[slapshot_oi]

If it bothers you this much, know that you won't soon forget it. You need to deal with this emotion however you feel that you should. Communication is key here.

What's considered cheating and what's not doesn't mean jack, it's still going to hurt you to hear it regardless. In Office Space, when Peter thought the waitress (Jennifer Aniston) slept with Lumberg, although they didn't even know each other then, to him, it was still cheating. Things would've been okay had he never asked.

You can't forget that you did fight tooth-and-nail to get your boyfriend to admit this, this is also something to think about.

[Ivory0921]

If it bothers you this much, know that you won't soon forget it. You need to deal with this emotion however you feel that you should. Communication is key here.

What's considered cheating and what's not doesn't mean jack, it's still going to hurt you to hear it regardless. In Office Space, when Peter thought the waitress (Jennifer Aniston) slept with Lumberg, although they didn't even know each other then, to him, it was still cheating. Things would've been okay had he never asked.

You can't forget that you did fight tooth-and-nail to get your boyfriend to admit this, this is also something to think about.

Thanks.. I;m glad someone finally acknowledged that regardless of whetheror not it WAS cheating, that YES, it still does hurt to hear it (in my case, it hurts alot).

I think I kind of get what your trying to say in terms of cheating.

I guess another question I have here is, doesn't anybody out there consider this "cheating" in a sense that since it makes me feel this bad, and AS IF he DID cheat on me, then MAYBE it IS cheating? If not, then what should it be called?.

[Ivory0921]

If it bothers you this much, know that you won't soon forget it. You need to deal with this emotion however you feel that you should. Communication is key here.

What's considered cheating and what's not doesn't mean jack, it's still going to hurt you to hear it regardless. In Office Space, when Peter thought the waitress (Jennifer Aniston) slept with Lumberg, although they didn't even know each other then, to him, it was still cheating. Things would've been okay had he never asked.

You can't forget that you did fight tooth-and-nail to get your boyfriend to admit this, this is also something to think about.

Thanks.. I'm glad someone finally acknowledged that regardless of whether it WAS cheating, that YES, it still does hurt to hear it (in my case, it hurts alot).

I think I kind of get what your trying to say in terms of cheating.

I guess another question I have here is, doesn't anybody out there consider this "cheating" in a sense that since it makes me feel this bad, and AS IF he DID cheat on me, then MAYBE it IS cheating? If not, then what should it be called?.

[Wondergirl]

Thanks.. I;m glad someone finally acknowledged that regardless of whetheror not it WAS cheating, that YES, it still does hurt to hear it (in my case, it hurts alot).

Then don't ask next time. Like I said before, it was none of your business.

I guess another question I have here is, doesn't anybody out there consider this "cheating" in a sense that since it makes me feel this bad, and AS IF he DID cheat on me, then MAYBE it IS cheating? If not, then what should it be called?.

It's called dating around. You were only a date back then.

You have decided to make it a reason to feel bad. It had nothing to do with you.

[Jake2008]

It is a good idea to get this insecurity, suspicion, and over-reaction to something that had nothing to do with you, under control.

He has done nothing wrong.

It's a good idea to really work on trusting him. You need to have confidence in him. If you don't have the ability or desire to trust someone you love, you will set yourself up for heartache.

Next will be, why was he 45 min late getting home from work. Or, why does he look at girls, or why does he spend more time with co-workers than he does with me, and then everything turns into how what he does, affects your security level.

He shouldn't be in the position of having to run after you with a firehose putting out the flames of your jealousy and insecurities.

If you don't get a grip on this, you'll either push him away, and the relationship will end, or you will be miserable second guessing everything he says and does.

[Ivory0921]

Thanks. I get it... :)

[Ivory0921]

Thanks for the GREAT advice on telling me how to MOVE forward on our relationship and improve it.

[talaniman]

By Ivory, Jul 21, 2008
I am a 22 years old, a bit of a brat,

By Ivory, July, 2009
My BF slept w/ another girl while we were just DATING, is this CHEATING?

Still a bit of a brat huh? Let it go, he didn't cheat, so don't make drama over NOTHING!

[Ivory0921]

But I feel like Sh*t talaniman!. Why? Huhuhu

[Gemini54]

You feel like $hit because you're focusing on it. Let's face it, the more you smell the $hit, the $hittier it will smell.

I guess another question I have here is, doesn't anybody out there consider this "cheating" in a sense that since it makes me feel this bad, and AS IF he DID cheat on me, then MAYBE it IS cheating? If not, then what should it be called?.

Something deep in you feels betrayed because there is an insecurity or doubt within you. What it's called is 'projection'. You're projecting your feelings onto him. He didn't create your feelings, you did and now you're putting them back on to him.

Relationships are full of challenges and the best test of a good relationship is going through a difficult time or crisis. This guy seems to care about you. Prove yourself worthy of his honesty and love by telling him that you temporarily lost your reason, we all do at times, and that you won't talk about it with him anymore. Keep your word.

I then sincerely urge you to give some thought to what is triggering your insecurity, as this is your issue not his. Sorry to sound like a broken record. Do you have a friend that you can talk to about this? Ask them what they think about your reaction.

Stop focusing on how terrible you're feeling. Focus on the source of it. If you can understand where it's coming from then you can deal with it.

[Ivory0921]

THANK YOU!

[taoplr]

...

I guess another question I have here is, doesn't anybody out there consider this "cheating" in a sense that since it makes me feel this bad, and AS IF he DID cheat on me, then MAYBE it IS cheating? If not, then what should it be called?...

Here's a chance for you to move ahead where it counts: in your understanding of what happened in you, which you can be sure has happened before and will happen again. This can save you endless heartache. You will move past it (I'm going to describe it next) when you see it, own it as yours, refrain from judging yourself for doing it, or if you judge yourself then forgive yourself, and teach yourself to be mindful of this pattern in you as much as possible. That way, you can grow past it.

The pattern is highlighted in red above. Since you feel as bad as you would if he had cheated on you, "MAYBE it IS cheating." This is a painful mistake. You are making your feelings into a reality that is external to you. You are arguing for it to be so: "If not, then what should it be called?" It sounds like you are ready to fight for that interpretation. If you see that this is a mistake, you don't have to repeat it.

Your feelings, as is true for everybody else, tell what a situation means to you. They don't tell what is going on outside of you. They only have to do with your internal experience. It's an easy mistake to make, but don't confuse your internal reality with the reality of the world.

You have understood the feedback. Let this thing go. Let the pressure off and take some time to observe yourself. There is a part of you running false logic to get your motor running. You can observe it and learn to derail it. You will be so happy when you have done this.

I don't know if you will agree with me, but if you do and don't know how to do what I suggest, just ask. If you object, I understand. Tell me.

Tao

[talaniman]

But I feel like Sh*t talaniman!. Why? Huhuhu

Because it burst your bubble, and that was a blow to your very fragile ego. Remember how you felt when you met the guy,

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...er-251797.html

Hi guys! I've been going out with this wonderful, amazing guy for about three weeks now. He seems pretty decent and just last weekend he told me that he was starting to have real "feelings" for me. He has introduced me to his very close circle of friends, his 2 younger sisters and his dad. :p We don't get to see each other during the weekdays because of work and our schedules so we usually spend Saturdays & Sundays together. Although it's a bit awkward, we're not in that stage of our relationship yet where in we can be 100% honest and open about stuff. (Duh, I've only been seeing him for 3 weeks). We're still in that getting to know you stage..........Also, its very weird but since we are kind of already in a relationship.. How do I "request" for us to both change our profile status on MySpace to "In A Relationship" rather than "Single"? Any suggestions???

That was August of last year when you were falling for the guy, and wanted a relationship status with him, and he was just starting to have feelings for you. You were way ahead of your feelings, and thought he was out there to. This cheating episode blows the lid off that fantasy from then because it shows you he wasn't as into you as you thought at the time, and that is what's hurting. Your bruised ego is what making you feel lit shat, but by your own admission, you were just getting to know each other.

Another thing is your previous boyfriend was living with his babies mama but you didn't care about that, and went with him for more than a year until he broke it off, why??
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ce-240002.html

I am a 22 years old, a bit of a brat, and have been in a 1 year and 4 month relationship with my boyfriend. You see, he was actually my trainer here from work. At the time we had first met he was living at home with his mom, his kid, and the girl he got pregnant. I on the other hand was single and was some what loving it... He said he wanted some space since he felt very suffocated from seeing and being with me 24/7. I would not allow it and told him that I love being around him and living with him -- so on...
I should probably let you know that just 3 months ago I caught him texting another girl, although they had never met in person yet, I consider this as cheating. As of right now I am officially lost & confused

So are we seeing a pattern? Just to point out, you jumped from him to the current guy in a matter of months, from so in love to so in love, but it was always about your own insecurities, your need for full attention, and the fact that your still carrying baggage from your last relationship, and my bratty friend, you must recognize how dramatic you are when confronted with anything that changes what you want when you want it.

That's why you need to let this go, or you will drive this guy away, because you can be quite needy, and seem to fall really fast and maybe just maybe, some alone time away from the guys would really do you good.

So you going to dump this guy, or run him away because, you can't cope with your own feelings in a better way???? Completely up to you.

[ajGambino]

It hurts now because it is still fresh.

It will fade in time.


In the MEANTIME, talk about your feelings with him, communication is what will save something that seems to be falling apart.
Don't let it get to you, it will make or break your relationship.

[Ivory0921]

I'll be happy to say that I have taken the advice of people on here which struck me the most.
In short, I decided to let it all go, and I feel great - thanks to you guys. :)

I've also decided to move forward, and already, I see the results.
I can actually see, that through my boyfriend's actions & gestures, that he does feel bad for what had happened 11 months ago, but I don't expect any big apologies, since there is nothing he should be sorry for. Although I know he doesn't have to, just knowing that at least he knows that it DID make an impact on me IS ENOUGH. I can also tell that he's thankful that we're getting through this together.

It was so much easier to overcome this without the emotions and all the drama. I'm glad I was able to somewhat get over my overwhelming feelings so that I could enjoy and be happy with what I have right in front of me - which is a great, loving & faithful man.

I will though, try my very best to keep in mind all the stuff you guys said about what I should change within. I know things can get a bit overwhelming for me and I get all hysterical and think it's the end of the world sometimes, but I'm working on it. I know I can't just change everything overnight and I'm sure all of you out there know that some things ARE easier said than done - but I can promise to take all of your advice into stride, so that I CAN improve myself, how I deal with problems, and in effect improve my relationships.

With all of that being said, I would like to say -- Thanks everyone!

[Ivory0921]

Thanks!

[s_cianci]

He "lied to your face" because you put him in a "damned if I do and damned if I don't" position. You know, kind of like asking someone "Have you stopped beating your wife?" No answer that he could have given would have been "right" to you. If he says "no" you refuse to believe him and if he says "yes" then you become all despondent and feel hurt and betrayed. Common sense dictates that you don't ask a question that you don't want answered. OK, so he "cheated" on you before you were "officially" a couple. Did he do anything wrong? In the strictest sense, no he didn't. But I do believe that it was unwise of him to have sex with this other girl while he was presumably in the process of building a relationship with you. And I won't lecture you about the pitfalls of "doing it" on the first date because I'm sure you've received enough of that already. And, what goes around comes around. For all you know he may have been seeing someone else when he first slept with you, but not "officially" a couple with her. Now, all said, I'm not sure you're really ready for a relationship with anyone until you work on your communication skills.

[Romefalls19]

Some of the best advice I ever received when dealing with this type of insecurity was from my therapist. I told her all about my worries, about how my current lady had been married before, had two kids before and that sometimes the thought would eat me alive. She very sternly looked at me and said, one's past has led them to their future, their future is beside you. So when you start to think about all of this, simply take a deep breath and say "Thank you" and let all that hot air out.

It doesn't sound like it would work, believe me. I walked out of there thinking "that's bullsh*t, no way could something that has been eating me up inside for the past month could be so easily solved." Well I was wrong, it felt great and even brought a smile to my face. To know that all of my past failings have put me with someone I fell in love with felt great. Then to know, that she went through a bad past, and pulled out and is now beside me felt better.

[taoplr]

I feel great

It is a pleasure to read your words. Stay on the mindfulness and you will live a different life.

You might enjoy some reading. I recommend both of these authors:

Amazon.com: you just don't understand by deborah tannen: Books

Amazon.com: I Need Your Love - Is That True?: How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead: Byron Katie, Michael Katz: Books

Have fun!

Tao

To find a person who will love you for no reason, and to shower that person with reasons, that is the ultimate happiness. -Robert Brault (1938- )

[oliver1]

I have been in a similar situation, with my boyfriend in a "friends with benefits" situation at the beginning of dating me however he mentioned her in the context of wanting to stay friends with this person in a group and go to movie nights after a few weeks of dating. I mentioned that I preferred him to have friends that weren't interested in him (I didn't know they were sleeping together) so he was still seeing her without my knowledge in a social environment and chatting on the internet a few weeks after we slept together and decided to be exclusive. A lot of people have said he wasn't cheating because you weren't exclusive, but what if he had kept seeing her "as friends" even for a couple of weeks? Would you trust that they didn't sleep together?

HE WAS CHEATING ON YOU