[vincentvigil]

My daughter is 14 years old. I haven't seen her since she wa seven. Her mother and I didn't get along after our divorce. She let me have my visitations for a while, but she was jealous of my relationship with my daughter. She eventually cut of the visitations, against the court order, and moved to the other side of the state. She wouldn't let me talk to my daughter or visit her or anything. No contact whatsoever. For the 6 years that I was apart from my daughter, my ex has been filling her head with lies about what a terrible person I am, that I abandoned her, never cared about her. She tells my daughter that I'm mean and abusive, and that I was never there, that my ex raised her alone. My daughter recently contacted me, and we have been texting and having occasional phone conversations. In the first place, I have no idea how to talk to a 14-year-old, and I really have no idea how to convince her that all the terrible things that are said about me are not true. I need her to believe that I love her and it was not my choice to be away from her. I need her to believe that the things are said about me are lies, but I have no idea how to go about talking to her about these things, or even what to say to her period. I really could use some help. How do I talk to her about these important things? How do I talk to her at all? What do I do?

[redhed35]

Let her talk.

You can ask about friends,school,her interests,same as you would with anyone.

As for talking about the past,its probably to early for any deep conversations yet,let her get to know you,and you get to know her.

The time will come when she will ask questions,then you can talk.I would caution you not to speak badly of her mother,whatever your thoughts.

Does her mother know she has been in contact?

You may need to get on firm legal ground,dot all the I's and cross the T's. hopefully another poster will be able to help in that aspect of your question.

As for your daughter,let her come to you,be open and friendly,don't come on too strong,let the relationship take its natural course.

Take things slowly for both of you.

[Fr_Chuck]

Well did you go back to court over 7 years to force visits ? If not, you did sort of give up on her.

But you just be yourself and be honest, don't white wash it, like you did here, blameing everything on mother, take the blame also for not using the courts to keep your rigits also.

Did you pay your child support though the courts ? Showing that you did not stop proving will be a good start also

[cdad]

Right now listening is your greatest tool. As she gets to know you she will come to know the truth so don't push her into the middle or force her to make choices. When you get defensive with words that is what your doing. As well as pushing her away. It doesn't matter to her what you and your mom went through it matters what you mean to her now. Its obviouse and fully clear that if she sought you out then she understands. Just take it slow and see how she feels about meeting up and make it happen. If you have never changed the court ordered visitation the in reality you still have it. Keep that in mind.

[Jake2008]

You may not like my advice, but here you go.

I would not be communicating with your minor child, behind her mothers' back. 14 year olds' motives should be questioned, especially after all this time you have had no contact with her. Is she getting along with her mother, do they argue a lot, is she searching you out because she wants to get away from home. She could be, like many teenagers, spinning a yarn that is not entirely accurate.

Secondly, by you doing what you are doing, and encouraging her to go behind her mother's back (by keeping it a secret from her mother), is just as bad as her mother's actions toward you. Both are alienating, subjective, and teaching her the wrong lesson here.

Your daughter could be playing on what her mother has told you, and thinking that she deserves monetary things from you, because you've likely been made out to be a deadbeat dad. Teenagers are very creative and can manipulate emotionally.

If I were in your shoes, I would tell your daughter that you would love to develop a relationship with her, but her mother needs to know. Then, I would contact your ex, via email, or through a relative or mutual friend, and let her know that she has contacted you, and you are letting her know that you've had some communication with her. You aren't saying you aren't going to communicate with her, you are merely informing her mother of this major event.

Be very careful of your daughter's motives. If she remembers you, or feels the need to know who you are, or she wants her father in her life for all the right reasons, then by all means seek ways to make that happen.

You haven't seen her since she was 7 years old. All the information you describe your ex with, is also 7 years old. Try to start fresh with her, without bitterness, and instead offer an olive branch so that you will be seen as a plus in this child's life, instead of a negative. Take the high road.

I don't know why you did not enforce your right as a father to maintain contact with her. Your wife may be exactly as you say, but she is not above a court order. That you haven't been involved with this child for 7 years of her life, is a huge hurdle to overcome, and I encourage you to move very slowly.

I really don't want to be a wet blanket here, but I think that most absentee fathers, regardless of the reasons, eventually expect that the children they fathered, will want to contact them. I suspect that your ex realizes this as well. That being said, the more effort you put into an easy transition toward communcation with your daughter by including her mother, the better off you will all be. Presuming you have been making regular support payments, is also in your favour.

Conversation and communication will come naturally with time. Be prepared for mixed emotions from both your daughter and her mother. Your daughter will likely ask a lot of questions, have a lot of confusion as to why you were so absent in her life (and try not to blame her mother for this- you could have enforced a court order), and she will run the whole gamut until she herself, feels that you are in her life, and won't leave again.

Kids are very forgiving, and very flexible. It doesn't take much to establish contact, but it will take a lot of work to make the relationships with all concerned, work.

All the best of luck to you.