[arett]

Just over a year ago my wife (soon to be ex-wife) came to me out of nowhere and told me she wanted out and wants a divorce. This was just after we had been on a weeks vacation and to our friends cabin 2 weeks after that. No one not even her closet friends or family had any idea as well as myself.

We have been together for 17 years and married for 9 with 2 wonderful kids (7 and 4) and have never had any issues at all. She was what I thought the strongest most caring person in the world so was devastated when she told me this. I recommend counseling a vacation just the 2 of us to try and work things out as I thought myself or at least the kids deserved a chance for us to work things out. However she wanted nothing to do with it. I asked her the reasoning for this, no real answer, I asked if she was cheating she said no.

She stayed in the house for 2 months and Moved out Dec. Within a week she was seeing someone as she moved out. This person she is seeing was married and told his wife the same time to move out of his house as he was moving someone in. This man also has done this to his wife 2 times before where he has moved her out and someone in then that person moves out and he begs for her to come back. He has also cheated on her many times 3 weeks after they were married and 3 weeks after they had there youngest.

Both my wife and him filed for divorce within a week of each other and he had her and my kids moved in with him within 5 months. I have never met this guy but from what I hear he is the most arrogant man in the town. Everyone I have talked to either does not know him or thinks he is the biggest ***. My wife's friends will not do anything with him or her together because of him and it seems like he is trying to keep her from them and introduce her to his friends which are very limited. He is not allowed to contact his wife but still manages to try to cause her life hell. Last week he called me and told me that if I ever try and contact my wife that he will press charges against me.

My wife thinks he is the absolute greatest and so doting to her something she never liked before. He has talked her into doing things she never would have done with me because she was dead set against it. She has also changed a lot from being around him. Her friends used to be dear to her but know it really does not seem to matter because its all him.

I'm just wondering if he may possibly be classified as a sociopath. And if so is there anything I could do to help my wife realize this. I love her to death and am afraid this man is going to destroy her and when it comes crashing down she may have lost everything and everyone even her family.

Thank you
Heartbroken and Scared

[Devorameira]

I don't think anyone here can tell you if he's a sociopath. Even with a mental health professional, it takes time to diagnose.

In my estimation they'd been seeing one another during the time you lived together. Sorry.

I see him as a controlling jerk, but your wife may not see that until the "honeymoon" period passes.

I know you're in pain, but the best thing you can do is go No Contact and move on.

[twinkiedooter]

Right now she's very excited that she is being doted upon and can't see the forest for the trees. Being with you so many years she has no idea of just what for nasty games men play on women. She will find out soon enough she had a good man (you) and now she has a rotten SOB who treats her like dirt. It may take years for her to see his true self. And you trying to help her see this guy for the conniving weasel he is won't help as she will be thinking you are just jealous of her and wants her back thing and not the real reason.

If you really love her let her go. She will find out on her own soon enough or she never will. Either way we both know that he is going to do her dirty like he did all the other women in his life. You can just sit back, let nature take it's course, and welcome her back with open arms when she does "wake up". That's all you can do. If you try to "warn" her you will just be driving her away from you as you have essentially judged her in her eyes.

Sounds like he is a control freak manipulating her like that. She may be so brainwashed by him she may never fully recover from him.

[Fr_Chuck]

Right now you need to deal with the fact she is gone, and already with someone else, And no, there is no way you can force her to see anything.

The issue now, is what are you going to do with and about the kids, have you filed for custody or at least joint custody

[Jake2008]

I don't normally paint a willing partner, who cheats, as a victim. But, if you are in the ballpark about this man's history of behaviour with women, he most likely worked his 'charm' on her, and manipulated her before, during, and after the time she made a decision to leave her marriage.

If you are correct in that he is a controlling man, he wouldn't stop being controlling after he finally won her over.

But what happened between the time she met him, and the time she actually split.

You say this was totally out of the blue, out of character for her, and you still have no answers as to why a man, even one such as you describe, could have her give up her life with you, for a life with him.

At some point, you have to stop blaming him. She could have stopped it all from happening, at any point along the way to the ultimate conclusion of deciding to be with him, instead of you.

He was most likely just in the right place at the right time, when she was not feeling secure about her marriage.

The big girl thing would have been to work on her marriage, and open up to you, so that the two of you could work together on the issues. And there must have been some. It's almost like she chose 'rescue me' mode, which on the other hand, as you've described her as being a very strong person, is out of character.

Whatever caused her to make the decisions she has made, are hers and hers alone. That he forbids you talking to her, also backs up what you say about him being controlling, and she may very well be in a place that, soon enough, she will not want to be in any longer. But again, the decision on whether to leave, or to stay, or to leave and come back to you, are decisions only she can make.

While she may have felt 'rescued' by this man, you seem to want to do the same for her. Maybe it is better she find her own way, under her own steam.

You can gather all the reasons, testimonials from people who know him, or know of him, and your own experiences and impressions of him, but it will still not change the fact that, despite what the world thinks of him, she thinks the opposite.

The most important thing you can do now, is establish regular visitation with your children. Be careful not to put them in a position of being spies on their mother. If you are hearing things from them, or seeing bad behaviour, acting out, etc. keep track of this in a notebook, with dates and times. Also keep track of when you talk to your 'ex' about the children, and note when scheduled visits are cancelled or altered.

If time passes and you begin to amass information that shows your children are suffering because of the choice your wife has made, then you may wish to consider legal remedies to address your concerns, including counselling for the children, and you and your wife.

He is not their father, you are. I hope that while you wait to see what happens in the future with your wife, that you don't wait to establish custody/visitation with your children. Time has not stopped for them. They need you more than ever.