[zwebb30]

My wife quit her job 2 years ago and said she wanted to be a housewife and stay home with the kids. I had no problem with this. But her version is not a reality. She refuses to do anything around the house. I will bust my *** 8 hours a day and unless I do the work the house stays trashed. I am talking fungus and stuff growing off food left all over the floor and dirty diapers piled ankle deep in corners. She sleeps until 12 lets my daughter sleep that long and I think worst of all refuses to FEED our children. I came home from work today and my daughter had not eaten a thing yet. She was starving and I had to fix her something. I have tried everything from asking to begging to fighting to telling her do something or get the hell out. Nothing works! She will not do ANYTHING and does not believe me when I say that children NEED to eat a balanced healthy diet to grow. Someone please help me I am at my end

[Wondergirl]

There has to be a backstory. Who used to take care of the household chores and who used to feed the kids? How many are there and what ages? Has something (emotionally, physically, spiritually?) happened during the past two years in your wife's life?

[Enigma1999]

My wife quit her job 2 years ago and said she wanted to be a housewife and stay home with the kids. I had no problem with this. But her version is not a reality. She refuses to do anything around the house. I will bust my *** 8 hours a day and unless I do the work the house stays trashed. I am talking fungus and stuff growing off of food left all over the floor and dirty diapers piled ankle deep in corners. She sleeps until 12 lets my daughter sleep that long and I think worst of all refuses to FEED our children. I came home from work today and my daughter had not eaten a thing yet. She was starving and I had to fix her something. I have tried everything from asking to begging to fighting to telling her do something or get the hell out. Nothing works! She will not do ANYTHING and does not believe me when I say that children NEED to eat a balanced healthy diet to grow. Someone please help me I am at my end

Ok, so I will respond to this in a nice way, then a harsh way.

NICE WAY- When she was working before, was she this messy?

Has something happened in her life where it has changed her mood?

Does she suffer from depression?

HARSH WAY- Shame on her! Her children should be top priority. They need balanced meals, structure, dicipline as well as a Mother who takes an interest in them.

I was a stay at home wife for the first couple of years and let me tell you, my husband came home to a clean home, the kids were taken care of, dinner on the table, (and a good dinner), I even got all dressed up for him.

I'm not trying to be rude and saying look at me, I'm so good, but I think that the parent (Mom or Dad) that stays home should handle all of the household duties, and especially taking care of the children.

That's their job.

I think that you need to either find a common ground, or little wifey poo has to go back to work and bust her a$$!

Sorry to be so harsh.

I'm just an advocate for children. If baby had a choice for the diaper to be changed, then I am certain they would.

[answerme_tender]

You wouldn't let a babysitter treat your children so poorly, so don't let her. I don't give a rats if she is the so called mother or not. Someone needs to step up and remove these children from this environment. If she won't leave, then pack up those children up and move out.
Before packing, I would first contact an attorney and find out your legal rights.
I cannot get over this woman not even finding it within herself to get out of bed long enough to feed her own children. Obviously she needs prfessional help. I have no idea how you would go about getting her that help if she doesn't want it herself. You might want to check with a professional on that.
I wish you the luck, and hope everything works out for you and your family.

[Alty]

I have to say that this sounds like depression to me. I can relate.

I stopped working when I had my kids, and I was a terrific housewife and mother. Than my parents died, a lot of other stuff happened, my health became bad, and I dove into a deep depression. The house got very messy and even though the kids were cared for, they weren't cared for in the way I used to care for them.

I fell into a rut, and every day I swore I'd get out of it. I'd wake up wanting to clean, to get my house back and my life back, but it was overwhelming. I didn't now where to start, so I'd put it off for another day, which added to my depression.

You need to talk to your wife, maybe help get things back in order, get her to see a doctor, find out what's going on.

Depression is very powerful, it controls your entire life. She needs help dealing with this, if this is in fact what's going on.

Good luck.

[DoulaLC]

From what you describe, it appears to be a 180, so I have to agree with the questions that have been put forth. What has changed? What were things like while she was working? How were the household chores and caretaking of the children handled before?

[zwebb30]

Thanks guys for your answers. We used to both clean when she worked. I think a few of you might have hit on something there with the depression. Her general attitude doesn't say depressed but that doesn't always mean anything. The one big thing I can think of is before she lost her job I had lost mine and I was the one staying home with the kids. (Mind you the house didn't have new species growing in it and the kids were fed). But without my income we were not able to sustain the house and lost it. Took me forever to get a new job and after I did is when she lost hers. This maybe what started all of it. Our life is not in the best of shape right now, trying to rebuild. Sorry for the way I was ranting in my post but I had just gotten through the ordeal of the day. There are things I can stand and things I won't am my daughter telling me she hungry and hasn't eaten anything by 4pm is one of the things I can't. Thanks again. It is actually nice just getting to talk to someone about this, even if it is online.

[Wondergirl]

It is actually nice just getting to talk to someone about this, even if it is online.

Look, we do really care and want your life to improve.

Where can you go from here to get this fixed?

[zwebb30]

I have no idea. I really don't. Aside from seeking some kind of professional help I don't know what else to do. Every time I try to talk to her about this even in a calm way and just try and get this straightened she gets pissed. It may be depression though. I had never thought of it because she seriously never acts like she is depressed. Just really, really, really lazy. It is my children I am worried about. I can't be home all day to make sure things get done. My oldest is in school so at least he gets fed there and is OK. But my daughter who is my life is only 3 and stays home with her all day long. You should have seen what happened with our dog. We had a beautiful girl lab and she didn't even bother to take her out of feed her! I had to get rid of her last week. My wife called me in the morning to let me know that Sasha(the dog) had gone to the bathroom all over her little room. When I got home from work my wife was at her dad's. I walked in the front door and the smell of ammonia and feces just blasted me in the face. She LEFT THE POOR GIRL IN IT ALL DAY! I had the animal shelter pick her up the next day because it's not fair to the dog. Like my daughter I could not be here to take her out all the time. But think of all the diseases spread through a house like that!

[Wondergirl]

Something is very wrong. Does your wife make any comments as to what is going on or why she left the dog in her own mess all day or doesn't feed the little girl?

Can you sit down and talk calmly with your wife?

[Alty]

Do you two go out? Do you ever get any alone time where you're not discussing the house, the kids, the money issues?

Just having some time together can go a long way in getting her out of this funk, but I do agree that it's time for professional help.

The first step is for her to see her doctor. If it is depression the doctor can prescribe medication and recommend a good therapist.

If this is indeed depression (and that's really what it sounds like to me) than this won't be an over night fix, but can take many months before you see any improvement. You'll have to be in it for the long haul, and so will she.

In the meantime, we're here to listen, so vent away, get it out here so you don't bring it home.

[zwebb30]

Haha wonderg you make me laugh! No there is no calmly here. One of us will lose it. I really don't know. I know she cares about our family. I know she loves me and the kids and she loved the dog. She knows I love her but there is this decided disconnect between that and actually taking care of things. Like after today we got into it pretty bad and like normal she will actually do things around for a while. For the next 2 or 3 days the house will get cleaned room by room and the kids will at least get a lunch and a dinner. But it won't last long. By the end of the week I will come home to a waste collection plant. Someone else had asked if we get to spend any time together and that would be a big no. I have another son with an ex so including him we have 3 kids. I lost my mom this year and her parents will only watch the children once in a blue moon. I mean might. We did get to go out to dinner for our anniversary this year but that was the last time in a long time. Other than that it's work, kids, work, kids, did I mention work?

[Wondergirl]

Is there a third party the two of you can go to to hash this out and get some direction? There are sliding scale counselors plus priests/ministers who do couples counseling. Can you tell me generally where you live?

[zwebb30]

We live in Memphis. I don't know why I have not thought of some kind of counseling like your speaking of before. Guess just because I never figured anything was necessarily wrong emotionally. I also don't know who I could contact for help. Hell who CAN you go to and say "Hi my wife is basically border lining on child abuse and neglect can you help us?" I worry about that too. I keep telling her that the house is bad enough the state could take our children from us because we are not good parents. But the cleaning I have just accepted that I am going to have to come home and do that too. And I don't mind either. I have told her before "tell me what you need me to do to keep this house up." But to no avail

Comment on Wondergirl's post

I have to go now got to get up early for work. I really have to say thanks. I stumbled on this site blindly and just getting to talk to you guys has really helped get some of this off my back. Thank you again and have a good night.

[J_9]

University of Memphis has a wonderful psychology lab run by students who are proctored by doctors. It is on a sliding scale fee.

One thing you can do, and this is only a last resort, is start taking pictures of the "mess." When she asks why you are doing this you need to tell her that you are getting hard evidence of the neglect in the house and that she is boardering on abuse and neglect. If she wants to keep her children she NEEDS to clean up her act.

[Wondergirl]

Hell who CAN you go to and say "Hi my wife is basically border lining on child abuse and neglect can you help us?"

You would be shocked at the types of "presenting problems" people come to counselors with -- rape, incest, all kinds of abuse against humans and animals, all kinds of sexual problems, hoarding, work problems, in-law problems. Counselors have heard it all -- and know how to help. Each problem has its unique dynamics and solution(s).

[J_9]

Hell who CAN you go to and say "Hi my wife is basically border lining on child abuse and neglect can you help us?"

The best person would be a counselor. If reported to anyone else, you risk losing your children as well.

Are there any of her family members that you can talk to that will intercede on your behalf to help her get straightened out?

[Jake2008]

I think that Alty, with her usual honesty, is pointing you in the right direction. I would be surprised if your wife were not clinically depressed,

This may also have something to do with post partum. It may also have something to do with a drastic change in going from working outside the home, to working in the home. What may have perceived as a good idea, may not have been what she thought it would be. Maybe the depression started long before where you are now; perhaps when you lost your job, and all the resulting stress and worry. People shut down for many reasons, and it is important not to place blame and accusations upon a person who is obviously unwell.

You have more than one child as you said, and one of them is still in diapers. I don't know how long this neglect has been going on, but please do not let it go any further without addressing it. If either of you have family, seek their help in the interim. Ask your mother or sister or hers, to come over and help take care of the children, and help you get the house under control. Assume the responsibility, for now, of making sure that there are groceries in the house, laundry is done, and the children are cared for. Bringing the management and care of the children, and the house under control will take the pressure off your wife. If she were able to manage, she would be, so until a Doctor tells me otherwise, I would step up. 'In sickness and in health', also applies to mental health problems, which clearly this is.

Contact her Doctor, and if she will not go with you, go and ask questions and explain your concerns to him yourself. He may be able to provide you with referrals for counselling, or for help for yourself in coping with a person with depression. Try your best to get her to the Doctor first of course, at least for a physical examination, blood workup, and assessment. My opinion is she needs medical attention.

While this is frustrating to you, and understandably so, you have not yet begun to address the problems, and instead you are faced with the daily situation in your home, that is not pleasant for anybody. But, while this may be an extra burden for you at the moment, many single parents work, and cope with raising children and running a home without any help at all. It really is an obligation in my opinion, that you try your best to address the problems you are faced with, for the sake of all of you.

For understanding more about depression, there are a lot of very good links online to research. Here is one that might be helpful.

http://helpguide.org/mental/depression_signs_types_diagnosis_treatment.htm

[Beverlyannecam]

Quite honestly, it sounds to me like she's severely depressed and needs intervention. Depressed people have no motivation and no amount of reasoning will give it to them. They don't care simply because they can't. Talk to your doctor and see if he can recommend a good therapist. Beware the drugs though, my son was depressed for a while and the drugs gave him just enough energy to want to harm himself. Hope this helps.

[talaniman]

Pretty obvious your wife needs some type of help, and sooner, rather than later, because your home may not be a good environment for raising kids at this time, so get her health (both physical, and mental ) checked first, and then you may have to move to more drastic means of getting through to her.

There is no telling what has made her the way she is, but you better find out, and address it.