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LostnConfused1 · Oct 4, 2010, 07:07 PM

I was introduced to a guy through a friend while out at my college's local bar. We didn't talk much, but he added me on Facebook the next day. We talked for about a week on there, and then I invited him over one night. He spent the night, and things got physical quickly. It stayed that way for a few days, and then classes started the following week. He came over a couple times that week, and we texted a lot. The following weekend I took him out on a date. A few days after that I asked him if he'd like to go out with me. I explained to him why I wanted to date; I liked everything I knew about him, but there was still a lot I didn't know. Since things had gotten physical I wanted an agreement that we'd both stay faithful while we discovered each other. He agreed and we stayed boyfriends for a little under 2 weeks. I could feel him pulling away; less texts, no returning the kisses. I confronted him, and told me he could tell me anything (in fact I told him this since the first week we met, because things were moving so fast... I'm a very open person.). He told me he could feel himself pulling away, and that he thought it would be best that we call it off and back up and get to know each other. I told him if that's what he felt he needed, than I'd agree to do it as long as he wanted to get to know me better - not because he doesn't see things working. He assured me he just wanted to get to know me. It's been rough since then. He doesn't text me unless I text him. He says he's busy with school and work, but I am too (I have the heavier course load). I don't want to be the annoying needy one so I try my best to refrain from texting him. I sent an invitation I made (it was cute) to him in the mail asking him out on a date. He should have gotten it by now, but he hasn't called or texted me. I just don't know if he needs space or what is even going on anymore. There is no communication and it drives me crazy. I don't want this to fall apart, but I'd rather know that he's not interested than sitting here in the dark. Do I leave this alone - wait for the text that might not ever come, or do I risk being the needy person and send the first text. There are so many ways this could go, I'm just sick of sitting here wondering what he's thinking.

beachloverjohn · Oct 4, 2010, 08:12 PM

All right, you need to face reality. And please don't take this the wrong way. But at the risk of sounding like a cynical SOB, I am going to tell you what I think from a man's view. He wanted to sleep with you. It was purely physical to him. He never intended to make you his girlfriend. He will not commit to you. He will sleep with other girls every chance he gets. You are only going to get hurt if you think he will change. He is not worth your caring, so don't waste any more time on this Casanova. You want something more than he wants, so keep looking. I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is..

CarrotTalker · Oct 4, 2010, 09:42 PM

Starting a physical relationship before even going on a date is almost always a recipe for disaster, or at least heartbreak.

He saw you as a quicky as long as you were putting out, then once he started to know you better and things got more serious, he backed away and is hoping you just go away.

Sounds like he's a coward if he wants to string you along like that.

talaniman · Oct 4, 2010, 09:43 PM

Sorry but he isn't that interested and you need to take the hint and leave him alone. You said yourself he was backing away very early on, now he has backed all the way away.

Stop hoping and waiting for something that ain't happening.

Jake2008 · Oct 5, 2010, 06:23 AM

When you say this, " He agreed and we stayed boyfriends for a little under 2 weeks", that meant that you refrained from sex during that time, in order to see if there was something more to continue the relationhip.

I would say that, there wasn't, and isn't.

When you start on a first date hitting the sack, it is very difficlt to present yourself as anything other than a quick score, because that's what you were at that time. The relationship wasn't even off the ground before the emotional connection of being intimate was made, by you. Not him.

That is a big presumption to make that a one nght stand, is the beginning of a relationship. The beginning of the relationship is the building part, getting to know someone, dating, learning about them, going out and doing things etc. After you have established the security of a committed relationship, then consider intimacy as a part. But, to put that first, and then wonder why there isn't more is backwards in my opinion.

If you had not had sex with him, and instead actually had a few dates, and he did what he's doing now- not contacting you and giving you the brush off- you would have realized that he was not the person for you, and wouldn't have invested yourself emotionally to this degree.

Next time, hold off on sex. See if you can't have a friendship first, and take things slow. You will have more success, and a lot less heartache.

answerme_tender · Oct 5, 2010, 06:48 AM

You have been the one pursuing the entire time. He never once even asked you out on a date. Now he wants time to get to know you. Come on, he can't get to know you unless you go out and have a conversation.
Stop waiting for the call that isn't going to happen, move on. Make sure if you do see him that you keep your dignity and act casual, but not interested at all. This may have been a hard lesson, but hopefully you have learned that if you want more the sex from someone, take time to get to know them first---good luck

LostnConfused1 · Oct 5, 2010, 12:27 PM

Here's the thing - we still hang out. Generally on weekends, because our schedules are so busy during the week. He was just over this past weekend, and we watched a movie with some friends... we held hands the entire time, and then cuddled after everyone went home. The follow night I was a drunken mess, and said a couple things to him about not communicating, I don't even remember the exact details. I told apologized the next morning, and suggested "I think distance might be the best thing for now". He responded that he agreed. 48ish hours later (last night) I decided to text him to see if he wanted to talk. He hasn't responded, and it's 3:30 the following day. Either he's not ready, or this was the perfect "mess up" on my part for him to use as a reason as to why we won't work. Either way, I hope he texts back and voices his feelings. I won't pretend it won't hurt if this ends with us going our separate ways, but at this point hearing him say it would be nice. In all reality, no relationship can work without effect, and I'd like to hear him say that he's the one giving up.

beachloverjohn · Oct 5, 2010, 12:51 PM

Where were all you women when I went to college? If I wanted a girl, I actually had to wine and dine her, sometimes beg. Boy was I born at the wrong time.

answerme_tender · Oct 5, 2010, 01:25 PM

I don't think he wants to dine the girls--unless I miss read

kctiger · Oct 5, 2010, 01:29 PM

Originally Posted by beachloverjohn

Where were all you women when I went to college? If I wanted a girl, I actually had to wine and dine her, sometimes beg. Boy was I born at the wrong time.

I think the OP is a male if I'm not mistaken.

I also think that once you give yourself up physically the first time you meet, it kind of leaves no where to go. If I can get a girl into bed the first night, to be honest, I don't really want to talk to her.

You have clearly developed feelings for this guy that aren't being returned on his part. Sometimes you just have to face the facts. This fish isn't biting, not anymore at least. While you may not hear him say he is giving up, I think you can see it through his actions. Stop putting forth so much effort to make this guy happy. You are pretty smitten for someone who really isn't looking for something serious. Accept it and move on.

answerme_tender · Oct 5, 2010, 01:32 PM

Why do you want to give him that much control over you. You are allowing him to use you when its convinent for him. Your at college, get out and enjoy yourself. Maybe this is what is on his mind, he doesn't want any serious relationship.

beachloverjohn · Oct 5, 2010, 01:35 PM

Originally Posted by kctiger

I think the OP is a male if I'm not mistaken.

I also think that once you give yourself up physically the first time you meet, it kind of leaves no where to go. If I can get a girl into bed the first night, to be honest, I don't really want to talk to her.

You have clearly developed feelings for this guy that aren't being returned on his part. Sometimes you just have to face the facts. This fish isn't biting, not anymore at least. While you may not hear him say he is giving up, I think you can see it through his actions. Stop putting forth so much effort to make this guy happy.

What makes you say that? I mean if that's true, then what did I miss?

answerme_tender · Oct 5, 2010, 01:39 PM

This was in the original post:

He agreed and we stayed boyfriends for a little under 2 weeks. I could feel him pulling away; less texts, no returning the kisses.

beachloverjohn · Oct 5, 2010, 01:44 PM

Well, I was fooled. But you know what, she may be a he, but nobodys perfect

Homegirl 50 · Oct 5, 2010, 01:50 PM

You gave it up, that was probably all he wanted and now you are whining and desperate. Stop, it's not attractive.
I don't think this guy is interested in anything but occasional sex. If all you want to be is a booty call, go for it. Otherwise, get a life apart from him.
He just not that in to you.

LostnConfused1 · Oct 5, 2010, 02:20 PM

Yes, I'm a male. I do want a serious relationship, I don't know that he does. He was engaged to a guy for a year and a half 10 months before he met me, so I know he's capable of it. I don't think I'm letting him control me - he never asks to do anything (that's the whole problem), but when I do ask to do things he generally is up for it as long as he doesn't have other plans. I sent him an invitation I made last week Wed. in the mail asking him out on a date (it was super cute), and I haven't heard back. Not sure if he hasn't check his box, or if he's just ignoring me. I suck at this waiting game, I just want to know where he stands, so I can move on or sit still.

Or maybe the fact that I'm so unhappy right now is a sign that I should move on and that he's not right for me? If he honestly is just this busy with school it's understandable, but I guess maybe I'm the type of person that needs to hear from you at least once a day (a fricken text would satisfy me). If that's needy, then so be it, but that's me and I guess if he can't satisfy that then I need to move on.

I actually confronted him the first week after agreeing to slow down when we went for coffee. I told him that I felt like he wasn't trying - we talked more on the nights he slept over than we had that whole week. I was frank and my have come off as being upset. The thing is, after I told him all of that he responded with "It's going to be hard, but I want this, and I'll try my best to communicate.". It was good for a week after that, and now it's to **** again. I guess you can't ask someone to be something they're not. Didn't think I'd be the one to do it, but after thinking this over (I guess just typing it out helped ), I'm thinking I want to be the one to end it.

Homegirl 50 · Oct 5, 2010, 02:28 PM

I think that would be wise. You two are just not what each other needs. He is who he is and you need something different.
It's time to cut it loose.
In the future get to know a person before you give your heart and your body. Sex should not be used as part of the introduction. It's a whole separate thing. Don't put the cart before the horse.
I wish you well

answerme_tender · Oct 5, 2010, 02:36 PM

Not to be harsh here, but you are doing everything but come out and begging him for any sign of affection here. I agree move on, your just second guessing yourself now. You couldn't of done anymore to have him like you any better. Find someone who will appreciate you and WANT to spend time with you.

beachloverjohn · Oct 5, 2010, 02:37 PM

Yeah, well some men are just not worth crying over. I think you should be the one to end it, at least it show's you are no door mat. No one should have to throw themselves at another, unless they are ready to catch you. You are a giver, he is a taker. That kind of relationship has a very limited shelf life. And his expiration date is here. Time to discard him..

LostnConfused1 · Oct 5, 2010, 02:39 PM

And he has taken me on a date, and I've taken him on a date. I'm usually the one to make plans though. I don't agree with the begging for affection portion - I don't let him know that I think about him all day (I generally won't text more than once within 24 hours unless he responds). I just hate making these rules for myself to follow... I'm giving him until later tonight to get ahold of me, then I'm making my decision. Sigh.