[bobby23]

I met my girlfriend four months ago on a mission trip to Ukraine. It was a very emotional experience visiting orphanages with children with special needs. Apart from that experience I met her and we had a connection right away and built up our relationship up. One thing led to another and I eventually asked her out when we were in Ukraine.

Our affection and love for each other grew and it seemed right and meant to be. I am a freshman in college(18 years old) and she is a sophomore (20yrs) The trip ended and we both knew from the beginning that we would be in a long distance relationship for some time. I live in MN and she lives in NYC, the distance has been really hard on us and has made many things difficult.

After Ukraine we have seen each other in person a total of 3 times. I visited her right after the trip and this is where we had sex for the time and said I love you. The second time she came to visit me in MN we had a great time and our love grew more and more. She left and it would roughly be 6/8 weeks before I saw her again, I took a trip for her birthday and spent time with her for four days.

During that time in between we had some fights and disagreements, we would make up for them but at a distance they really hurt and took a tole. When I visited her on her birthday we had a very good weekend, we were very close and had no issues at all. The weekend went by fast and the next time I was supposed to see her was thanksgiving which was 7 weeks away. After two weeks her phone broke and she had to spend a lot of money for a new one, she doesn't have a steady income and could not afford the trip to see me during thanksgiving. This really hurt us and sucked, but I was making plans to see her for 3 weeks during winter break.

Recently and since I saw her for her birthday we have had some fights, and it feels like the fights come from just having the distance and being sad and frustrated with having to deal with it, and the added stress of dealing with it may be causing the fights. I recently bought my plane tickets to see her for three weeks, we were both really excited and couldn't wait to get through the 10 week wait.

Two days ago we got into this conversation and she told me she is hurting a lot and that she doesn't know if she can do this distance anymore and felt like I was constricting her at times. Last night she told me she wants to go on a break and maybe get back together based on what happens with this time in between me seeing her, and get back together when I go out east for winter break if everything works out well. She said she wants to talk a break because she wants to experience college and not look back and feel she was being held back.

She does she still loves me, and she still wants to have a future together when I make plans to come out to the east coast, which I was trying to do for next fall. She just doesn't want to be bound by a relationship right now but, she says that she wants a future and I am very confused and don't know what to think. I truly love her, and want to be with her right now.

This break is really hard on me, and I am staying strong through the distance and she just gives up. She says that doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone or do anything, and that with the time apart we should keep in mind and do to others what you want them to do to you in the sense of going off and finding someone else to be with. So hopefully this means she isn't break this up to look for someone else and she doesn't want me to find someone else. Another important point is that she still wants to talk and keep each other updated with our lives. I am really hurting and have been doing some research and from what I read I should give her distance and not try and talk a lot. IDK what to do or think in this situation, any help or experience is really appreciated. I want to be with her, I want to get her back and I want to be with her in the future. If you need more information ask any questions please. I need help, my hearts hurting a lot.

[talaniman]

Long distance is not for every one and its hard to grow and build anything with time and distance working against you. That's where your at, and should respect her for not wanting to invest any more into this any more.

That's what usually happens with LDR's when there is no clear stated goal to rally around. Waiting until the next visit wasn't enough.

It happens, and you have to adjust to these developments, and honor her wishes.

[bobby23]

I appreciate the responses, right now I am completely ignoring her and seeing if she really loves and wants me. She said she wants to kiss me on new years and have fun when I come out but I am not trying to be friends with benefits. I really want to

[Homegirl 50]

You are doing the right thing by leaving her alone. It may be a good idea to have as little contact as possible. In fact no contact would be best.
It seems to me the excitement of the mission trip and then seeing each other a few times afterwards has worn off.
She want to be single again. Let her be. You be single too. Go out and have fun.
This pain will fade.

[bobby23]

So here is an update I am sooo confused

This morning she texted me saying if you don't want to speak to each other at all during this please tell me so I don't have the wrong idea

I told her I thought she wanted space and that from what I understood she wanted the break to find herself and see if she wanted a relationship
She told me that she never asked for that, and she wanted to still speak. I am confused and ask her then why are we taking this break.

She replies, "cause the distacne was killing me and i dont want to keep fighting cause we are apart." I reassured her saying I don't want that to feel like that either and I asked her what she wants to happen or what she feels.

She tells me, "I want us to still speak and be happy but without the serious relationship and drama of it all cause it was weighing me down and making me unhappy."

I tell her that I feel she doesn't want a serious relationship and that if we weren't by the time I was visiting her then I don't know if I could be intimate because it would feel like friends with benefits.

She replied sounding frustrated "well then i guess we hafta rethink this again cuase last time we talked i thought everything was ok... if you dont think you can see me then maybe you need to cancel your flight."

I told her I want to come but she asked for space and asked to not have a bf/gf title so I am just trying to make her happy and fulfill her wish. And I tell her you want to talk and want to love me but you don't want a serious relationship, it just confuses me, wouldn't u just feel like friends then and nothing more?

She replied " no because i still love you and want you in my life but i need to focus on myself and school right now.. sorry thats so much to ask. if you can't come on december i understand but id be upset."

I said its not too much to ask I want you to do what makes you happy. I want you to come and I want to be with you , but you want space and don't want a bf/gf situation, I don't know what to think

She basically ends it by saying "k well ill let you figure it out talk to me when you are ready."

Obviously I want to be with her right now and try and work on the fights that bring us down. It seems like she gives up on that but still loves me and still want to act like gf/bf when I come out. It really confuses me. I feel like she is blaming me and saying that I am making this harder then it should be, when I am giving her what she asked. Is not talking to her/replying to her texts the wrong thing in this situation? What do I do to get her back, what do at all?

[talaniman]

You are hearing, but not listening, and not paying attention. Her priorities have changed, and she still wants you in her life when she has time. She is not available, nor responsible for what you want, but you can visit, and entertain her when she has time.

She replies, "cause the distance was killing me and i don't want to keep fighting cause we are apart." I reassured her saying I don't want that to feel like that either and I asked her what she wants to happen or what she feels.

It's a big red flag when distance causes so much conflict. But this next statement is a bigger flag.

She tells me, "I want us to still speak and be happy but without the serious relationship and drama of it all cause it was weighing me down and making me unhappy."

You guys are not building on anything solid, and I would hazard a guess that this is more something to do and enjoy rather that anything solid with a future. She is dealing with the now, and has a plan for her future, and trust me down the road, you are not in it. While I don't think that's a bad thing, I can see where it's a conflict between what you want, and what she wants.

I tell her that I feel she doesn't want a serious relationship and that if we weren't by the time I was visiting her then I don't know if I could be intimate because it would feel like friends with benefits.

I really don't blame her because I doubt the awesome feelings that got you together are still there and we come down to what's left. All she wants from you is a balance with the other things she has going on. Her solution to the distance is talking until we can see each other.

she replied sounding frustrated "well then i guess we hafta rethink this again cause last time we talked i thought everything was ok... if you don't think you can see me then maybe you need to cancel your flight."

She is setting boundaries for you that makes her happy, that stops the arguments over the distance, protects her, and most important, when she has time she can spend it with you by talking. But its no obligations to be loyal, or exclusive, so her options are open, and she has solved the break up thing already, because you are not a couple, you are but an option when, and if she should choose to take it.

Its really simple, you abide by her terms, then you not only get her back(?), but not officially, as an option.

she replied " no because i still love you and want you in my life but i need to focus on myself and school right now.. sorry thats so much to ask. if you can't come on December i understand but id be upset."

This little passive aggressive gem of a statement puts the ball in your court, and makes whatever happens up to you. She laid out the program, and its up to you to follow, if you can't she does have other things to do and while she may be upset if you don't go along with her program, she will get over it. YOUR LOSS, YOUR FAULT!!

she basically ends it by saying "k well ill let you figure it out talk to me when you are ready."

She is not changing her terms, so accept them, or not. She has other things to do.

Just a question though, as it seems this relationship has run its course, and what is it you are holding on too, and what is it your trying to accomplish? What purpose is served by being in a relationship with her?

[answerme_tender]

I agree with Tal and Homegirl. If you have a chance take the time and look through the post on here that are dealing with LDR. You will notice they are all the same common problem--DISTANCE. You will also notice they seem to do a lot of fighting in these relationship. I also wondered if this one of those "Even bad attention is better then no attention" situations. Another thing that seems to be pretty common with LDR is that they don't work out. The ones that do work out involve two,not one, individuals who are fully committed to each other, with love,understanding,trust,maturity,and most important compromise without those traits it just doesn't seem to work out.

She obviously doesn't want a full committed boyfriend/girlfriend LDR at this point in her life. She is seems to only want friends with benefits.

[bobby23]

I love her a lot and want to be with her, but in the end I can't force anything on her: I want to get her back, and will try but I am already moving on because she seems pretty set/confused with what she wants.

[talaniman]

You cannot expect to move forward when you are still trying to get her back, that only keeps you stuck. Its one way or another, but you can't do both.

[I wish]

She already knows what you want. She knows you want a serious relationship, but she already told you that that's not what she wants.

Tal provided amazing advice.

Instead of having a serious relationship, she explained the type of friendship/relationship that she wants to have with you.

You can't force what you want onto her, just like she can't force what she wants onto you. That's why, when she tells you to figure out what you, what she really means is: "Are you ok with her arrangement?"

If you're not, then leave her alone and go your separate ways. If you are, then go with it and stop forcing what you want onto her.

[novalnajib]

I know this post is more than 1 year old, but may I know how's it going? Weird enough, I have the almost same situation, down to the length of time between visiting my girlfriend... and my girlfriend has been thinking the same way as yours last year... I really want to know how it's been for u...