[Maanih]

I got married three months back under pressure from my family the pressure was emotional and social.. whilst being in love with another girl with whom I was compatible in every possible way there is to be.. and proposed to her three times before but her father refused for personal reasons... I decided that there was no reason to hurt my parents so agreed to their will and married the girl they chose for me... but the day I got married I just couldn't find an agreement to myself I am not attracted to her have tried a lot of times but it never works... I still can't even imagine her as my wife... she is actually everything I never wanted... everyone in family loves her but no matter how hard I try I can't hate her enough... though I am always nice to her respect her every demand... but this just does not feel right . What should I do I am scared to God and breaking my parents heart but I can't live like this... she disgusts me with her actions in bed and I don't know why I get negative vibes from her... she does not enjoy anything I do... not passionate about any goals... no interest in music or movies in fact I couldn't find anything in her that is what I wanted... none of our habits match from food to clothes... we can't connect to each other in anyway... I try to get through her and it first seems I did but seconds later I find the whole conversation just got erased form her mind. From the little things to the biggest there is no compatibility. She always finds my friends and family and blame me for not being what she wanted and push them to change me... but you know a person can change maybe 20% for someone but a 100% is impossible and plus I love myself all I do makes me go get what I want and achieve things... I don't know what to do some help would be really appreciated as I want my kind of love in my life or be happy waiting for it... and also not to destroy her life by keeping her hanging in a life which can never be ours it ll be just fake... she does not want to leave me since she has no confidence in her but what she doesn't understand is we are going destroy a whole lot more if we stayed together by never being happy.. I want to save both of us from the mistake my parents made and a mistake she made because she was desperate to get married for her own reasons

[talaniman]

QUOTE by Maanih;
I got married three months back under pressure from my family the pressure was emotional and social.. whilst being in love with another girl with whom I was compatible in every possible way there is to be.. and proposed to her three times before but her father refused for personal reasons...

I can understand the cultural and social pressures of where you live, But it was your choice to give in to it. You could have refused until you were over the disappointments of your past, and been clear to all, your reasons for waiting until your heart had healed. You also could have asked your family for support with the family of the girl you wanted to marry, so I can only assume they were against your choice. Were they?

I decided that there was no reason to hurt my parents so agreed to their will and married the girl they chose for me... but the day I got married I just couldn't find an agreement to myself I am not attracted to her have tried a lot of times but it never works..

You make it sound like you agreed to be married but took no time to get to know this female that the chose for you. How does that happen? Was there no opportunity to meet one another? Is that not allowed as part of the courtship? Or were you just resigned to what they had planned?

The lack of input from you, and the lack of informing yourself as to her character before hand, leads me to believe that either you didn't know of your options after agreeing to marry this female, or you didn't make the effort to try and get facts first, if nothing else at least consulted your own father or another trusted older male, or even a wise clergy of your faith, to gain insights and advice to your situation.

So is it fair to say through your inaction, you went into this as blind as a cave bat??

I still can't even imagine her as my wife... she is actually everything I never wanted... everyone in family loves her but no matter how hard I try I can't hate her enough... though I am always nice to her respect her every demand... but this just does not feel right . What should I do I am scared to God and breaking my parents heart but I can't live like this... she disgusts me with her actions in bed and I don't know why I get negative vibes from her... she does not enjoy anything I do... not passionate about any goals... no interest in music or movies in fact I couldn't find anything in her that is what I wanted... none of our habits match from food to clothes... we can't connect to each other in anyway... I try to get through her and it first seems I did but seconds later I find the whole conversation just got erased form her mind. From the little things to the biggest there is no compatibility

.
Was this marriage consummated properly? Bet that part went well if it was. But then you actually had to live with her, and your mind was always set against this to begin with. So you end up bring poison to the marriage from the beginning, and though you have tried(?), to make things right, your heart wasn't in it to begin with. For whatever reason, that makes for a half effort, and defeated attitude.

she always finds my friends and family and blame me for not being what she wanted and push them to change me... but you know a person can change maybe 20% for someone but a 100% is impossible and plus I love myself all I do makes me go get what I want and achieve things... I don't know what to do some help would be really appreciated as I want my kind of love in my life or be happy waiting for it...

That sounds good, but means absolutely NOTHING in light of the fact you gave into the will and wishes of your parents, and now find it to be not of your liking. You are still dealing with past regrets, and bad decisions that have gotten you where you are. So of course all you see is a gloom and doom future, and little hope of seeing the light. Curious why you have not pushed back against every one trying to change you by trying to compromise, that brings change to you both. Or at least let her know what you want changed in her.

Had you been so stubborn before as you are now, would you be where you are now? I doubt it. But you went into this whole thing with such self pity for yourself that you could see no other way but to make everyone happy but yourself and that's what life is really about. Its to late to all of a sudden look back and say this will never work, because when you give into what other want for you, you lose the right to complain how bad things are. This is of your making, and now have to own it to change it.

and also not to destroy her life by keeping her hanging in a life which can never be ours it ll be just fake... she does not want to leave me since she has no confidence in her but what she doesn't understand is we are going destroy a whole lot more if we stayed together by never being happy..

It is you who will never be happy, because you don't want to be. Love and marriage is always a good feeling at first, but then the reality sets in and it's a lot of work, through communications and compromise, and it understandable that its difficult for you now, because there was no love to make a connection, or motivate wanting to build anything from the get go. Unless you are willing to work now, to build a life, you will never be able to.

I want to save both of us from the mistake my parents made and a mistake she made because she was desperate to get married for her own reasons

That's so noble of you but its what you want, and not what she wants. Add to the fact she may have been desperate according to you, is the very fact you got married because of "social, and emotional" pressure and regret and resent being lead down this path of marriage even though you were lead willingly with protest.

That makes you both equal partners in the traditions of your culture, and the thing to do through guidance by an older male or a clergy, to learn to work within the rules, to establish a working relationship to build consensus of the kind of life you both want and expect, and define rules of behavior that work for you both, and DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN UNTIL YOU HAVE EXPLORED THAT PATH!!

Its only been 3 months my friend, not long enough, to accomplish a darn thing, and most relationship are ruled by lust in the beginning anyway. You don't have that clouding your judgment, or influencing your action, just past resentments, and disappointments that you have to reconcile within yourself, for yourself, by yourself, before you can really see the options, and opportunities that you have before you, and not just the gloom, and doom from past disappointments. Your eyes and mind are closed to possibility, and they need to be opened. Defeat after an HONEST effort is no shame, not being honest is a big shame.

Seek wise counsel for yourself, and overcome your fear of not being happy. That's what you should have done in the beginning before you caved to the pressure you were under.

[jheep]

Coward. You kind of remind me of my ex. Sorry, I digress...

I want to save both of us from the mistake my parents made and a mistake she made because she was desperate to get married for her own reasons It's not your parents' mistake nor your wife's mistake. It's YOUR mistake. You made your choice. Now be responsible for your own decision. Something tells me that you don't have the balls to get a divorce, because as you said, you're afraid of God and you don't want to break your parents' hearts. There's really nothing you could do but move on. Move forward. Learn your lesson and be happy with whatever you have now.

Try to love your wife no matter how repulsive you may feel at this point in time. Feelings change. Maybe one day you will feel a lot better about her. That's what commitment in a marriage is all about, which you clearly signed up for. If that doesn't work, then create a lifestyle that will make you happy even if it means spending as little time as you can with your wife. That way, you will still feel at peace before God's and your parents' eyes, which seem to me is very important to you and which you are willing to bargain even at the expense of your own personal happiness and fulfillment. It's obviously the path you've chosen.

[Cat1864]

Maanih, you seem to be putting a lot energy, emotionally, mentally and even physically, into making your marriage NOT work.

Your life didn't work out the way you wanted. You wanted what is now a fantasy. What you have to work with is reality.

Reality is that you married her knowing that divorce is not a very acceptable option for ending a marriage in your culture. You know full well that for her divorce puts a stigma on her and can turn nearly everyone against her and yet you seem to think she should not only want one but ask for it. Because you gave in to pressure after not getting what you wanted, you seem to think she should do everything to make you happy. She can't because you don't want to be. She could be perfect, but she isn't the ex you can't have.

Stop thinking like a child who can't have the toy he wanted. Start thinking like a man who actually wants to try to make his marriage work. Do you think every arranged marriage is perfect? Obviously not if your allusion to your parents' marriage is any indication. Do you think it could get better if you and she worked together instead trying to tear each other apart? It sounds like she doesn't like being married to you any more than you like being married to her. Though, I have a feeling that her attitude came after you started showing yours.

Yes, she is different than you are. I don't think that is as much the problem as the fact that she isn't the 'love of your life'. Why don't you suggest that you both take a step back from trying to be fully man and wife and start dating each other. Get to know each other as you build your marriage just like countless other couples have before you. Talk to her about making things better. Not making demands about what you want her to change. Go out together. Spend time just talking and learning who each other is a person. Keep an open mind. Try to be open to trying what each other likes. If you go into it with the thought 'I might like this', you might surprise yourself and find common ground after-all.

If possible, look into marriage counseling or at least a third party who both of you can respect who can guide you through getting to know each other and building a foundation for a successful marriage.

I sincerely wish for you to find contentment in yourself and your marriage. May you be open to finding happiness where you least expect it.