guy and leaves you a LOT less vulnerable to him than the other three. You can get PREGNANT from vaginal sex--that's waaaaaaaay more intimate than just getting some spunk down your throat.

And while it's not "nothing"---If I had to choose my guy getting hummers from other women or having vaginal or anal sex with them, or GIVING them oral sex---you betcherass that I'd rather have the hummers.

I really don't think guys understand how INVASIVE vaginal or anal sex is---and how much control you can lose to a guy intent on hurting you with those acts. At least with a BJ, you've got teeth...

[QLP]

Got to spread the rep but I would tend to agree with your analysis on this one Synnen. Assuming I understand hummers correctly - not heard that term before.

[smoothy]

Got to spread the rep but I would tend to agree with your analysis on this one Synnen. Assuming I understand hummers correctly - not heard that term before.

Hummer = BJ = Head = Oral

All the women I knew up to and including my wife thought otherwise... but ovbiously that was a small cross section of the female population... not that I didn't and still don't want to sample a far larger cross section. Hey , I'm a guy... I'd by lying if I said otherwise. But wanting and doing are two different things. I'm married... not dead.

[Pboy87]

I totally agree with Synnen. Spoke to a few girls.. while they consider blowjob an act given for making the male feel the most important to them.. it is also the only act in which they have complete control over the other and are not vulnerable or surrendering in any way..
My girlfriend came to meet me today, all the way from her city just for a few hours so that we could get over our fight.. and well.. we spoke about it.. and I'm very glad to know that whatever she did.. was completely intended.. She wasn't 'used' in anyway. She gave the guy a blow.. intentionally.. to make him feel good.. as he was the one that picked her up from the dump that her ex put her in..
On new years.. she was drunk and with her best friend.. she went down on him.. licked him a few times.. but pushed him away and went off and dozed off leaving him like that..
While she has had vaginal sex with people she was in relationships with.. including me.. she claims only I have eaten her out properly... she had never orgasmed in her life before me.. and would like to experiment anal and a threesome(two girls) with me in the future.. ( all this was told to me long ago)..
I am getting back with her.. to focus on the future than the past.. and both of us will try not to mention our past love and ex life to each other anymore (as we both know it now)and move ahead for a meaningful relationship.

[smoothy]

This will speak volumes on how she really views it...


Let her catch you getting blowjobs from other women...


If its insignificant... then she should not get upset about it.

[Pboy87]

Well.. actually.. she knows of my past as well.. and I have done more than getting blows..
My only worry was that I thought she was used.. that's why the question.. and that she is still friends with all.. and I prefer cutting contact.

[Pboy87]

And it isn't insignificant.. it is important.. to her... but it is something in which she knows she will pleasure a man.. and has control over the man.. though.. uhhhh.. I don't kind of like her blowjobs lol.. she uses teeth... n thinks its pleasurable.

[smoothy]

Ahhh, then teach her how you like it... some guys like a little teeth... Just like You I am am not one of them. I have no doubts is not instinctive. And something she has to learn, but she WILL have her own style.

Also just like learning what she likes... listen and communicate. You will never just GUESS what she likes best... all women are different. You can waste years figuring it out the hard way... or get her talking and help you a LOT faster.


But I still don't believe in giving her a pass for giving head to the entire football team... (figuratively, not that she has or even would). IF you really had a close relationship, then she wouldn't have done it... under any circumstances with anyone else. Its NOT the same as giving a high five.

And you know what... think about this... picture yourself married... two kids in the next room... she gets depressed about (fill in the blank)... do you want her doing this with the next willing make that crosses her path when you aren't there?

For me that would kill any chance I would have to actually trust her, and that's an important factor if you want to view someone as a prospective future spouse.


But realistically... you aren't engaged... she doesn't have a ring. She can with a clear concience bang anyone she wants, as can you if you wanted to.

Ultimately YOU are the one that has to live with this. None of us do. If it bothers you a little... then its sure to grow over time. Being you asked us here... I think it might bother you. It certainly would me if I was in your shoes.


That's just my opinion from my own perspective... it's certainly not the only valid viewpoint.

[Cat1864]

Smoothy, the oral sex with the other men happened BEFORE he met her. It was part of her PAST not their PRESENT.

They have been dating for five months. The last time she had an encounter before him was on New Year's Eve/Day months before getting with Pboy. Part of his issue is that she has remained friends with her EXes, not that she has been unfaithful to him in any way.

[QLP]

I am getting back with her.. to focus on the future than the past.. and both of us will try not to mention our past love and ex life to each other anymore (as we both know it now)and move ahead for a meaningful relationship.

Well you seem to have tried hard and maybe reached some degree of acceptance and want to leave the past behnind and move on. I hope you two can reach some agreement on how things will be from here on in and wish you both well.