[deb_751]

I have a friend who I have known for about 7 years. She lives with a guy who comes and goes, who is the father to her children. They argue a lot and she only seems to want to have contact with me when he is gone. When he is around, sometimes for months on end, I don't see her even though I try to maintain contact with calls and texts. Then as soon as he is gone again, she calls and wants to do normal 'friendship' activities - going out, cinema, meals etc. Then the cycle begins again when he returns, I don't hear nor see her. I really enjoy my friends company but feel that I am being picked up and put down at her convenience. Just wanted to ask, is this a friend or not ? I don't get it. Thanks.

[Eileen G]

You are being a better friend to her than she is to you.

You've got to tell her this. Point out that you can't handle a friendship that depends on whether she is with her boyfriend or not. Make her see what she is doing and how unfair it is.

To be honest, I find it a bit insulting: you are only good enough to be her friend when she doesn't have a boyfriend.

[dhuber]

I feel that too. Don't be a friend when she feels like it. If you are going to be friends you need to set some boundaries and you need to decide if you want a fair weather friend. It sounds like she really only appreciates friends on her terms. I don't think you should have time for such an on again off again friendship. Spend your time with people who appreciate friendship and give her a dose of the cold shoulder when she contacts you. Stop frequent contact and invest your time in a more quality of friendship

[Devorameira]

It's a possibility that her boyfriend is controlling and doesn't want her talking to anyone or running around and she tries to abide by his wishes in an effort to make things work, but that doesn't excuse her behavior.

You've been there for her and listened to her heartaches, so it's time for you to open up and tell her how her behavior makes you feel.

[VRon1]

She is a friend, a friend in need of some stability. Which seems to be you.
You need to sit her down though and talk to her about a few things.
She needs to know:
-what she is doing to you, being friends when its only convenient for her, is very offensive towards you.
-that you are worried for her when you do not hear from her in months
Make scheduled dinner/movie nights to get her started during those months when her baby' daddy is around because that is unfair to you.
But I would honestly tell her what's up and move on. That's no way to treat a friend. Your decision.

[deb_751]

Thanks for the replies. I text her at the beginning of the week and asked if she would like to go for a meal and few drinks on Friday. No reply, it's Friday. I suspect boyfriend is back on the scene and then in a couple of weeks, he will be gone, she will be bored and I will get a text/call. I am truly fed up of it, I have told her it's not nice to be contacted only when he not around but it's not made any difference.