[VRon1]

First, let me explain a few things before my question...

My mother and I, like most girls with their mother, did not get along between the ages of 11-17 but now that I have grown up, matured, and gotten over my drama (or at least know how to handle my drama with a clear head) I have adult questions and issues I would like to talk with her about. But, we have never had that type of relationship; I don't remember having a conversation with her that did not end with at least one of us getting upset.

I've just been dropping my issues at random times when I know she is in a state of mind to handle it, When I have done that I documented everything from how her posture changed, how long it took her to respond, the tone in her response, her active-ness, her eye contact, everything! And I still do not know how to approach this accurately, or at least with positive results. Positive results being her taking an active interest.

How do I get a conversation with my mother about the issues in my life?

[Wondergirl]

Were you also aware of your own posture, response times, tones, activeness, eye contact? You may be giving her unconscious prompts on how she should behave and react to you.

[VRon1]

Well I can tell you last night I was calm and relaxed as I confronted her last night. I even tried for eye contact.

[Wondergirl]

That sounds good on your part. Take it little bite by little bite. Start with some easy, non-confrontational, non-controversial subjects. See how that goes. That will give you practice in reacting to how she handles conversations with you.

[jakester]

VRon - here's my two cents and take it for what it is worth.

You mentioned a part of your past with your mother and the issues you once had. Perhaps a good thing to do is to sit down with your mom and explain to her that you have grown up and when you look back at how you once interacted with her, you regret that. And now that you are older and are seeking help with life's questions, you value her input and realize how important she is to you. You may even apologize for the way you treated her years ago... now, I am sure you may feel vulnerable in doing so because you may wonder if she will accept your apology or not. But she may be feeling the same way about things she may have said or done to you in her anger, too, and that occasion may be one of healing and bringing you both closer together. But you'll never really know unless you make that first move.

It doesn't always work so well in bringing people closer but you have everything to gain and nothing to lose in trying. You may even feel a certain level of growth for yourself in doing something difficult and very mature.

I hope things get better for your and your mom.

[talaniman]

Start at the beginning as friends, and get to know each other as adults. Be yourself, and just get comfortable with one another. Talk about all kinds of things, not just deep, overwhelming, emotional, stuff but ordinary things, and see what you have in common. Above all be a good listener and you may learn all kinds of things you didn't know. Never make it all about just you, and your problems, and don't push.

Learn when to back off, when to shut up, when to press, and when not to. Always show respect, no matter what. You can do whatever you want when you leave, you're grown, no need to argue about differences in styles, or opinions. Not with mom, no matter what position she takes. No matter what she says. She is grown too!!