[allinvege]

Hi everyone - I have a problem. I already know what the answers will be. Kind of been reading for awhile. But I'm here to vent and maybe be surprised.

Soooo here goes. I met the greatest girl of my life about a year back. We had several common interests, and had a real friendship that we built our love on. There was one problem though. She is disabled and has pain problems among several other things, and because of this she couldn't handle that I had a young daughter. My daughter (crazy wild always wanting attention) was stress for her and caused her physical pain. This started causing a rift between us. At the time, I was going through a custody battle that looked very bleak for me to win. So I told her I was going to give up my daughter to my ex-wife, and meant it. Then things were absolutely perfect again for us.

Deep down I knew this was wrong (the ex wife really, truly is a monster and not qualified to be w/ the kid), but I am extremely shy and worried I'd never find love again. I was going to go through the battle, expect to lose, and if I won, then hand custody over (I have other issues, such as scheduling problems, the exwife hounding me all the time about custody, stress/depression of now work/kid being like 16 hours/day no rest). So, every so often to calm myself I'd say aloud I'm going to keep custody. Anyway, she felt she was going to lose me, and said our marriage was off because she didn't know what to really expect with me, and I did a poor job explaining it. Anyway, she broke up with me, and I actually won custody.

I was depressed, went no contact, got over it. Started enjoying my situation. But because she was a friend too before a lover, I ended up calling her. At the time I had no feelings and really wanted to see how she was. We agreed to be friends again. But over time I felt more and more feelings for her and am in love again. We talked about this, and basically, she said says she needs time for herself to heal/goto doctors appointments and get her life on track and stuff and she won't be in any relationship at all, but willing to 'technically' be with me and not see other people until she sorts all that out. Meanwhile when we see each other we sleep in the same bed still, hug, etc.

Anyway, I feel more and more desperate and doing things to hurt her out of desperation to get her back and we're not great lately. Fast forward to last week. I was driving her to her appointment since she doesn't have a license. The night before I was helping her with her computer, basically, normal maintenance since she's not good with them. While cleaning her cache out I found some disturbing files that led me to believe she was with someone else. And as ashamed as I am, I looked at her phone when I had the chance and found text messages basically stating things such as "you r so naughty" , "this position would be so amazing when i ride you", and finally "its safe to call before 4:00" (I get home around then), and something about her new phone number I knew nothing about. So I confronted her about it. She says nothing is happening, she sent them while she was mad at me during one of our fights (which I don't believe because they were from the day before) and it was making a reference to some yoga position which was mentioned in there as a joke. I didn't tell her what I read exactly on her phone. But I don't think she knows I saw the "its safe" comment. And these were very detailed graphic messages. Anyway, she says point blank to me she's willing to not see anyone as she needs to get her health issues back first and stuff and it will be me first since I was so significant to her and we'll (attempt) to fix things, but later in the same day my act of snooping is unforgivable. I'm also not supposed to contact her for two weeks since I REALLY hurt her, and plus she's not talking to *anyone* (friends, family) even on the phone or leaving her house because of her condition, me included, so she says.

So, basically, at this point, I just don't know if she's telling the truth anymore. Did she tell me what I wanted to hear so I'd take her to her doctor (1.5 hours away, a specialist), or just to avoid confrontation? Does she really want to work it out? Is she going to accept me and my daughter this time like she says? She basically kicked me out of her immediately after taking her home. At this point I WANT to move on and heal because I'm thinking its over, but if its not, I don't want to screw things up by calling. I have no idea since she's usually very honest. I want to call her and get the answers now, rather than having to wait two weeks. And I need to know, so I can plan things for myself. I'm an emotional wreck. HELP...

[talaniman]

Your priorities are all screwed up, because the facts say she has a lot going on behind your back that you know nothing about. That you would make this relationship a priority and put the welfare of your daughter second is indefensible. That she cannot help you raise your daughter was the first clue that she ain't the one.

Kick her to the curb immediately, and handle your real business and leave this dishonest forked tongue manipulator completely alone. Your daughter needs you to work on her behalf and fight for her well being, not be distracted by a needy flake who has her own hidden agenda.

Now do the right thing, and maybe in the future you will meet some one who deserves a good man, and a good father. But first you have to be one.

[QLP]

Just how limiting is her illness? I'm wondering if she has a long history of serious chronic illness? I ask this because I have known people in this situation who, deprived of normal relationships, have developed 'fantasy relationships' with people on the internet, Facebook, via text, gone on dating sites etc etc, knowing they are in no position to actually get together with someone but enjoy the fantasy as a substitute.

Either way, your daughter has to come first and this lady is in no position to be in your life with your daughter.

If you wish to maintain any kind of freindship she has to be prepared to be honest with you about what is going on. You have to be prepared to accept that a full relationship is not possible. Do you really want to put your life on hold while you wait to see if it becomes feasible if her health improves? The fact that you say you hurt her out of desperation suggests not.

It's not her fault she is ill, but it is her responsibility in terms of how she deals with it. If there is any expectation of any kind of relationship with you that means total honesty about both her behaviour and the nature and likely outcome of her health problems. You also have to be totally honest with yourself in accepting what the true situation is and what you are prepared to settle for. If you are no more than a comfort to her in her times of trouble how will that pan out if she is well? Talk thouroughly. Listen well. Think hard. Then make the right decision.

[allinvege]

Thanks guys -

Well, I ended up going to her house yesterday. She wouldn't talk with me, but I did talk with her neighbor who happened to see me who we were mutual friends with. I got the story from, she was cheating on me. This friend was totally supportive of me and thought my (ex) girlfriend was making a huge mistake by going with another guy.

Anyway, I got the answer I wanted - she was using me, and lying... That totally hurts. She has cheated in the past by her own admission. But at least now I know now that I need to be healing. I know that this is best.

Tal, QLP - I know my daughter needs to come first, and I never had any intention of giving her up, I really thought I was losing my custody battle (it looked really bleak), and very surprised when I won. I think I couldn't come to terms that I knew we were finished, even though we both loved each other very much.

QLP, not that it matters much now but - she has fibromyalgia, scoliosis, ankylosis spondylitis, and has mental stability issues because of her parents' suicides. She's also had drug issues in the past, not now though. So it's a long term issue. We both knew and discussed my daughter + us wasn't a possibility. I don't know why she came back saying she'd be accepting of my daughter, saying she wants to work things out, all while being with another guy and hiding it, and using me in the process!! It really devastated me to find this out. Oddly enough, I still care about her, but I can't forgive this and don't want her as a friend.

I guess my issue at this point is - I have so little time to go out and enjoy life again its hard to move on and feel happy about myself.

[QLP]

I'm sorry that she treated you this way. I can only guess that her various problems and issues are a factor in her behaviour, though not an excuse. My own daughter has fibromyalgia, and I have relatives and friends with equally devastating illnesses, if not more so, than those you have outlined and these people still behave admirably. I can understand why you still care, but this lady has to sort out her own stuff and it's not something you need in your life, as you have rightly deduced from the way she has treated you.

So, now the question is what are you going to do to make yourself happy?

Firstly, I don't think it is time to rush into another relationship anyway. Give yourself time to heal on this one. Go no contact with this woman. Spend some time enjoying your relationship with your daughter.

Then start looking at your life balance. Is it looking after your daughter that restricts you going out? Work on top? It can be a juggling act, but is there a way to make some time for yourself? What are your interests? The best thing is to try and find a little time to do something you enjoy without putting pressure on yourself to meet someone new. Give it time for things to fall into place.

Can you tell us a little more about the rest of your life so we can try and help? We are here for you if you just need to let off steam.

[answerme_tender]

I hope next time around before you get into any SERIOUS relationshp, make sure she is mentally stable. For your daughters sake.

Also you saying that you had no intention of ever giving up your daughter. That you were just saying that to basically pastify this ex-girlfriend because you never thought would get custody in first place. REALLY, come on you are just trying to cover up that yes, you really would have given up custody just to have this woman in your life. At least be honest with yourself. When did you think this woman was EVER going to come around and accept your daughter --Im thinking never---can we at least agree on this point!

She is not just physically ill but mentally unstable, and maybe due to those reasons, she wants all attention for herself. I feel sorry that it took for you to actually have confirmation that she was cheating to get rid of her. I would have thought her not accepting and loving your daughter would have been reason enough!! Good luck