[truelovehurts]

My girlfriend and I have bee together for 18 months and, like every story you here, things in the beginning were fabulous and we fell in love with each other deeply. We were both in work, me self employed a her working for NHS. Money wasn't an issue, well I thought not. We had plans for a bright future and with her wishes very nearly moved in together, being pretty sure of our future together we even spoke about marriage. I then lost my business through the recession and became unemployed and in great debt and now live in rented house. I have very little to live on and barely scrape by until I find work again. She started to feel guilty about staying over at mine and using my gas, electric etc. even though it was balanced out when I stayed at her's. She feels that because she has never relied upon anyone in the past she doesn't feel I should be reliant upon here and because she has fought to get and keep what she has now she doesn't feel she should risk it in any way. I have explained to her that if we pool our resources, together we can rebuild our future together. I have been working on a business plan to start a new business that would cost very little in retrospect but, more than I can afford. I asked my parents if they could help but they said that my girlfriend and I should be working this one out together, especially when she has the resources to invest in our future. She has taken such a step back that we hardly see each other now and it's ripping me apart. I know she still loves me because, A. She tell me and says she's still in love with me and B. She still has all our photos and stuff around her house. However, she still spend a lot of money each month on things like jeans and things she can live without but won't invest in her future with me. Am I being selfish here? I really don't know what to do to, I'm at my wits end and desperate not to lose her. X

[pandead]

Please keep in mind it's only a opinion.

So your parents basically told you "your girlfriend has money go ask her to invest for your new business plan" after you lost your job and you are upset because she "still spends a lot of money each month on things like jeans and things she can't live without but won't invest in her future with you."

Even though you talked about it, you are not married so why would she act like you were? How comfortable would you feel taking her money, when she feels uncomfortable using gas and electricity in your house? Some might say "she's not that into you" or "not so committed yet" but I just think she is spending her hard earned money and she can buy whatever she wants with it. You can always ask her to invest in you but if she doesn't want to, you can't expect her to say yes.

Reminds me of this thread, "We are being selfish when we get angry at others for doing what they want to do rather than doing what we want them to do." So yes, I think you are being selfish expecting someone you've been dating for 18 months to invest their money in your business.

I also think it would be a great opportunity to show her how you manage your life when things don't go well if you care about her and think of your future with her so exploring other investment options could be a solution. Again, it's just my opinion. Good luck.

[joypulv]

Money has more to do with relationships surviving than anything else most of the time. She wants someone on a financial par with her, even if you have to start all over, and there's no right or wrong. But she might also wonder about your strength as a person if you have to ask parents and her for money to get a new business started again. Do what you have to, even if it's a menial job while you save or start something online that requires no office or storefront or large investment.
I'm unclear how you see her reluctance as 'battling with guilt.'
I also think if anyone should be suggesting the pooling of resources, it shouldn't be the one who doesn't have any.

[truelovehurts]

Thank you for your responses,
I'm humbled by them. In a large way I do agree with both of you in a lot of what was said. When we first met and I was earning good money, she had no problems accepting my money and generosity, I would see it as an investment into both our futures and I do feel that if we are committed to our future we would both be achieving what we both want. If the shoe was on the other foot, I'd have no hesitation, as her partner, in doing whatever it took to help her out, it would in turn help each other out in the long run. The business would mean hard work on my part but the profits and rewards would be enjoyed by both of us.
Perhaps it's me then that's too old fashioned in my views or selfish in my expectations of a relationship or perhaps even both. I only want the best for her and up and till I lost my business, she had just that. I guess if it's me that's committed enough for her I should be getting off my backside and getting things sorted to allow her to feel a value in me that you said.
Sounds to me that I owe her a huge apology and have a bridge to build. It's not easy where I live because the population level is limited to find work in order to raise the money to get the new business off the ground but, I'm hearing what you're both saying, it's down to me. Shame though, I though being a committed couple was about working together to reach the end game of happiness. Seems I have a lot to learn.

Thank you again.

G

[truelovehurts]

I forgot to mention, it was also her Idea to ask my parents for help, it was her eagerness for me to move in with her. I see it more as 'our' business, 'our' benefits for 'us'. I'm getting confused again, sorry.

[answerme_tender]

I have a question, after reading both of your post. Is this something you can get over and still move forward with your relationship, or will you see this as her not supporting you when you needed her too?

[talaniman]

She has taken such a step back that we hardly see each other now and it's ripping me apart. I know she still loves me because, A. She tell me and says she's still in love with me and B. She still has all our photos and stuff around her house. However, she still spend a lot of money each month on things like jeans and things she can live without but won't invest in her future with me

This may be harsh, but unless you overcome these obstacles you are faced with on your own A) She will no longer love you, and B) your stuff will no longer adorn her walls, and C) someone else will be seeing those jeans on her.

Shame though, I though being a committed couple was about working together to reach the end game of happiness. Seems I have a lot to learn.

You sure do, like proving to yourself, more than her that you can carry your own weight and overcome any obstacles that life throws at you. Despite all the love, you are not married, not committed, and she doesn't feel obligated to invest in your future happiness together. I don't know whether this is tough love or not, but for sure you are on your own for yourself, and there will be no easy options, or quick fixes here, buddy.

Am I being selfish here?

No, just seeing an easy way out, and ignoring the obvious, she isn't ready to invest in your future because she is not sold on it being good for her future. A helluva thing to find out about a female you have spent the last 18 months with, and had such high hopes for.

I really don't know what to do to, I'm at my wits end and desperate not to lose her.

Losing her is the least of your problems, regrouping and rebuilding is far more important. FAR MORE!! So lets be clear, she, nor your parents will help you, so help yourself, and do what you have to do to that end. Above all don't let desperate feelings, make you see fantasies, and not reality's.

I think you are getting a preview of this girls real character, and like many, she loves you when your fine and well, but when your down, she keeps a distance. Something to pay attention too, when you do get your feet under you again.

I forgot to mention, it was also her Idea to ask my parents for help, it was her eagerness for me to move in with her. I see it more as 'our' business, 'our' benefits for 'us'. I'm getting confused again, sorry.

Pay attention, is she still eager for the moving in with her NOW??

Life has a way of showing us things we need to see, if we pay close attention.

[Cat1864]

You talk about what you gave her when you were employed as though she wasn't working and doing anything for you during that time. You also say what you would have done had she lost her job. That is beside the point until it happens.

I don't know her history. I don't know if she has been fed the 'it's for 'our' future' argument before and been burned.

It is one thing to share living expenses with someone and quite another to hand your safety net over to someone else.

You are thinking about the future. She is thinking not only about 'down the road' but 'right around the corner'. Say she invests her savings in your business today. Then three days from now after you have the money tied up, she gets injured or loses her job (in this economy it is still a very big possibility) and doesn't have any money coming in. She loses everything she has worked for just like you did. Do you really want to put her in that position?

I wonder how much of her 'pulling away' is due to feeling pressured and being resentful of that pressure. How much emotional support, etc. was she giving you until you came up with this idea and asked her for a large investment and got resentful of her for not giving you the money?

[Jake2008]

It's good that you are trying to understand where she might be coming from. If you can, and see things from her point of view, the relationship may survive, and who knows what the future will bring.

But, your question, "She's battling with the guilt of selfishness', is something to think about in itself. This question implies that she is selfish, and feels guilty in not committing more than what she can, in a new relationship. You interpret the giving more part, as investing financially in you.

That is a lot to expect of someone.

If the relationship were new, and the two of you just met for example. Your circumstances are each at polar opposites. You have lost everything, and she is managing very well. While she thinks you are good company, and fun to be with, do you think she would invest more in a relationship with you, or less, or none at all. Or at best, would she likely take things very, very slow.

It is one thing to have a marriage, or long term relationship, together, where you have enough history behind you to weather storms of financial losses. But after only 18 months, in the overall scope of things, for you (or your parents) to expect her to invest financially, is expecting too much.