[meaghan86]

I've been with my fiancé for approximately a year and six months, we've lived together essentially that entire time. We're both 24, and in our first live-in relationship.

I will first state first that he's a sweet, affectionate, hard-working man and I love him dearly. My mother and father love him as if he were their son, and I consider his mother one of my best friends.

Now here's where it gets sticky...

Last year, around April, I found out he was flirting with girls via online dating websites. He would get e-mails from various dating sites that he claimed he signed up for before we started dating. Fine with me, I wasn't a jealous person. I use his e-mail for Ebay, stuff like that, and one morning I just had "a feeling".
I clicked one of the dating site e-mails and it took me to his homepage. There, I found out he'd been e-mailing various girls once or twice a month since we started dating, asking to "chat" on msn, etc. It seems most of the girls didn't reply, and he was essentially messaging anyone, and everyone.
He's always been a "morning person" so on days off would go visit his dad/brother and use their computer to do this.

It was traumatic for me, I've never been cheated on, and to those of you reading this who have, I feel your pain and it's awful. He seemed to be the most trustworthy man I'd ever met (we were platonic friends since highschool).
We almost ended it there, but he convinced me that it was an "ego boost" of sorts and that he gets jealous that men ask me out (at work or school) whereas women don't approach him. I will admit I'm conventionally more attractive than he is, although I think he's very handsome. However, I also know I shouldn't suffer for his ego boost.
He also denied quite a bit at first, so I'm not sure if I even trust his explanation of this disaster.

I harbor a lot of resentment because of this and can't seem to shake it.

Lately, I feel like the anger's been building and I can't even bring it up with him anymore because he says I will never get over it. I feel like I'm taking it out on little things now. I've become a bitter, *****. Anything can set me off, but I know it's because of the betrayal. I don't even like going out together anymore because I'm always watching if he's looking at other women. I've never, ever been a jealous person. I know I still love him, I've never cheated, and I want to trust him, but I'm always afraid of stepping on another land mine.

If he comes home late, I assume he's at another computer on some dating site making himself feel like a "Big Man". I don't want to be this way, and I want to trust him. It stresses me out more than him, I'm sure.

I'm starting a full-time job soon, and I'm nervous about leaving the computer alone with him. He's not very tech savvy, so I told him I'd know if he was up to no good and he got angry at this. He asked if he'd have to pay for this forever, and I replied that it hadn't even been a year yet and he'll have to earn back my trust. This conversation went nowhere and we both went to bed angry.

I just don't want to be jealous and resentful, but I don't want to be a sucker again either.

Pleeeease help.

[vanheart]

Its not right, & cheating as far as Im concerned, but.

If he has changed his ways & dealing with why he was doing that in the first place. Being a better boyfriend, then its up to you to decide how to trust him again.
Counseling might help if you guys are willing & invested.

If he's just shoving it under the carpet & blowing it off, then you need to have a serious talk about what it takes to continue. Or part. You can't harbour anger & suspicion. Not good attribute of a healthy relationship.

I know once trust is broken, its hard to see things in the same light. Hes got to own up & make it right if he wants keep you.

Either he's invested or not. If he can't be a straight up honest boyfriend, then later skater. Don't wait too long to find out.

Plus, I would stop comparing each other's attractiveness, that just causes trouble. Its you and him together that matters.
Or you, for that matter.

[meaghan86]

Thank's for your advice! I would love to try counseling, but unfortunately there's not a lot of options where I live. I think I will try to have a discussion with him, on a good day so he doesn't shut down. I think he hasn't owned up to what he did, and that denial makes me think he'll just do it again. He certainly acts like he's invested, but it seemed perfect when he cheated too, so there's my issue. Maybe I'll trust him, but if I get screwed again, at least I'll be strong and walk away. Also, the attractive thing, is something I don't care about, I think he was using it as an excuse.

[vanheart]

No prob.

Thanks for being honest.

So make a date to discuss things. Let him know that you want him to be prepared & its not a fight or pressure.
For the good of your relationship.

Maybe a quiet neutral place.

Ive spent time in relationships that were lacking in communication. Cost me big time.

Its hard sometimes, and easy to brush off, but talking is key. All the time.
Find an emotionally level ground to do so. Without the notion of confrontation. Almost like a meeting, but the issue is you two

Agenda
Speaker 1
Speaker 2
Discussion
Next Steps (most important)

Sounds corporate, huh? Hehehe.

[Alty]

I think the main issue for you is that he seems to have swept this all under the rug as if it's no big deal. He wants you to just forget about it, and we gals don't work that way. ;)

I agree that you need to talk to him about this, let him know that you're hurt, you're resentful and tell him exactly what you told us, that you've lost trust, don't really enjoy being around him because you can't stop thinking about what he did.

He needs to own up to this and he needs to reassure you that this is not going to happen again. It may take time, but he did the crime so he does the time.

This relationship can be saved, but not if you keep all your feelings bottled up.

Good luck. :)

[talaniman]

His behavior was bad true enough, but since you didn't dump him then, you don't get to hold a grudge for a freakin' year, and expect him to pay until you feel better. Get your act in order, and stop living in fear of being hurt, and think twice before you act or speak.

If his actions now don't make you suspicious, don't be. If he isn't worth the risk of being hurt, leave and start over. You can't have a healthy relationship unless you at least try to be healthy. Have faith in yourself, and stop being afraid of what he may be doing without some strong evidence, and don't waste your time looking for it.

If you feel he isn't doing his best by you, tell him so. No more of letting these secret resentments from the past eat up your life. Face your fear and resolve it with some courage, not baseless accusations and cutting remarks from past unresolved issues.

[vanheart]

Ouucchh. Right on. "Have faith in yourself"

[Wondergirl]

Forgive me if I've misunderstood what you wrote, but it doesn't sound like he has actually, literally cheated. He has desperately tried to find someone to flirt with, but you said that, most of the time, the girls don't even answer him so he IMs with anyone and anyone, desperate to find someone to connect with. It sounds like you are the "better looking" of the two of you and guys tend to hit on you, which makes him envious of the attention you get.

I'm guessing his problem is mostly self esteem. He's so into himself (i.e. insecure) that he can't get beyond his own skin and understand what he is doing to you and his relationship with you.

If the above is true, where do we go from here?

[love4orchids]

I believe cheating is something you would not like your significant other to find out about.. I have had to deal with this as I am sure other woman have. I also believe there is hope for saving the relationship with a good talk. My step father once told me ( from him being cheated on, it would have never happened if I gave her what she wanted and needed) Iam not saying your not doing that, but what he told me boggled my mind and was in fact true. Maybe lighten the sparks up and surprise him with something, maybe old sparks need to be lightened.. relationships are hard in that sense because it person wants to feel that they are getting and fully receiving what they want and need.

[beachloverjohn]

I think it's time to let go of this resentment. So he went on dating sites to see if anyone out there in cyberland is interested in him. Apparently no body responds, so I wonder what he writes to them. I guess he felt he was in some sort of competition with you, who can get the most attention.

I think you should give the guy another chance, and both of you should put this issue behind you.

He's not your child, so stop treating him like one.

[answerme_tender]

Meaghan --if this is something you can't get past, then you need to move on. You are acting like judge, and obviously found him guilty. So now what. If you cannot find it in you to forgive and move forward, then dont--finish it, so you both can move on with your lives. Good luck on what you decide.

[beachloverjohn]

I absolutely agree with answerme, But I went back and read your comments, {which would be easier to follow if they were in a separate post} and it appears you have decided to stay in your relationship. Well that's good to hear, and I wish you all the best.

[beachloverjohn]

Dating websites are not ok with me, ever, it doesn't matter if no one responds. I also don't think he was trying to be compete with me....
meaghan86 : ...And he's not a child, so hopefully he acts like an adult?
meaghan86 : Sorry, I just had to mention that he listed himself as "Single" while we were engaged and stated that he was looking to date. That's deceptive behaviour and NOT healthy in a committed relationship, can't shrug that off. Comments by meaghan86

And you are correct in your comments. The problem I have , {and I believe Tal said this before me} is that why didn't you act on this when you first found out about it. This anger had been with you for a long time, and unless he is still doing the same thing {online flirting} then maybe it's time to put this behind you. It is possible that he learned his lesson, or it is possible that he is being "more careful" {sneaky} and you just haven't caught him. But unless you are with him 24 hours a day or keep him in a cage, there's no way you can ever be sure. That is the way it is with millions of relationships. The answer is in one word... TRUST> And it appears he has earned that from you again. Tell him not to screw it up this time. Good LUck.

PS It is nice to see that every once in awhile, people can work out their problems and move forward together. That certainly will give hope to many other couples that are going through some rough waters.