[rosal]

Hello Friends,
I am a Punjabi-gujjar boy and I am in love with a Punjabi-Brahmin girl since the year 2004. Our situation is very different from that of a simple inter-cast love marriage. Please read carefully, understand the situation and then suggest something really effective. In the year 2007 my girlfriend's parents came to know about our relation and they got her married forcefully and we parted our ways. She went to the other state and unfortunately became a victim of domestic violence and dowry. She came back to her parents home after 2-3 months as she was threatened to be murdered by her in laws. In the year 2008, I came to know all this through a common friend and I could not control my emotions and convinced her somehow to at least be a normal friend. But both of us did not even realize when we started loving each other again. Now we have decided to get married, her parents are almost convinced as they want to stand by her now. But the biggest problem is now arising from my side. I told my parents in January 2010 and after 10 months they are still sticking to the same point that she is divorced and also does not belong to our cast. I have tried every possible thing to convince them about this but in vain. I had taken my decision of getting married and living separately from my parents but My girlfriend wants to get married with our families consent. She wants to live a normal family life with my family and me both and I really want to give her what she wants.
Please if someone can help, I would really be grateful as we cannot even think of life without each other. God has given us a second chance and we want to avail it definitely.
Please help us..

Romit

[Cat1864]

After what she has been through I can see why she would want the consent of both families.

How much of what she has been through does your family know?

Have they met her?

Is there anyone who would be willing to talk to your parents on your behalf?

[Fr_Chuck]

Is there also perhaps another family elder in your family and perhaps one in hers that would talk to them.

[rosal]

My family knows everything, they are not even agreeing to the point of meeting her and my parents are eldest from their respective families and so no one is standing by my side.

[rosal]

My parents are eldest from their respective families and so no one is willing to even have a conversation on this issue. And from her side I don't want her family to come as for now my parents would say ugly things which would last for long.

[Cat1864]

rosal, you can use the Answer box at the bottom of the page to respond so that you do not feel like you have to reply to each post with the same information over and over again.

Is there anyone in the community who would speak for you? Someone they might listen to and think about their words instead of dismissing them.

I am trying to think of anything that might help, though I am very limited in my knowledge of your parents' culture and customs. I understand that leaving your family to marry her would cause issues not only with your family and community, but within the marriage itself if it isn't handled properly.

They object to her as your wife because not only is she of another caste, but she is divorced. I understand these are major concerns to them, but I am wondering if there is another issue, too. Do they have someone picked out that they would prefer to have as a daughter-in-law? Are they trying to arrange what they would see as a better match for you?

[talaniman]

So you need someone from your family to step forward and give consent to this marriage with a divorced female? Just because that's what she wants. Well seeing how difficult that has been and will continue to be, then maybe the conflict is really between you and her?

I say this because her way didn't work before, nor does it look like it will work again. How realistic of her to expect a normal family relationship when she carries the stigma of divorce to your family? I can only suggest at this point that you talk to HER, and come to an agreeable compromise for the two of you since you have no family support. Maybe over time when they see what the two of you mean to each other, and are happy, its possible they will relent, and reconsider.

Otherwise, you will scratch your head out trying to convince them to change their minds, with old used arguments that fall on deaf ears. You can't convince them, so convince your girl that it's the thing to do, while they are so entrenched in their thinking.

That does mean you have to reject all of their suggestions for marriage they can come up with. If your parents do not change their minds what will she do then? Ask her? But that's who you talk to, her, and NOT your parents. Her position is as hard as your parents is.

[rosal]

There is no "conflict" between us, I too am a family man and the only son of my parents, we will not stop trying anyway. I respect your suggestion Thank you.

[rosal]

Yeah, they keep on coming up with proposals and I keep refusing them. Like you said we have found out some senior member to talk to them and make them understand. And also my gal's uncle is also trying as his wife and my father are colleagues.

[Cat1864]

The only thing I have left is to say, 'Good luck and I hope everything works out for the best.'

If there are any updates you want to share or still trying to work your way through the issues, we're here.

[ajwain]

Hello rosal hope am not late. Reading everything I feel you should go forward and marry her.and convince your girlfriend that you will have to marry without your parents consent.afterall its worth it. Life has given both a second chance to be together.dont lose it over any circumstances.all d best.