[cc_pdx]

My girlfriend & I have been together over 7 years, lived together (including now) for most of that time. There is no obviously-must-break-up problem like cheating, drugs, physical abuse, etc. However we just don't get along it seems. Not just once in a while fight, but it's like almost every day we fight, & if we're not fighting, it's just neutral, very rarely is it actually positive. I should probably give you all some details, but I also don't want to be writing some laundry list of complaints against her. Basically I don't want regret breaking up, but I also don't want to settle for this, it's not happy for either of us. I've been feeling this way for around a year (we had some similar problems before also, but less frequent & I never wanted to break up), & especially the last 3-4 months. I talk with her about our problems but I've never told her I'm thinking about breaking up. She used to have a habit, years ago, of threatening to break up over every little thing, & then taking it back the next morning & apologising. Anyway I'm worried that if I am the one to bring up the idea of breaking up, we will break up with no further conversation so I want to be very sure before I bring it up. Well if any of you can sort through this muddle & help with some advice or questions in the right direction, it's very much appreciated!

[answerme_tender]

You have been together for seven years and even live together. You know each others habits, likes,dislikes, how to push buttons,etc.. Bottom line is do you love this woman enough to live the rest of your life together? If you are, then you might want to get some counceling and work on your communications skills. Maybe it would help to stop the fighting long enough to see if there is anything left in this relationship.
If your already at the point of were you have chosen "no I dont want to spend rest of my life with her". Then you need to let her know and move on. If this relationship is done, there is no reason to drag it out. More fighting isn't going to solve anything.
This is going to be a hard, but you need to choose one way or another and stick with it. No more back and forth!

[cc_pdx]

Thanks for your thoughts!

You're right we know all about button pushing. The question of whether I want to spend the rest of my life with her is exactly what I'm trying to decide. We both have described ourself as "life partners" for a while, maybe 5 years or so, but now I am doubting that. We have been to some counseling both together & separately. Not that I don't have stuff to work on & improve, but I don't know if that's the root of the problem. A lot of times I feel like those communication skills are great for avoiding fights, i.e. stopping a negative thing, but I don't know if what's left is just neutral, I feel a lack of actually positive connection. Improving some of these communication/relationship skills have side effects in context too. Like I have trouble setting boundaries with her, but maybe since she's not used to me doing it, now that I do set boundaries more often when I should, she just steps over them anyway. Again these aren't boundaries like "don't hit me" or anything, just day-to-day stuff or basic good manners or the golden rule or whatever, but it makes it so I don't like being around her.

But of course I don't want to throw it all away if this is just a "rough patch". Basically I guess I'm asking what you & others think on how to decide if something is a rough patch or more serious. Like for example, how long is a rough patch before it just should be called a rough relationship overall?

[answerme_tender]

cc_pdx

I don't know what to say, hopefully someother people will give some advice. My gut says that you just need to move on. If you don't even like to be around this person, then how in the heck can you build a future.
Are sure this is a rough patch, or has the last 5 years been the rough patch and lately your eyes are open enough to see that your close to the END!
Don't take this from a loving relationship, to an relationship of being a habit. That is never a reason to stay.
Okay so counceling didn't work before. But if you really want this to work, you might want to try again. Maybe you both need to try some new hobbies together, or take some classes together.

[ironhide262]

I was in very much similar circumstances as you are... in a relationship with a girl, 7+ yrs. I know what you mean about setting boundries only to have her step over them. Looking back I was also very unhappy at the time... things were just not getting any better... just stagnant. We had some very good times during those days as well but, there was always something missing.
I was just as confused as you... how long do you hang on? After all, we all go into some relationships deciding we will stay with them no matter what, right? Despite the difficulties I hung on thinking I give it my all and at least I tried if it all went sour. What I didn't count on was that she would move on faster than me. That "moving on" came in the form of a secret affair she had been hiding from me for months which I eventually discovered!
REMEMBER.. you are in a relationship! She also has her ideas, thoughts as well.
You seem to be trying a lot of things, counseling, etc. If it was helping I'm not so sure you would be here asking for some advice.
Looking back on my situation at the time it is very easy for me to see now that I was not happy( miserable really) but, I guess I hung on out of obligation or loyalty in the end... which was just stupid. I think if I could go back in time I would tell myself to just move on... either way it hurts but better get on making yourself happier than who knows how much misery.
I think what me and my ex needed was a huge wake up call... like going through some life altering experience... an adverse mountain climb or a half starved trek through a jungle to appreciate each other and realize just what we have. Sometime's I wish we did. I think you and your ex need to sit down and be brutally honest with each other... find out how you both feel and mutually set a time limit for things to get better. Perhaps a break up is just what you need to get things going again? All the best!

[talaniman]

What defines a relationship is how partners work together through honest communications to resolve their issue to the benefit of them both. If that doesn't, or can't happen, then you go your separate ways. Be as honest with her as you are with yourself, and stop avoiding what could happen, deal with what is happening.

[beachloverjohn]

CC, you and your girlfriend have lasted longer than tons of marriages, so this is a major decision that you are trying to make. I know when I'm faced with such an important decision, I always go on an advice website and ask total strangers to help me decide.. All right I'm being a sarcastic jerk, but if you and your long term girlfriend don't get along, then of course it's time to separate. Be glad your never got married, much easier this way. But listen guy, you should be talking this over with her, and if you both want to continue, then get some couples counseling. But if you have tried everything and it is still not working, then you will be happier apart. But you already know that I'm sure.

And one last thing. Being in a relationship shouldn't be that much work. And the fact that you are either fighting or just neutral sounds like much more than a rough patch.