[Askingquestion]

I've been thinking about it a lot, and for probably the last three years I've been feeling like I was only staying in the relationship because it was comfortable and there were no real issues. But I think I've finally decided that I need to be happy, not just content. I think I want to break up with her... but I really still care deeply for her and she's a great person, and I'm not even sure I'll be able to go through with it because I don't want to hurt her.
We're also both about to graduate from college, and I feel really guilty just sort of unleashing her on her own, especially since she wants to go to grad school for something that doesn't pay well.
I'm like... 60% sure that breaking up with her is the right thing for me to do, but I don't know how to do it. I don't want to feel guilty about it for the rest of my life, which I think I would. She already talks about marriage and kids like it's a given, so she obviously doesn't see it coming. Ugh... I'm really confused, and I don't have any idea how to go about this. And I really wish there was a way to do it where we could still be friends, because we're great friends, but everything beyond friendship type stuff in our relationship isn't really successful or passionate.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thanks!

[vanheart]

Tell her asap if that's how you feel.

Not sure what exactly your reasons are. (there always are.) Not that it matters much.

60% isn't a good ratio. Wouldn't want my girlfriend to be at that number & hiding it.

Maybe this is just a college romance.

I got dumped by my college sweetheart. I thought we would be together forever.

Oh, well...

What year was that?

[jakester]

Asking - just curious but what does her going to grad school for something that doesn't pay well have to do with anything? I just thought that was kind of random so I'm wondering if her career choice is disappointing to you.

Secondly, I'm wondering why you haven't disclosed any of your reasons for wanting to end the relationship. Would talking to her about your reasons for wanting to end the relationship bring any more growth to it? It just seems like if you haven't been honest with her about your feelings as time has gone on, it will absolutely be a shock to her.

I understand your desire to not feel guilt in all of this but you have to be realistic... you cannot have your cake and eat it, too. You have not been forthcoming with her and have kept your true feelings hidden so experiencing guilt is quite normal and actually healthy for you. You have to learn to start treating your significant other with respect and honesty and now is the time to start doing that.

[vanheart]

Agree. Very honest.

[vanheart]

"I've been thinking about it a lot, and for probably the last three years I've been feeling like I was only staying in the relationship because it was comfortable"

You felt that way for that long & didn't communicate it to your girlfriend?

Maybe you aren't ready for a relationship. Tell her.

[Askingquestion]

I just mentioned her going to grad school for something that doesn't pay well because I'll be worried that she'll spend her whole life paying off her loans. If she doesn't find someone else who could help her like I was planning to. But personally that didn't factor in to why I want to break up. There weren't any huge reasons, which is why it's been four years now. I've kind of been waiting for something big to make it easier but it never happened.

We have sex (once a week if I'm lucky). I'm usually the one who has to initiate it or bring it up, which I talked to her about. And she tried to bring it up last time we were together and after 30 minutes of foreplay, she still wasn't wet apparently, which is a problem we run into a lot (she's not on birth control, we just use condoms). When we do manage to successfully have sex, which is about half the time, it's not usually very passionate, and just feels kind of impersonal. I also haven't had the desire to kiss her and other things like that for two or three years, even though I still think she's really pretty.

Physical stuff aside, I don't feel like we can relate on a mental level as well anymore either. I've been getting involved in writing and literature, and she's studying sociology. And I've always loved science. But whenever I try to talk to her about writing, science, or most of the things that I personally find interesting, I can tell she isn't able to relate/enjoy the conversation. So we get along, but I'm not blown away, nor do I feel passionate about the relationship anymore. And I've been trying to lie to myself for so long now because I wanted to avoid hurting her. But I think there comes a point where I have to put myself first, and realize that lying to myself and her isn't the right thing to do either.

I also would be extremely happy if she started falling for another guy, even if it was while she was with me. I'd be a little hurt, but this is one of those relationships where I'd like to see her move on really soon and find someone who can give her the passion that I can't anymore. It's kind of mentally exhausting for me as it is now to say "I love you", because I don't feel like I even know what that means. And I never just burn to tell her how beautiful she is, or go on about all the things I love about her. And I feel like if I really loved her, I would hardly be able to stop myself from just complimenting her all the time and wanting to do special things for her.

Oh another thing to mention is before me she only dated one guy, who she just dated for a month and they only pecked each other on the lips once. So I feel like she might be so much happier with someone else and she doesn't even realize it. It's all really hard for me, because even after saying all this I still can't picture myself going through with it. But I'm going to try to find a way to have a sit down with her and maybe try to hear how she feels before I explain what I'm feeling. I'm hoping maybe she has had some bottled up feelings that are similar and we can come to some sort of mutual agreement. That would be much easier on both of us than if it was a one-sided thing.

Thanks for the responses so far

[vanheart]

"I also would be extremely happy if she started falling for another guy"

Like I said, doesn't sound like you are ready for a relationship.

At least with her.

What it sounds like to me is exactly what you said. You don't like her, just like the comfort & are too scared to confront her about it.

Better talk sooner than later. You shouldn't hurt her anymore than you are.

"this is one of those relationships where I'd like to see her move on really soon and find someone who can give her the passion that I can't anymore"

Why? So you can skate without REALLY telling her how you feel? Like you just told us?

What are you waiting for? Christmas? Don't be that wuss. Grow some nuts.

Let her find someone better.

[jakester]

But I think there comes a point where I have to put myself first, and realize that lying to myself and her isn't the right thing to do either.

Fair enough, Asking, you gave your reasons for why you want to move on.

Two things. First, I'd like to challenge your above statement. I have learned in relationships that being honest in a relationship isn't really about you or me putting yourself or myself first... it's about putting the other person first. You put yourself first for too long in not being honest with your girlfriend because you didn't want to feel guilty; so even in trying not to hurt her feelings, you were trying to avoid your own feelings of guilt so you weren't putting her first.

Second, I can guarantee you that she has already internalized doubt about the substance of your relationship. When true intimacy is difficult to achieve such as you described, it is most often the result of how both people feel the relationship is going. She may not have had the courage to say anything but neither have you and only you know what her psychology has been for staying in the relationship.

Lastly, my friend, I am not beating you up even though my words may seem strong. Trust me, if you were my friend, we would be sitting down over a beer having this same discussion. I just want to help you see things that I see in your own description of your situation. I have made mistakes in relationships so I know.

All the best.

[Askingquestion]

Haha yeah, I know I am being a wuss about it. But when someone has been such a major part of your life for four years, it's hard to find a convenient time to break their heart.

[Askingquestion]

I appreciate the advice, and it doesn't seem strong, just honest.