[Allie602]

I will tell a vexing thing about me in my relationship - I cannot seem to let of past resentments. The scenes and feeling come into mind again again sometimes when I lest expect it. At one time, I thought it was that my mother did the same thing but I have since read it may be a common characteristic of women in their relationships. When you mentioned your exasperation with your wife I wanted to share with a female perspective. I have read and observer and feel that it is a real problem in my relationship. Progress depends on letting go of the past and reliving it in living color does not help the process. I k ow that my SO feels that I am persecuting him and punishing him for past things that he did that hurt me when he feels that he has already resolved the issue and acknowledged my hurt. Although are doing better I still feel the need to bring them up less so now I try but I some I just need to express my feelings about my SO does not even remember. He hears me out and gives me his attention bless him and I keep it short and I do acknowledge that it is unfair but if he will bear with me he does although I know it bothers him but I don't feel the need to do it very much anymore. I do thank him for helping me, well us really.
I can imagine how difficult it is to listen over and over again but if she is like me she may actually be trying to get you to reassure her and tell her you understand her feeling. I need reassurance at intervals especially when there is some conflict but even when there is none. This may be a fale characteristic but I can't talk for everyone. I can imagine from were you are sitting it is very difficult but you may be able to work past this.
If you can ask the therapist for a way that you can tolerate her need to keep talking about these things, she has to acknowledge that at some point she can keep going over these things with there is a limit. Get it out, you reassure her that you understand her feeling (I think you have done that) but she is prob asking for reassure like asking do you still love me? It should be obvious but I can tell you as a women I know I need to hear it.
I hope there some eliment of what I said that will be useful. If I can tell you anything else that would help let me know.

I tolerate things that are bothering me in silence for a long time. I try to say just as it is happening but if I say it and I am ignored or told that it is a nonissue, I try to explain my side bit it seems to push him away even more. I feel as if what I feel is trivial and not worth bothering about. It makes resentful and angry I thing I transfer my anger into finding every little thing makes me angry so I complain about them as a surrogate the issue that my man felt was not an issue. Anyone can finds things to complain about so I have ample material. This was never conscious I am aware of it now because counciling and books. Because of my fault finding My SO felt he could do nothing right and he retreated to protect himself and I became more resentful and on and on.

The moral of this tale is that there were things I had to suppress talking about yrs and yrs ago because I knew I would not be heard. That led to other complaints until we retreated from each other. I eventually began to think that I would be happier away from him. He never realized how close I came to leaving we are doing better.

[talaniman]

I forgot to mention that we are both going to counseling on Mondays. It is helping, but at the moment we are going over old ground which is dragging up old stuff. That's not helping!

Maybe it doesn't help you, but I bet she feels good to be dumping some of those old feelings. I don't think its just a female thing, but Allie is so to the point as to how resentments that are not resolved can actually fester and grow, and lead to a variety of emotional explosions and reacts that will freak out both partners, and can be as hurtful as being hit in the head with a baseball bat. The longer they are buried, instead of resolved. I think the worse the upheaval is when the do resurface as old feelings are quite powerful.

Sometimes the solutions to our problems are not that popular, or didn't work that well, or have been ignored so long, that we just bury those feelings, and go with the flow, and think by just ignoring the problem, it will just cease to exist. Its like putting tape on a leaky pipe instead of fixing the pipe correctly. The rug gets wet again, and we have to deal with it again. That's frustrating because we thought/hoped that it was over with.

I find myself often putting band aid on wounds that require a tourniquet, and the problem isn't solved but only out of mind for the moment until the bleeding starts all over again.

Paying attention at these sessions will give you some valuable clues as to what your wife really thought of your solutions, and actions which you did for whatever reason, that may have solved the problem for you, but not for her. It always hurts to know we didn't fix things well enough for our partners, or give them what they needed at the time.

One thing that stops us from paying attention to our partners is, (hearing what they are really saying), its easy to take things so deeply personal, when we are confronted with the way they feel, we fail to focus on their feelings, and only see our reaction, if that makes sense, and we miss the whole picture of what they try to tell us the problem is, or the outcome they want from us. Its darn hard to listen closely when we are overwhelmed by there emotions or bewildered by their actions and reactions. It's a shame we get so carried away by our own feelings we lose touch with theirs sometimes, and miss the whole point of communicating in the process. UNDERSTANDING.

Listen to those resentments ( old, unresolved feelings) your wife is venting, think about them, learn what she is really saying, see them from her view, so you can understand what she is really saying, without the distraction of YOUR reactions to them. Sometimes its as simple as giving her the control to do it her way, and NOT yours.

Like asking you to pull up some pictures on the computer, that she is capable of doing herself.

[Allie602]

Wanted to add that I was able to fully and freely vent my feeling at first. I would sometimes bring up some concern when it popped into my head. But my need to vent died down rapidly because all I needed was validation that I was hurt.

If you will try to hear her out - her reason for reacting negatively may have off. Try not to listen to the content but to how she feelings. You may feel you want to defend yourself and you should have that, But let her go first then you go. All from my perspective.