[LilyAlexandra]

I'm a 21 year old female my boyfriend is 24. We have been dating for 2 years, living together the whole time. Our sex life has been relatively quiet since the beginning (neither of us have huge sex drives by nature, so it's been fine), but at this point, it's non-existent. It's been months. I get hit on regularly by attractive men, so I would say I am at least fairly attractive. I keep my body in good shape. I don't constantly want to have sex, but I am sexual. I'm adventurous, and loud, and fun in bed.

The sex life has been pretty low for a long time, but he used to have other aspects that made him an amazing boyfriend (and this was not one sided either)
He used to be the best boyfriend imaginable. He was thoughtful, caring, openminded, compromising, easy to communicate with, sweet, and he treated me like a princess. Now, he is so selfish, impossible to approach, uncompromising, constantly irritated by everyone and everything. He isn't horrible all the time, but his general demeanor is just different. He makes me feel unhappy about my life more than happy. He doesn't value my opinions, interests, or anything at all.

In the past year, he made drastic changes to get on the road to success. I know he has a lot of worries that he will fail and will not be good enough to accomplish his dreams. I know he is worried about money (and is insecure that I make more than him), and is worried about failing (he is going for a prestigious degree). He is sick of being a nice guy and having people walk all over him (I think he takes this out on me even though I do not walk all over him) He always says he is doing all that he is doing so that he could provide me with the life "I deserve", but frankly, I would rather have that wonderful, doting boyfriend that I could communicate with than this angry stressed out jerk that might make money someday.

Now- that's the backstory of why I am only posting this now even though the sex issue didn't just begin. It's gotten to the point where I got nothing!

So, on top of all that, he won't even have sex with me. Not even when I initiate it. When I try to "casually" strut around nude or in something sexy, he doesn't even notice me. When we are making out and I try to kiss lower, he stops me saying, "not now, babe." It's been months! I know his schedule, we live together, and I drive him everywhere (on his requests- not me being a gatekeeper), so I know he has no time or space for any other girl. I also have no worries that he is cheating regardless.

I'm starting to develop serious insecurities. Sometimes I feel really beautiful, or happy with my body, but when he doesn't even want to touch me or hardly looks at me, I really start feel bad. I even developed an eating disorder (which I am getting over). He's not easy to approach anymore now that he's so stressed, and I don't know how to bring any issues up. With him being a jerk, and making me feel bad about myself, I'm ready to throw in the towel, but I really don't want to. I love him and if there is a way, I'd like to figure out how to make it work.

I should note- he's not all bad, sometimes we still cuddle, he has made me dinner, has brought me home goods from the bakery, etc... but mainly he's a rude, stubborn, selfish jerk- not someone I would ever start dating if I wasn't already in love with another side of him.

He talks about marriage, he talks about dreaming about growing old together and having kids together, he always tells me how beautiful I am, but doesn't act on it EVER.

I'm starting to get so fed up with the fact that he doesn't want anything to do with me sexually. I have offered things like dirty talk, role playing, etc, but he doesn't want any of it. I gave a lot of back story, but I feel like it's important.

When I was able to communicate with him, we discussed the sex stuff and these were the various answers I got from him for why he doesn't want to have sex as much as most guys.
His reasons (from his words)
I've never had a high sex drive (except when I just hit puberty)
I used to do a lot of drugs in high school with screwed up my sex drive
I'm insecure about my body (he is skinny and used to have more muscle, but I still think he's sexy)
I'm insecure about my penis (we've both had genital warts from the beginning- I know, yucky, but still... mine aren't visible, but his are very visible, again, I still think he's sexy)
I've never learned how to have sex sober and I'm insecure without alcohol (he struggles with alcoholism and is not drinking often)
I don't like planned sex (I tried this when spontaneous sex just wasn't happening)
I don't like sex that is too crazy, I'd rather have normal loving sex (when I tried to introduce new ideas, role playing, etc)
I'm depressed
I'm stressed
You don't get wet (if there's not enough, or not good enough, foreplay, I don't get wet right away. This was especially true when I was depressed, but he has mentioned that it made him insecure. I offered to use lube, but that makes him feel incompetent, when really, It's just the pressure)
It's about that guy you slept with (when we were first starting to go on dates and sleeping together, I was still going on dates with other people. I made it clear that we were not official, but he cut ties with other girls immediately, so when he found out I slept with someone else during the first months, he still holds it against me that I "cheated".)

So, I fear that I had so much to say that this is going to be hard to read and respond to but... bottom line is, why won't my have sex with me? Can anyone draw conclusions from all these facts? It's been months, I'm relatively good looking and have a relatively good body. I want to have sex with him... I try to have sex with him. I want to get through this, but with his other redeeming qualities out the window on top of the fact that he won't even touch me, I'm about ready to put my hands up and throw in the towel.
Someone, please help me understand. I need advice. I want to understand him. I want a sex life. I want to stay with him. I want to stop feeling insecure. I'm on the brink of giving up and I really don't want it to get to that.

[kylazoko]

If you feel there's something worth saving then FOR THE LOVE OF GOD sit him down and have a serious talk with him about your feelings. The longer you leave it the worse it gets and the more he thinks there isn't a problem when there clearly is!
If he either doesn't want to listen to you or he makes no improvements, for GOD SAKE LEAVE HIM!!
Life it WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too short and your way to young. You've already wasted enough time!

[BrandonGT]

I completely agree with kylazoko. You could almost tell him what you posted. He needs to realise that your relationship is in jepordy, and have a chance to fix it. If he won't listen or doesn't change, then you can't keep waiting for him to "get back to normal". It's rough, but if he knows it's time to make a decision one way or another, hopefully he will see what's going on. It's also really important to realise that these are HIS issues, not yours.
I hope that helps, and I really wish you the best of luck!

[twinkiedooter]

Why do you drive him everywhere? Doesn't he have his own car? Doesn't he drive? I read your post and feel he is taking advantage of you big time from what you've posted. You need to get a real man and stop living with the manipulative little boy you have residing with you now. He is exerting all the control over you that he can in more ways than just having you chauffer him around everywhere. He is probably not going to change but get worse after your little talk with him. Withholding sex is another control red flag.