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angelp · Nov 18, 2007, 04:35 AM

Hi, really hope you can help me.
I knew this guy when I was in college (just as an acquaintance). He moved to another country for work. We got in touch online and hve chatted a lot of times. I really started to like him, I mean really really like him but I thot I'd tell him when he came down, rather than online. Unfortunately though, before that could happen he met someone else online and fell in love with her, so much that he plans to marry her. Well, that really hurt and I was so disappointed. But I understand it's his decision, and I blew my chance.
When he had told me about her, I stopped chatting too often. But lately he's been having a lot of problems with her, especially because of the distance (she's in this country). I've been chatting much more lately, helping him resolve his probs, just being there for him as a friend, because he is really hooked on to this girl and all the fights make him miserable.
Ok, so honestly in my heart I'm really hoping he breaks up with her, but I know I'm just kidding myself if I expect that.
So my question is, do I completely cut myself off from him and get on with my life, because its just so painful to hear how much he loves her and can't live without her. Doing this will spare me the heartache. But on the other hand do I not be selfish, and be a good friend to him by hearing him out and being his support. He tells me that I'm the only one who understands him and my being there means a lot to him. I don't know what to do, I really like this guy. On the one hand I want him to be happy and want to be at least a good friend but on the other hand it hurts to see him with someone else and the only way for me to get over him is to break all contact.
Appreciate any help on this

stonewilder · Nov 18, 2007, 05:28 AM

Honestly I only read your heading and that was enough. If he loves someone else then move on to someone who will love you.

Matteus · Nov 18, 2007, 05:30 AM

Your fault. You became the "good friend", and now, nothing can happen, but enjoy the status. I would say, you may try to stay away from him, for some time, to see his reactions, or you may just disappear completely, if you can't deal with your status and control your emotions toward him. If you stay there, that "like" from your part, will transform to something else, more deeper, and you have to live the conseguences.

Homegirl 50 · Nov 18, 2007, 09:45 AM

You have to do what is best for you. If you feel you can't deal being the shoulder to cry on with this guy, break the contact. Who knows, he may be great on-line and be totally different in reality. You could be in love with the idea of him.

s_cianci · Nov 18, 2007, 09:52 AM

If talking and communicating with him bothers you that much then I'd stop. It's not fair of him to put that much burden on your shoulders. Besides, any problems he's having with his intended he should be discussing with her, not you. It's not your place to fix his problems, especially at the expense of your own happiness.

Sad Soul · Nov 18, 2007, 12:08 PM

Originally Posted by s_cianci

If talking and communicating with him bothers you that much then I'd stop. It's not fair of him to put that much burden on your shoulders. Besides, any problems he's having with his intended he should be discussing with her, not you. It's not your place to fix his problems, especially at the expense of your own happiness.

I wish I could give you another greenie for this one. You're totally right. This man should be discussing all his problems with his girlfriend!

Also, he's not falling in love with you for being his crutch. Try something new and cut communication. Get a life by taking care of your own feelings, instead of his.

His reaction will tell you whether he loves you or not.

angelp · Nov 19, 2007, 12:32 AM

Makes so much sense

angelp · Nov 19, 2007, 12:32 AM

Hey thanks! U guys make a lot of sense. I'm getting nowhere doing this.
Am going to break contact and concentrate on my own life. Thanks!

Sad Soul · Nov 19, 2007, 06:53 PM

Sad Soul agrees: ! :) GOOD! And we'll support you all the way! Show him that you're worth so much more than this type of situation!

I wrote something that didn't really make sense when I rated your response. I thought this was the post of the girl being in a relationship with a cheater. Oh well, I would have given you a greenie anyway for deciding to concentrate on your own life.

angelp · Dec 4, 2007, 02:51 AM

Hey me again,
I stopped all contact with him. Now he's been mailing and asking me what's wrong and why won't I speak to him. He's even called several times, I didn't answer.
What shuld I do, should I make some excuse of being busy and not having the time or should I just ignore completely??
What shuld I say to him??

jake99 · Dec 4, 2007, 03:59 AM

Oh this is a tough situation, I think you got three options:

Lie to him: tell him your busy, this won't stop him trying to contact you though, really gives an excuse of why you haven't been contacting him for a while and lies ead to more lies and it just becomes one huge big mess of lies.

Ignore him: carry on not contacting him, but this is the worst option cause if he feels like you're a good friend and you start ignoring him then you know it might hurt him.

Tell the truth: tell him about liking him and that the situations to awkward, so you think its best not to stay in anymore. This is the hardest option expressing how you feel but, honesty is the best policy and I think it would have the best result, he'll have a reason for you not staying in contact and won't keep trying to contact you.. hopefully. : )