[sosickndtired]

True. From everyone who answered my questions above & i thank you, last night was it for me and i tld him either we go to counsling or i'm out, he tried manipulating me again and i figured him out he reminds me of my mother and that's why they don't get along, he told me i lied to him and i didn't he told me i was hanging round my moms shop tlking to lil boys, i didn't, i remember having to walk away from male clients... for fear he wld find out and arugument wld be waiting, he tld me "15 YEARS AGO YOU JUST WERE NOT HAPPY WITH ME WORKING AND SUPPORTING YOU SO YOU WENT TO WORK FOR YOUR MOTHER" "WHY DID YOU DO THAT I DIDNT WANT YOU TO EVER MEET ALL THE GUYS I WORK WITH" all in all he wanted me to stay in a hole he never introduced me to anyone and when i finally got out of my house and wrked for my mom, he said i was cheating, which now he says he never said that, hes a mentally disturbed person, i tld him this and if nothing gets done, as i tried, i'm leaving. Oh and i was never allowed at his work tho, and i tld him this last night and he goes around the statements and questions i ask him, and i tld him it's ok for u to interegate me but when i ask you a question its" SEE THIS IS HOW YOU GET OUT OF IT ALL THE TIME BY TURNING IT AROUND ON ME"? Idk no more i'm exhausted, i tld him this and he said you're a liar and you stopped caring 8 months ago about me, so i guess hes not to stupid ciz hes right on the money, he also said if we go to thearpy your going to see how im rite and your wrong, and i tld him lets go than and let the dr decide...

[redhed35]

Then go to the marriage councillor,put your on cards on the table and get this argument sorted.

If he won't go,you go on your own.

Both of you are so unhappy that for health reasons you should at least give it a try on your own.

If he won't listen,you need new communication skills to get across to him your feelings,and understand where his insecurities are coming from.

He is not going to stop this cycle,so you do it.

Start being proactive,stop dancing around the issues and get down to brass tacks.

I can't say if this is going to work out OK,but with councilling you will be better equipped to deal with him,its not the ideal marriage situation,but if your not going to leave,nor him,get some coping tools in place.

[sosickndtired]

I don't ecuse him of cheating, what I say to him is if your accussing me of cheating than m8yb you did? And he turns it arounds on me... and says I turn it around on him, I'm a good mother,good wife,good friend,and good daughter and were has it gotten me, I tld him this past weekend if we both don't get help than our marriage is going to end.

[LJDK]

Its strange. A few months ago I was convinced my fiancé is cheating on me. I was also convinced her mother helped her cover this up. Eventually without accusing my fiancé or ever mentioning my suspiciouns to her I got over it.

But I did figure out why I had these thought.
She was distant a lot.
Very moody.
Criticized almost everything I did.
Had a lot to talk about with others but with me she had nothing to say.

We eventually discussed what bothered me, except the cheating part, and since then I have not had these silly thoughts.

Could it be that you showed some of those signs?
Do you constantly moan about the dishes, or how he should have done something and not the way he did it?

Were you distant and always taking him for granted when his fantasies started?

Think about it. You don't have to answer. I just feel there are always 2 sides to a story and we only get to hear your side of it.
Oh yes. And one more thing.

It sounds like resentment has set it pretty deep. I don't blame you. But in most cases the problem is 50 50, and not 100 - 0

[positiveparent]

Hi to the OP,
I have read through the posts in this thread and I see in most of your replies that you and your SO are and have been arguing and throwing accusations at one another for some time, several years in fact.

I would possibly agree your partner is somewhat controlling however I don't think he's a control freak. ( there's a difference a huge one too)

If either one of you had played away from home Im sure there would be something to support those claims in more detail by now.

Maybe he has at some point in the past cheated, I doubt though he is ever going to admit it, and yes many people do show their own guilt by making accusations of same towards their partners.

You seem to have reached a stage of tit for tat, and both are digging your heels in, and unless you both put your pride on hold and consider what you have together then this relationships is on a one way course to disaster and no doubt divorce.

You say you've told him you're going to leave him, he possibly thinks to himself, " she wont she just says that", so how about you carry through with that threat, it could just be the wake up call he needs, or it could mean you get divorced.

You do though need to carry through with any threats like this, or you are merely wasting breath in saying them, the time for mere threats and talking about them has gone, you now have to take action.

Forget the house or who owns it or whose names are on the rent book, or mortgage papers/deeds etc. you can sort that side of it all out later.

If he is adamant he won't seek counselling together then go on your own, and one of the first things you'll be advised to do is, stop focusing on what he's said or done or your feeling you need to justify yourself to him.

You'll also be advised to go back to the time before you married, and remember what it was about him that you fell in love with, and why you feel that isn't there anymore, or if it is. You've obviously got a serious case of communications breakdown here, can you remember when it all started, and what do you personally feel was the reason for things going wrong, apart from the accusations of infidelity that is.

You could also try a softer approach, as in putting these adultery claims to one side, and being nice to him, you've obviously forgotten how to show each other affection, and unless one of you chooses to go past that and start showing the other some affection again, then it won't re appear, if you want this marriage saved though you are going to be advised to do this by a counsellor, so you could maybe make a start on this now.

Also there is another thing you could do, that being don't bite, ignore him when he accuses you of being unfaithful, he knows it gets a reaction out of you, and so he will use it to get at you, but if you refuse to bite, and keep doing this time after time, he will realise it no longer works, and eventually give it up.

You could give these suggestions a thought and maybe put some or part of them to work,
This all being down to whether you want to save your marriage or not. If you don't want to save it, then your best option is to carry out your threat and leave him.

One of you though needs to give sos to speak, being determined to score a point or prove your point isn't going to get either of you anywhere, so you decide are you the more mature of the 2 and can let it go, and ignore the accusations, or are you going to do battle until the bitter end, you know you've been a faithful wife, Im sure he does too.

Is it really worth all the hurt and pain you feel continuing as you are or not, its up to you, only you can change this by changing your attitude and approach to it. Be the adult here and consider the suggestions in this post and those of others here.

This marriage has far too much negative in it, give it some positive and it could grow from there..

Follow the link here for a step by step self help exercise that will show you how to handle confrontations in a more positive way.

Relationship-Help: Handle-Confrontation

This link will help you eliminate revenge or thoughts of.

eliminate revenge

[Jake2008]

If you are on the brink of this 'never ending battle' as you put it, of leaving him, you have missed some opportunities during the past five years that it has been going on, to address any and all issues related to the 'topic'.

Surely it must have bothered you 4 years ago, 1 year ago, 3 years ago. Why have you not insisted on marriage counselling. Did you think that his behaviour was going to change?

This is not about him thinking you cheated. This is about him being insecure, and not having the insight or desire to figure out why. He has to put some reason to why he feels the way he does, so he picks the cheating accusation. It's sure worked for a long, long time.

Counselling is not a place where you go to have a referee solve an argument. It is a place to find out not only why he feels so insecure, but why you have allowed this negative, toxic situation to continue year after year after year.

And still, your question implies that there is a simple answer to stop him from this false accusation.

If you are serious about addressing the issues, and saving your marriage, counselling is the only way to go to break down the behaviour and get to the real issues.

It has nothing to do with convincing him you are right, and he is wrong. You are both playing with a topic that is not worthy of consideration in the first place; time to put the issue aside, and figure out how to address the real problems.

[JoeCanada76]

Mediation is very important in marriage counseling. The thing is I do not believe that anybody is just clearly right or wrong. Also the counselor is not there to referee or decide who is right or wrong. The counselor is there to provide an oppurtunity of learning how to actually listen to each other without accusations. Learn new skills of communications and the work is between you and your husband. It is things that you both need to do to improve on the communication and hopefully work on your issues together with somebody there to keep things on the level.

[sosickndtired]

I totally agree with you, amd did just that I tried the whole being nice very nice approach, he actually went out with me yesterday and said " theres that smile and grin i havent seen in years you like like a school girl and i finally made you blush"

[sosickndtired]

I only became didtant when I realised recently that I didn't have to put up with his bs,moody? No, he is which in return makes me,not criticizing I'm very supportive of him,I don't have many people to talk to although my son works with him and tells me he's a

[positiveparent]

sosickndtired : I totally agree with you, amd did just that I tried the whole being nice very nice approach, he actually went out with me yesterday and said " theres that smile and grin i havent seen in years you like like a school girl and i finally made you blush"

That's brilliant it seems you've made a break through and its working, Im so happy for you, and I hope yesterdays going out with him is the start of you and he rebuilding your relationship, and may you both live happily ever after.

You did good and if you can keep it up Im sure this will all be behind you in no time. Great news Well Done...

[LJDK]

Awesome news. Glad he made you blush. Just keep working at it.
I think many couples go downhill because they forgot that their relationship actually required active effort regardless of how many years they are together.

Just saying, not implying this was the cause in your situation.