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wompwompwomp87 · Oct 18, 2010, 10:31 AM

I've been with my current boyfriend for 3 months, we are both 23. We sleep over at each others houses every weekend and a couple nights during the week but we have never had sex. I've made several advances but half the time I give up because there is absolutely no reciprocation. One night about a month ago I finally decided to ask him about it but I didn't really get a clear answer. He said whenever I have made advances (usually when we're laying down in bed) he, for whatever reason, just wasn't in the mood, but he says he gets in the mood at times where it's impossible for us to have sex (i.e. if we're out for dinner). He said he doesn't understand it and that it's nothing about me, so I told him it's no big deal and that I don't want to push him into anything he's not comfortable with and whenever he's ready obviously I am too. He was really embarrassed about it.
Now being a month later it's starting to effect our relationship. I just feel so self conscious, I've started to think it must be something wrong with me... I just don't understand how close we've become yet there is no heat or intimacy in our relationship. Is that weird? I've never been in this situation before, past boyfriends have always been pretty anxious to start having sex so I can't figure out what is up with this guy considering we have every opportunity to and he hasn't been with a girl in over 7 months, wouldn't he be anxious too? I so don't get it.
Basically I'm looking for any guys out there who have felt like this or might be able to clear up what might be going on because I'm scared to bring it up with him again. It's just beginning to really frustrate me...

Cat1864 · Oct 18, 2010, 10:56 AM

I will be honest and say that maybe the relationship is being rushed a bit if it is only three months old and already you are getting frustrated over not having sex.

You really need to be able to talk openly and honestly about sex before you start having any. If he is vague about arousal, is he open about other details such as birth control? How is the rest of the relationship?

Maybe you should try not sleeping over at each other's places so often and see if that help build the sexual tension.

Maybe you are better friends than lovers.

wompwompwomp87 · Oct 18, 2010, 11:10 AM

The rest of the relationship is great. We've really grown close to each other and we get along great, in every other aspect he feels exactly like a boyfriend should. I agree it is a little soon and maybe I do need to relax a bit, it's just before all of this he seemed to want to take that step. We'd flirt a lot and he'd say little sexual innuendo's which I took as the green light, we're good to go! Then this. So I'm totally confused...

Enigma1999 · Oct 18, 2010, 11:20 AM

Originally Posted by wompwompwomp87

The rest of the relationship is great. We've really grown close to each other and we get along great, in every other aspect he feels exactly like a boyfriend should. I agree it is a little soon and maybe I do need to relax a bit, it's just before all of this he seemed to want to take that step. We'd flirt a lot and he'd say little sexual innuendo's which I took as the green light, we're good to go! Then this. So I'm totally confused...

I agree with cat. I had to spread the rep.

I think that you should just relax and let it happen when he is ready.

When it does happen, it will be based off passion not pressure.

Just put yourself in his position, I'm sure you wouldn't want to feel the pressures of sex.

It will happen. Oh and just to let you know, I made my husband wait for more than a year. Can you imagine his feelings. He, however, took it like a champ.:D

wompwompwomp87 · Oct 18, 2010, 11:56 AM

Lol :) that's a good point, and that's why I am so hesitant to bring it up again because the last thing I would want is for him to have sex with me because he feels like he has to... I want him to WANT too. That is the part that's frustrating me... he's a guy! He hasn't had sex in 7 months. I've made it clear that I'm willing/ready. Why doesn't he want toooooo... grr... lol. :)

Enigma1999 · Oct 18, 2010, 12:01 PM

Originally Posted by wompwompwomp87

lol :) that's a good point, and that's why I am so hesitant to bring it up agian because the last thing I would want is for him to have sex with me because he feels like he has to... I want him to WANT too. That is the part that's frustrating me... he's a guy! He hasn't had sex in 7 months. I've made it clear that I'm willing/ready. Why doesn't he want toooooo.... grr... lol. :)

It could be anything. I don't think it is YOU. Perhaps his last relationship was based off sex, and really nothing else. He may be afraid that it might happen again.

He wants to take his time. For what ever reason, he does. Let him. Doesn't matter if he is a guy, or if he hasn't had sex in 7 months. He is still a human being who has feelings. His feelings are to wait. So wait.

It will happen.

wompwompwomp87 · Oct 18, 2010, 12:09 PM

I think most of my frustration just comes from the fact that I don't understand. For example if I knew for sure that what you suggested was the case I would be 100% understanding and back off and everything would make sense. However he's told me pretty much everything about his past relationships so I have to rule that possibility out. Plus he was so vague when I did try to talk to him about it so I can't help but think about every possibility... i.e. is he sleeping with somebody else? Is he not attracted to me? I know it might seem silly or paranoid but it's how the situations makig me feel and I can't seem to shake it :S

Cat1864 · Oct 18, 2010, 12:12 PM

Originally Posted by wompwompwomp87

Why doesn't he want toooooo.... grr... lol. :)

Maybe he doesn't want to repeat mistakes of the past. Have his relationships in the past been so much about sex that friendship and companionship were forgotten? It sounds like he may like more than just your body and that can be a very good thing in a relationship that you want to last.

Is he afraid of an unplanned pregnancy?

Now that you are getting a different view of the situation, maybe you can sit down with him and talk about it.

Enigma1999 · Oct 18, 2010, 12:13 PM

Originally Posted by Cat1864

Maybe he doesn't want to repeat mistakes of the past. Have his relationships in the past been so much about sex that friendship and companionship were forgotten? It sounds like he may like more than just your body and that can be a very good thing in a relationship that you want to last.

Is he afraid of an unplanned pregnancy?

Now that you are getting a different view of the situation, maybe you can sit down with him and talk about it.

That was my point exactly. Thank you.

wompwompwomp87 · Oct 18, 2010, 12:18 PM

Well thank you for your feedback ladies... I like that neither of you are panicking so it's making me relax a little lol realizing it's probably just all in my head. Like I said none of my ex bfs have ever been so resistant so I just didn't know how to react. I think I'm going to give it a bit before I bring up the topic with him again, maybe in a month or so if it still hasn't happened.

Men. Lol. Got to love em'. :)

JudyKayTee · Oct 18, 2010, 12:19 PM

I never understand a relationship where people are ready for sex but NOT ready to talk to each other about sex.

It makes me question the depth of the relationship.

NOW is the time to ask the boyfriend if there's a problem.

wompwompwomp87 · Oct 18, 2010, 12:26 PM

I'm not sure you read my question properly. I stated that I have spoken with him about this already, but that I'm hesitant to bring it up again so soon because I don't want him to feel pressured.

JudyKayTee · Oct 18, 2010, 12:27 PM

Same thing - I read it. I'd speak to him AGAIN. If he isn't comfortable with the conversation then I'd rethink the relationship. I don't think you need to badger him but it appears this is an important issue to you and he should be aware of that.

And if his answer is, "No sex, not yet." Well, fine, you have your answer and can make a decision on how to proceed.

wompwompwomp87 · Oct 18, 2010, 12:29 PM

Yeah I would agree another talk is definitely needed, but I think I'm going to wait just a little while longer before I do. I'm going to see if things happen on their own over the next few weeks, and if not... conversation time! Lol. :)

JudyKayTee · Oct 18, 2010, 12:31 PM

I would be concerned that he is, for whatever reason, uncomfortable with a (or your) sexual relationship, "things happen," he feels guilty or sad or whatever else - and then you have to live with that.

I've never been much for the "sex happens" theory.

wompwompwomp87 · Oct 18, 2010, 12:34 PM

Judy I think you hit my concern right on the button! Do you have any pointers of how I should approach that exact point with him without making him feel inadequate or pressured? He seemed so embarrassed about it last time that I'm just nervous to make him feel any worse about it.

Cherry_Black · Oct 18, 2010, 01:50 PM

He might be in the mood when your out because there is more of a rush the feeling of being court out an doing something bad.
Might be what he needs to get him ready, it may not be but it is just a though
I know a few guys that love to have fun in public places as it give them more of a rush an more of a fantasy for them.

slapshot_oi · Oct 18, 2010, 02:38 PM

Well, the good news is he likes you quite a bit and he is attracted to you. That is fact.

Here's my take:

He's nervous about his sexual performance because he's inexperienced. Some of the things you wrote lend itself to that theory. This is something we men think about when we're seeing a girl we really like.

If he was confident, he would've taken every opportunity you threw at him.

wompwompwomp87 · Oct 19, 2010, 06:58 AM

I have considered that possibility, I know he has insecurities and he definitely has a tendency to over analyze so I feel like he might be turning this into a bigger deal than it is... but again, why me?? I know his last girlfriend and him were sexually active and they only dated for 2.5 months! I just find it hard to sympathize if this is the case, like grow up and get over it (woah lol heartless?) my last boyfriend was the most insecure person in the world so I'm pretty much over the having to constantly reassure thing... I've decided that I'm giving it until the end of the month and if nothing happens we're going to have to have a talk...

JudyKayTee · Oct 19, 2010, 08:11 AM

And I would approach it as if YOU are having the problem - along the lines of, "I feel very insecure/uncomfortable/embarrassed because I would like to have a sexual relationship and I feel like you are pushing me away. Could we talk about that?" He'll either say "no" (or jump out an open wndow to avoid the conversation) or he'll discuss it.

As a side note - does he talk about the "ex" often? Do you talk about your "ex" often?

I once dated a guy who spent MANY of his waking hours telling me how uninhibited and wild and crazy his "ex" was in bed to the point where I felt he was next going to give out ratings, much along the lines of the Olympics. I got sick of hearing about their sex life (and looking back I think he was convincing himself, not me) and I moved on.

Something like that going on?