[lcelani]

Ok hear it goes... I have been married and divorced and have one child! My marriage has been over for about 10 years now, I was involved in a long term relationship since then and that too ended almost a year ago we lived together but never married. Ok so here is the problem... through the magic of Facebook (haha) I recconnected with an old friend. I have known this man since childhood, in fact dated him in high school. One of those not really sure why it didn't work but always felt connected to that person kind of guys. Anyhow here is the problem, the old friend is married, when I first started talking with him again things were bad in his marriage, and I did the friend thing trying to help I'm through a tough time so on and so on. Eventually they separated and she moved out (with the kids). Ok so soon after we started talking more and of course one thing led to another and we started dating and sleeping together. We had a great time together and it really started to feel like things could work out for us. He said things like why couldn't we have done this 14 years ago, I am really falling for you, what do you see in the future for us? I could see myself coming home to you ever day! FYI we did keep the kids away from all of these and I have met his kids and he has mine but only very briefly and explained that we were just old friends from school. I think I knew the entire three months this was evolving that I was doing something terribly wrong but I felt so connected with him that I kept going. I tried to keep things moving slowly but took cues from him who seemed to be really wanting this as much as I did. Ok to make a long story short he of course told me the other day that he misses his family and needs to try and work things out with his wife. The one thing I was so afraid of happening came true and my world came to a stop. I knew it was coming and yet I still can not get over this. On top of it, I truly get it I had no business getting in the middle of this. He belongs to her, I was going against every moral code that I have ever stood for. He is probably doing the right thing for his family, I hate myself for being so weak and getting in the middle of all of this crap. I do not think she knows about me, nor would I ever cause any drama that would let her find out. My question is how do I stop missing him so dam much! I think he has some resposibilty in this, yet he gets to go back to happily ever after and I am stuck with all the guilt and loneliness. How could I have misread all of the signals, and most of all how can I stop wishing that his reconcilitiaon does not work and that he comes running back to me. I get that it is wrong, I get that I have to let go, I do not even want ot be the type of person that wishes a failed marriage on people I have been there it is awful I just can't stop. I keep hoping the phone will ring and he will say he is so sorry for putting me through this. How sick is that putting ME through this, the guy should be concerned with his wife and children not me. What do I do I feel so guilty and so alone! Please do not judge have been tearing myself up about this enough, I just need advise on how to heal and stop hopeing for others misery. Any advise would be great!

[Jake2008]

I'm not going to beat you up, you are doing a very good job of that yourself as you said.

You are human, and you made a mistake, that sounds like a mistake that under normal circumstances, and in retrospect, you would never have done, or even conceived doing. Accept that it has happened, and concentrate instead on how to resume your life, under your own steam, into the future.

While you are hoping that the phone will ring, how are you prepared to handle it, if it does in fact, ring, and he's on the other end, lamenting having made a mistake in going back to his wife. Would you take him back or toss him to the curb. I see only two choices here.

IF you take him back, you are taking back a man, who still carries a tremendous amount of baggage from a failed marriage. He is not a safe emotionally stable man, able to face the future, because he has one foot firmly in the recent past. If you choose this route, you will be helping him heal, when he really needs to heal on his own, before he starts an otherwise, not-quite committed relationship with you. You will be short changed.

IF you decide not to take him back, think about the reasons that might be the best option over the long term. If you can completely sever ties with him, recover from the breakup, and move on without him in your life, you free yourself. Not being tied to an invidividual emotionally, or any which way, gives you back your sense of self, your independence, and your dignity. You need time to heal from the breakup, at the very least.

At some point in the future when he truly is free, and enough time has passed that you know he is stable, no longer working on his marriage, has established child support/visitation, and has lived on his own,under his own steam, then and only then, would I advise you to walk softly but carry a big stick with this man.

So much has happened with the fragmented relationship with not only you, but with his wife. He really was never fully available, or fully committed, to you. Nor to her. He kept both of you dangling, until he finally made up his mind to go back to his wife.

I appreciate that you appreciate that he did that! He needs to completely deal with his marriage, or the end of his marriage, before he is available- to you, or anyone else.

Day by day this will get easier. My hope for you, is that you will give yourself the gifts of patience, and time, in order to work this all through.

Best of luck to you.

[lcelani]

Thanks Jake2008 for taking the time to write me back! I think you are so right, I need to step back and really look at things for what they are here! Thanks again!

[Naillady47]

This sounds so familiar I could have written it myself. But in my case, the high school boyfriend, did divorce his wife and married me. 4 years and 7 months later, we are giving up on this constant rocky relationship. In his eyes, THEY are still his family and he misses THEM. He blames me for everything. I can see no good coming from a situation like yours and mine. I just wish now that he had gone back to them before he married me. What we perseved as love for each other was no more than a dream that we wanted to fulfill when we young. We are not those people anymore.