[babyfacedave]

Hello I have concerns about my girlfriends son who sleeps with her at night, is this normal
From David

[dontknownuthin]

I think you know it's not normal at all. She needs to find a grown man to sleep with or sleep alone. Her son needs privacy, particularly as he enters puberty, and to be able to fall asleep in his own bed, which should have been accomplished at the latest when he was a toddler. She's setting this child up for a lot of potential issues, starting with a lack of independence and the potential to be ridiculed by friends if they find out he sleeps with his mom. Emotionally this is weird territory for both the mother and son and makes me wonder what other blurred boundaries there are in the relationship. I think it's probably more about her than him - she probably relies on him to fill the void of not having a partner, and that can be pretty screwed up.

[leanne1987]

My daughter is 3 and she has slept with me since out growing her cot, she is so scared of being on her own in her own bed or in her own bedroom, I'm just hoping she grows out of it sooner than later, I guess as he hits puberty he won't want to sleep with his mum. Has she tried getting him to sleep in his own bedroom or does she just accept it?

[talaniman]

I don't find this normal, but without a history of their past relationship, its hard to say, but its rather obvious they have been alone, for quite some time. That she allows this at his age, could be a thing to keep an eye on also, as maybe they are that dependent on each other that boundaries are blurred, and there is not that much discipline going on.

[J_9]

I agree with Tal. Without any other background info we can't form a proper answer.

Do they live in a one bedroom apartment, for example?

Has there been trauma in his life that makes him afraid to sleep alone?

[Fr_Chuck]

Normally no it is not normal, but there are exceptions for things with some special needs.

But if they can afford two bedrooms and there is no past trauma then they should be in their own bed.

Normally as in the three year old, it is often more of the parents problem, not having the ability to merely listen to the child cry a few nights while they get used to their own room.

[Alty]

I agree with all of the above. My daughter is 8, and there are times where she has a nightmare and will come to sleep with mommy and daddy, but even then, as soon as she falls asleep, we carry her back to her room.

This is an issue and it needs to be resolved. If she does only have a one bedroom apartment there are other ways to solve the sleeping arrangements. A cot in the living room, or a fold out couch, anything to allow the child his own space.

If this continues then there will likely be issues with the child down the road.

[J_9]

I'm going to play devil's advocate here. There are cultures that encourage rooming-in.

With my first two children I was adamant that they would not sleep with me and my ex. Wow, they were very troublesome sleepers.

Now, with my youngest two. I have no problem rooming-in. Of course it did not start until the night terrors started around age 2 or 3. At that point my current husband and I had no problem letting our daughter room with us, and now our son is.

Yes, the sex was extremely infrequent, but we could find times and ways to make it work, like when the kids were at school, or a friend's house. Frequent date nights when the kids went to the MIL's house.

Now, my daughter is 17 and extremely well adjusted, no she doesn't still sleep with us!

My son is 8, yes he still sleeps with us, but our situation is different now. I work nights, so the "boys" are home at night. When I don't work nights I'm still about the first one to bed, so my son just gets carried into bed when he falls asleep. He still has night terrors.

Now, we let the children ween themselves from our bedroom. Luckily the youngest is starting to show interest in his own privacy and his own room, we just have to deal with the nightmares, then I'm sure he'll be good to go.