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Synnen · Oct 19, 2010, 08:22 AM

What's wrong with NOT having sex?

If you were a guy talking about a girl, I'd be ALL over you about pressuring her to have sex before she was ready.

So---I'm all over you for pushing HIM to have sex before he's ready.

What IS it with girls that need guys to be "all over them" to feel attractive? I think at least part of this is about YOUR self-esteem. You don't feel worthwhile in the relationship unless he's REALLY sexually attracted to you, so much that you feel pressured.

How about leaving the physical side of attraction alone for now, and work on being mentally attracted to EACH OTHER. If one or both of you isn't comfortable enough to talk about your sex life, then you shouldn't be having sex anyway.

wompwompwomp87 · Oct 19, 2010, 08:35 AM

Perfect! Thank you lol. Don't know why that was so difficult to think up on my own but that is exactly how I feel so that is what I will say. Again though, I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and give him until the end of the month to see if he can man up and make a damn move! Lol

He actually does talk about his ex kind of often, not really about their sex life though. He has a lot of built up resentment towards her there is a lot of anger there, but I do believe that he doesn't still have any feelings for her (they only dated 2.5 months for pete's sake) as far as I know she ended things pretty abruptly and screwed him out of $150, so he's still pretty bitter about that. Anyway, I don't know how that cold play into anything. And no, I don't really ever mention my ex's unless he asks.

wompwompwomp87 · Oct 19, 2010, 08:43 AM

Synnen - I think you're kind of missing the boat on this one.

It is clear to me this isn't an issue of him "not being ready" it feels/seems to be about him not being ready with me, and I just can't figure out why. Like I said, he has been with other women, relationships shorter than ours, and they have been sexual. With me, nothing. He has made sexual comments to me before and otherwise given me the green light, but then when we're in a situation when something could happen there is zero response or initiation. I don't need him to be all over me to feel attractive, he makes me feel incredibly attractive lol he shows me affection/attention in many other ways so it's not that.

I feel there is a problem, and all I am doing here is getting other opinions because I, personally, have never been in this situation before.

slapshot_oi · Oct 19, 2010, 08:48 AM

Originally Posted by Synnen

So---I'm all over you for pushing HIM to have sex before he's ready.

I think you're overreacting here, the OP isn't out of line. After three months of dating and spending nights together, she wants sex and isn't getting it, that's a reasonable request and it doesn't make her a bad person with self-esteem issues. Moreover, she did say she's giving him until the end of the month to make a move so she plans to act on her feelings, which is completely pro-active.

To the OP: do you plan on giving him this ultimatum, or are you going to keep it a secret?

Synnen · Oct 19, 2010, 08:56 AM

I'm just stating that if this were a male asking why a female wasn't "putting out" after 3 months, it would be a different story.

And I absolutely, positively stand behind my statement that anyone who can't talk about sex shouldn't be having it anyway. So... the fact that he won't talk about it says that he's not ready. Could be for any number of reasons, but until the OP gets him to talk about it, she won't know. Is it nagging to bring it up again? Not really, as long as it's brought up in the right way, with the statement of "I really just want to understand your side of this, and want to know what's going on with you. i'm not trying to pressure you, I just want to make sure we're communicating on the same level. If you don't want to talk about this, or want some time to think about it, that's fine. But we need to discuss it in order that our relationship be on firm ground".

wompwompwomp87 · Oct 19, 2010, 09:02 AM

For me it's not really an ultimatum. If he still isn't ready for whatever reason to have a sexual relationship come the end of the month, then I think I'm going to propose the idea of cooling things down / taking a break. I feel like at this point we've hit a brick wall because for me sex is important in a relationship. Yes some of you might disagree blah blah blah but for me it is. I like that feeling of lust, raw attraction, need. And I also think that next step of trust and intimacy is important. If he for whatever reason cannot give that to me, then it's just time to move on. Sorry if that's unreasonable to some but to each his own right?

wompwompwomp87 · Oct 19, 2010, 09:05 AM

I don't know how to do that quoting thing lol, but @ Synnen: "I'm just stating that if this were a male asking why a female wasn't "putting out" after 3 months, it would be a different story."

Yes, fine. But this girl also wouldn't be sleeping over at his house / having him sleep over half naked in bed together... just saying.

Cat1864 · Oct 19, 2010, 09:11 AM

Originally Posted by wompwompwomp87

It is clear to me this isn't an issue of him "not being ready" it feels/seems to be about him not being ready with me, and I just can't figure out why. Like I said, he has been with other women, relationships shorter than ours, and they have been sexual. With me, nothing. He has made sexual comments to me before and otherwise given me the green light, but then when we're in a situation when something could happen there is zero response or initiation. I don't need him to be all over me to feel attractive, he makes me feel incredibly attractive lol he shows me affection/attention in many other ways so it's not that.

Originally Posted by wompwompwomp87

He actually does talk about his ex kind of often, not really about their sex life though. He has a lot of built up resentment towards her there is a lot of anger there, but I do believe that he doesn't still have any feelings for her (they only dated 2.5 months for pete's sake) as far as I know she ended things pretty abruptly and screwed him out of $150, so he's still pretty bitter about that. Anyway, I don't know how that cold play into anything. And no, I don't really ever mention my ex's unless he asks.

I think you are misreading his signals and not communicating with him.

From what you have written, his past relationships have jumped into intercourse extremely quickly and ended extremely quickly (2.5 months?). It sounds like a cycle he has gotten into and is trying to break.

You want him to 'man up' and make a move when he has been showing you he cares about you more than it appears he has other women in his past.

How long have your sexually-based relationships lasted? Do you think trying something different might be a good idea? You seem intent on comparing him to your past boyfriends and what they did and when. Why? Why not allow this relationship to grow at its own pace? Why rush into sex?

It isn't about what he did with X or when Y made his move. It is about when both of you together decide that the time is right. It is about communicating and understanding each other. Ultimatums, whether spoken or not, put pressure on a relationship and can warp it into something other than a healthy, enjoyable partnership.

Enigma1999 · Oct 19, 2010, 09:19 AM

Originally Posted by wompwompwomp87

Perfect! Thank you lol. Don't know why that was so difficult to think up on my own but that is exactly how I feel so that is what I will say. Again though, I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and give him until the end of the month to see if he can man up and make a damn move!! lol

He actually does talk about his ex kind of often, not really about their sex life though. He has a lot of built up resentment towards her there is a lot of anger there, but I do believe that he doesn't still have any feelings for her (they only dated 2.5 months for pete's sake) as far as I know she ended things pretty abruptly and screwed him out of $150, so he's still pretty bitter about that. Anyway, I don't know how that cold play into anything. And no, I don't really ever mention my ex's unless he asks.

EXACTLY! Which is why he might want to take things slow with you. To make sure things don't end abruptly...

Make sense?

wompwompwomp87 · Oct 19, 2010, 09:22 AM

Sexually-based is the wrong way to put it... I don't want this to be sexually based, but I feel like it is the next step to take. I've only ever been in long term relationships. Maybe that's part of the problem, lol kind of used to having steady sex. I don't know. I'm just saying you approach things differently if you are the type to take things slow. You certainly don't sleep over in the same bed frequently, shirts off, etc.

I'm not trying to rush him, and like I said the last thing I want is for him to have sex with me because he feels he "has to" which is why I haven't said anything about it since that first time a month ago. I feel like the amount of time we've spent together, slept over, etc I've been more than patient. I am going to give it more time, but at the end of the month will be 4 months and for me that is more than enough time. If it's not for him, then clearly we aren't on the same page and move at different paces, which is why I will propose we slow things down.

It's interesting to see all the different perspectives though, which is why I like this board. Helps you think :)

slapshot_oi · Oct 19, 2010, 10:27 AM

Originally Posted by wompwompwomp87

. . . If he for whatever reason cannot give that to me, then it's just time to move on. Sorry if that's unreasonable to some but to each his own right?

Well said.

I have a suggestion, what if you took the reigns one night when you're all randy, and be on top? If he's nervous like I think he is, there's a good chance this will cure him.

JudyKayTee · Oct 19, 2010, 10:35 AM

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

Well said.

I have a suggestion, what if you took the reigns one night when you're all randy, and be on top? If he's nervous like I think he is, there's a good chance this will cure him.

- or scare him half to death, either/or, depending on his "issues."

But it IS a good thought!

(I have found that not all men like sexually aggressive women.)

Enigma1999 · Oct 19, 2010, 10:47 AM

Well another thing that she could do is, the next time they are out to dinner, and he wants to have sex, I would say, "ok, lets go to the car."

After all, she mentioned that he wants to while they are out at dinner.

wompwompwomp87 · Oct 19, 2010, 11:38 AM

I have done that before, not crazy aggressively but I'm always the one to take the reigns because at first I thought maybe he's just shy... but when there is absolutely no response I end up giving up and just going to bed, it's like a slap in the face to be honest.

And hell no I'm not doing it in the car!! Lol ;)

Synnen · Oct 19, 2010, 12:35 PM

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

Well said.

I have a suggestion, what if you took the reigns one night when you're all randy, and be on top? If he's nervous like I think he is, there's a good chance this will cure him.

And if he's really not ready, this will push him away.

And if you gave this advice to a male about a female, this would be suspiciously close to rape.

Really--how about TALKING about it, instead of playing games?

wompwompwomp87 · Oct 19, 2010, 12:37 PM

Oh good grief. Relax. Lol

JudyKayTee · Oct 19, 2010, 12:50 PM

I'm back to trying to talk to him about it - how about TALKING during dinner and while in the car and then DOING whatever you agree on (or don't agree on) someplace else?

Synnen · Oct 19, 2010, 12:52 PM

Let me put it this way:

If a guy were told to act this way with YOU, when YOU weren't ready to have sex, how would you feel?

If some guy decided arbitrarily, without talking to you about it, that you were moving too slowly for him and that he was going break it off with you after a month if you weren't more interested in the physical side of things---and DIDN'T TELL YOU--how would you feel?

Break it off with the poor guy already. You obviously can't talk openly and honestly with him about sex, and therefore probably don't have a clue what's really going on in his head.

Your relationship is doomed anyway, if you'd rather play games about it and make decisions about your relationship based on how he is expected to act (without telling him those expectations, by the way) and not discuss it instead.

But I obviously don't make sense to you, because you're thinking with your little head (haha) instead of your big head.

wompwompwomp87 · Oct 19, 2010, 12:56 PM

LOL!! Ahh Judy, you're my hero.
Anyway guys THANK You for all of your help, suggestions, comments, inputs, etc etc... yes, it is evident the only thing I can do is talk to him again but like I've said in this thread, I'm going to give it until the end of the month to see if anything happens on it's own, otherwise I shall be rolling out "the talk"

slapshot_oi · Oct 19, 2010, 01:16 PM

Originally Posted by wompwompwomp87

I have done that before, not crazy agressively but I'm always the one to take the reigns because at first I thought maybe he's just shy...but when there is absolutely no response I end up giving up and just going to bed, it's like a slap in the face to be honest.

No response? Hmm, now I really don't know 'cause I thought he was just shy, too.