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Silverfire5467 · Sep 25, 2010, 05:30 PM

Hi, I need advise on my current boyfriend who is not interested in a physical relationship. We have been dateing for about six months, and he has a very low sex drive. Because of his size he isn't confident, and tells me he isn't comfortable with my body yet. I am very thin and relatively good looking so its hard for me to understand him. The biggest problem is he doesn't push or even show interest in me physically. When we do fool around it always ends with him having an excuse to stop. He hasn't tried very hard to please me physically and its making me feel unattractive, and depressed.

I have explained all of this to him and he says he will try harder but things haven't improved very much. I have a high sex drive and I respect his wishes to wait on the sex, but its really bothering me that he doesn't even try anything elts. Im not pushing him too much on the subject but in my mind it's a serious problem. We are both 20 and see each other several times a week. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

DoulaLC · Sep 25, 2010, 05:47 PM

You'll have to decide whether this is a relationship you want to continue. Part of dating is finding out what you want and don't want in a partner. For you, being physical is part of that, even if it doesn't lead to sex. For him, it isn't. Neither is right or wrong, just different.
Little differences can be accepted and adjusted to... but if it is a bigger difference, when it is very important to one partner and not the other, then it may be a signal that it just isn't meant to be. You might care for each other very much, but if you don't see this going where you want it to, if you don't feel he will change to your satisfaction, what is the point of continuing?

Maybe talk to him again, perhaps consider counseling together if the relationship is that serious and you want to go to that extent, but if it doesn't change, and you continue to find yourself frustrated with the lack of intimacy, it may be time to move on so that you both can find someone who is better suited.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 25, 2010, 05:48 PM

You two are obviously not on the same page in that area. You have a high sex drive, he cares less about it and he's not comfortable with your body yet?
Why are you with him?

Silverfire5467 · Sep 25, 2010, 05:53 PM

Originally Posted by DoulaLC

You'll have to decide whether or not this is a relationship you want to continue. Part of dating is finding out what you want and don't want in a partner. For you, being physical is part of that, even if it doesn't lead to sex. For him, it isn't. Neither is right or wrong, just different.
Little differences can be accepted and adjusted to....but if it is a bigger difference, when it is very important to one partner and not the other, then it may be a signal that it just isn't meant to be. You might care for each other very much, but if you don't see this going where you want it to, if you don't feel he will change to your satisfaction, what is the point of continuing?

Maybe talk to him again, perhaps consider counseling together if the relationship is that serious and you want to go to that extent, but if it doesn't change, and you continue to find yourself frustrated with the lack of intimacy, it may be time to move on so that you both can find someone who is better suited.

I Think one of the issues is his past relationships were with very little physical intimacy. Im willing to try and work through this with him but I need a limit on time, a point that I will tell him, either we improve by this point, or I need to find someone who is willing to.

Wondergirl · Sep 25, 2010, 05:57 PM

Does he like to kiss, and, if so, is he a good kisser?

Homegirl 50 · Sep 25, 2010, 06:00 PM

You have been dating for six months and he is who he is. What reason do you have to believe he will change and if his sex drive is not a problem for him, why should he?

Silverfire5467 · Sep 25, 2010, 06:00 PM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Does he like to kiss, and, if so, is he a good kisser?

Kissing is a yes, he is very happy with that, its more him being uncomfortable with anything past making out. Hes gotten better with touching etc. but he hesitates on everything that comes close to real foreplay on my part.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 25, 2010, 06:02 PM

Is he happy with his sex drive? Is it a problem for him or just for you?

Enigma1999 · Sep 25, 2010, 06:03 PM

Hello Silver,

One thing that stuck out in your post, is him not feeling comfortable with your body. Why is that?

Silverfire5467 · Sep 25, 2010, 06:04 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

You have been dating for six months and he is who he is. What reason do you have to believe he will change and if his sex drive is not a problem for him, why should he?

Im unsure on his sex drive since his past relationships have been so lacking. I am only assuming it is low. If it is I will not try and change it but even a low sex drive should have some sex interest. So I am trying to figure out a solution or reason for this. There is a good posibility that he just needs more time before he is ready, but I want to hear other peoples ideas :)

Silverfire5467 · Sep 25, 2010, 06:06 PM

Originally Posted by Enigma1999

Hello Silver,

One thing that stuck out in your post, is him not feeling comfortable with your body. Why is that?

I think he is intimidated. Not to sound concited, but Im very attractive compaired to his past girlfriends, and he has told me that and also he constantly tells me that he doesn't understand why I chose to date him over all the other better guys out there. His self esteem is very low. I tell him all the time how amazing he is and that I love him etc.

DoulaLC · Sep 25, 2010, 06:07 PM

Since he hasn't been that intimate with anyone before, perhaps it is partly a matter of nerves and feeling awkward. Talking more about it, when you aren't in the middle of making out, and taking things slowly, helping him to become more comfortable might help. Let him know that you want him to enjoy himself and see if he will allow you to take the lead. Talk about what you would like. Just to where he is comfortable... it doesn't have to lead to sex if he is ready for that. Taking it in small steps.

Silverfire5467 · Sep 25, 2010, 06:11 PM

Originally Posted by DoulaLC

Since he hasn't been that intimate with anyone before, perhaps it is partly a matter of nerves and feeling ackward. Talking more about it, when you aren't in the middle of making out, and taking things slowly, helping him to become more comfortable might help. Let him know that you want him to enjoy himself and see if he will allow you to take the lead. Talk about what you would like. Just to where he is comfortable....it doesn't have to lead to sex if he is ready for that. Taking it in small steps.

Mmhmm that is what I'm trying, and its working relatively well, I am also looking for ways to help him be comfortable, perhaps I should back off on my part some more?

Homegirl 50 · Sep 25, 2010, 06:12 PM

Originally Posted by Silverfire5467

Im unsure on his sex drive since his past relationships have been so lacking. I am only assuming it is low. If it is I will not try and change it but even a low sex drive should have some sex interest. So I am trying to figure out a solution or reason for this. There is a good posibility that he just needs more time before he is ready, but I want to hear other peoples ideas :)

What does he think. How does he feel about his drive? You said he does not show interest and he doesn't really try. Does he want to eventually have sex with you? How old is he?

Silverfire5467 · Sep 25, 2010, 06:13 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

What does he think. How does he feel about his drive? You said he does not show interest and he doesn't really try. Does he want to eventually have sex with you? How old is he?

We are the same age, 20. And yes he says he wants sex but seems he wants more time to work on getting use to me.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 25, 2010, 06:14 PM

Originally Posted by Silverfire5467

mmhmm that is what im trying, and its working relatively well, I am also looking for ways to help him be comfortable, perhaps I should back off on my part some more?

Maybe back off the sexual thing and see how the relationship develops otherwise.

Silverfire5467 · Sep 25, 2010, 06:19 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

maybe back off the sexual thing and see how the relationship develops otherwise.

I think I will thanks :) I just needed some reassurance that there is still a chance that our relationship will develop and that there isn't some secret reason for his actions that I haven't thought of myself haha.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 25, 2010, 06:23 PM

Good luck

Enigma1999 · Sep 25, 2010, 06:30 PM

Hello Silver,

I understand now. I think you hit it on the head. He may think that you can do better and because he does have a low self esteem that also is creating tension.

I think that you just need to keep reasuring him that you are very much into him. Also I think Homegirl is correct. I would back off a little with the sexual thing and see how your relationship developes.

Good luck.