[snowflakewine]

I've been married for 2 years to my husband but we've never had a 'honeymoon' period. It took 6 months when our relationship began for us to be intimate. He said he was nervous because it meant a lot to him. I tried to be understanding during the time but it did hurt a bit. We have had an on again off again marriage due to me finding out he told another woman he still had feelings for her before we got married and he accidentally showed me a picture of another female friend on his phone who was in her bra and knickers. When I asked him about this he said he was bored one night and that's how that came about. Above all this I still have stayed with him because I'm loyal to my marriage but throughout the 2 years I ALWAYS initiate sex. He never has and it's taken it's toll. I'm lucky if we are intimate once a week, not even. If he drinks and other stuff - then that's the weekend written off and a couple of days after that. There have been times when he has said he's not in the mood and I can't help but get upset. He then gets angry and either throws something or storms out because he feels that I should be more considerate if he is tired or coming off a bender. I do love him and he's a good person and I know that sex isn't everything but I've just turned 30 and still want to have a decent sex life with the man I married - for life. I'm worried that if it's this what it's like now, it will get worse. After this weekend which was his birthday, I asked him on Monday night if we could and he said no, he was too tired from his birthday drinkathon and then over the last two days has feigned illness to get out of it. He calls me at work to tell me how sick and dizzy he's feeling and stressed from work then comes home and drinks a bottle and a half of wine. It's like a slap in the face because if he's really as sick as he makes out, drinking would be the last thing on this mind. I found out last week also that this has been a problem with his previous two relationships so I know it's not because of me but every time I try to talk to him about it, he tells me I'm insulting his manhood and makes him not want to do it even more.

I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. I don't feel special and it doesn't feel like a marriage because I'm always having to make compromises and he just drinks at the pub or at home and either sits on his computer or watches football. He also makes a lot of promises but never any actions to back them up. Every time I try to voice my concerns it turns into a row because he feels he can't get away with anything? I feel like my feelings don't count and he keeps saying he just wants things to be easy and not in trouble all the time.

[snowflakewine]

I forgot to mention he's just turned 35

[mrshodges]

Maybe he is having issues with erectile dysfunction. On another note there is never any excuse for getting violent with you.

[Synnen]

Sounds to me like he's lazy and an alcoholic.

There's nothing you can do to fix him.

Would he go to a counselor with you?

[snowflakewine]

We've talked about counselling in the past but it hasn't been bought up again. I think it would help but I'm not sure if I should just cut my losses.

[simoneaugie]

Alcohol is the primary problem. If he isn't willing to address that, and he may never be, you can't make him.

If this issue is a deal-breaker, and it sounds like it is, cut your losses if he is unwilling to get help for his alcoholism.

It's not you. Insulting his manhood! That's an excuse made by men who are running out of other ones.

[Synnen]

I'm slightly more evil than more people--but that whole "insulting his manhood" thing...

My comment would be, "Well, it's not exactly as if your manhood is rebutting the insult! I only insult the stupid, the boring, and the lazy---which one is your manhood?"

Of course, I wouldn't have put up with him as long as you have. Cut your losses, and get some counseling yourself, if for no other reason than to believe that marriage or not--you deserve better.

[Jake2008]

I would bet dollars to donuts that there is a sexual dysfunction here, compounded by the use of alcohol.

It is kind of a chicken and egg question. Which came first, the erectile/sexual problem, or the alcohol.

Either way, both require assessment. The very least I think you are entitled to expect (as his wife), is a complete physical to identify, or rule out, problems that are related to sexual dysfunction.

I get the impression that the alcohol had affected relationships in the past, and not much changed since he married you.

I would put that issue on the table, after he has had a physical. And his Doctor should also be aware of his drinking behaviour, as more likley than not, it is contributing to the problem, if it isn't the cause itself.

[snowflakewine]

Thanks all for your comments. We spoke last night about his current stress and he said that the last 2 years due to us being on and off, he's been suppressing his emotions and now he's just burnt out. Nothing was mentioned about the bedroom. He feels that I need to be more supportive of him as he feels that I haven't been. I don't feel this is the case as I moved away from my friends and family to be with him in a small village so he's all I have to focus my energy on. I'm still very hurt over his ongoing actions and attitude, the general feeling of not coming first so I find it tough to be supportive when it feels like it's about him all the time. When I tried to mention this he got argumentative and said it wasn't about my feelings it was about how he's where he is now and that I need to help him out. I wouldn't have mentioned this only that it happened last night.

[Synnen]

Excuse me?

It's not about YOUR feelings, it's only about HIM?

That's not a discussion. That's him telling you how he wants to run your life.

Leave now. Just get out. He's self-centered, lazy, alcoholic, and really has no interest in you as a person, just as a support system to support his bad habits.

He is sooooo not worth it. It will NEVER get better.

[Cat1864]

Thanks all for your comments. We spoke last night about his current stress and he said that the last 2 years due to us being on and off, he's been supressing his emotions and now he's just burnt out. Nothing was mentioned about the bedroom. He feels that I need to be more supportive of him as he feels that I haven't been. I don't feel this is the case as I moved away from my friends and family to be with him in a small village so he's all I have to focus my energy on. I'm still very hurt over his ongoing actions and attitude, the general feeling of not coming first so I find it tough to be supportive when it feels like it's about him all the time. When I tried to mention this he got argumentative and said it wasn't about my feelings it was about how he's where he is now and that I need to help him out. I wouldn't have mentioned this only that it happened last night.

Time to make the marriage off again-permanently.

The past two years have been about him. His timetable for having sex. His feelings for another woman when you got married. His being bored and playing games with a woman in her underwear. His drinking. His stress. Support for his 'poor pitiful me' attitude. And that is just from what you have written here. IF you weren't going to mention last night's 'discussion', I shudder to think about what else has been left out.

Personally, I don't think he has a sexual issue as much as a drinking one that has been going on for a very long time.

You need to give yourself the support you are not going to get from him. In his mind, if he isn't being supported then the world is falling apart. As long as he is getting 'support' from a bottle, his world IS falling apart.

Time to pack up and leave. If you don't, then you need to empty out the house of all alcoholic beverages and lay down the law about his drinking. Either he stops or you go. His choice of where he wants to get his support from.

Personally, I vote for making it your choice to leave no matter what he wants. You can't change him. I don't think he wants to change. However, you can change you and what you are willing to put up with.

Whether you stay or go, I suggest looking into a support group for family members of alcoholics like Al-Anon (Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen).

[snowflakewine]

Thanks for this Cat. I'm in the UK and what I've seen from my time here, drinking seems to be on the top of a lot of people's lists. It's no excuse of course but it's meet for a pint instead of a cup of coffee which is what I'm used to culturally. I got him to agree a few week's back that drinking needs to be cut down to Friday, Saturday and Tuesday nights (Tues -family night with his parents) which he has kept to his word to but it just means that it's more of a binge on the 'drinking' nights. When he drank the bottle and a half of wine when he was 'sick' that was Tuesday night. We live in his father's home at the moment and he's father enjoys a drink so there is always alcohol in the fridge so I can't escape it :(
He's aware that I'm wanting to leave again because things have not improved and has asked that I just stay around and if he starts getting 'paranoid' reassure him a bit and he has promised by next week he'll be fine. He feels 'bleak' at the moment but he knows it won't be for long. I'm considering leaving when no one is home and leaving a note because I can't see it getting any better and it unerves me that he seems to have a timeframe on when he'll feel better :(

[Synnen]

IF you stay (which I personally wouldn't) several things need to happen:

1. The drinking stops. Not just cut back--it stops.

2. You get your own place. It will be easy to save when the money for alcohol is put towards a home of your own instead.

3. The "other women", bored or not, are off limits. Period.

4. It becomes about YOU. Not about you 'reassuring" him when he feels "bleak". A marriage takes TWO people working at it to be successful. Right now, you're doing all the work and getting NONE of the benefits. That needs to change.

5. Marriage counseling is MANDATORY. If he won't go, then you leave.

Do you have kids? If not, better to leave before you feel stuck because of children. If yes--do you want your children to see your marriage as an example of how people treat one another? Do you want your sons to act towards their wives like your husband acts towards you? Do you want your daughters to think it's okay to be treated the way he's treating you?

[mrshodges]

I think leaving when you are alone is probably best. I think he would try to make you feel bad with his selfish ways and you would stay and continue to be miserable.

[snowflakewine]

Thanks for this Synnen. No we don't have any kids (thank goodness) and to be honest I'm tired of being the one that instigates everything. I don't feel sympathy or supportive at the moment, just tired. There's been discussions about getting our own place but unless I start looking and do the leg work, it won't happen. It's our 2 year anniversary tomorrow and I booked a table at a restaurant which I now have to cancel as he said he won't be the best company. I'm aware I've done a lot of posting yesterday and today about the situation and now I need to act.. again.

[Cat1864]

Thanks for this Synnen. No we don't have any kids (thank goodness) and to be honest I'm tired of being the one that instigates everything. I don't feel sympathy or supportive at the moment, just tired. There's been discussions about getting our own place but unless I start looking and do the leg work, it won't happen. It's our 2 year anniversary tomorrow and I booked a table at a restaurant which I now have to cancel as he said he won't be the best company. I'm aware I've done alot of posting yesterday and today about the situation and now I need to act.. again.

Why cancel? Why not go and enjoy yourself? Maybe take a friend or your mother-in-law.

I doubt he will be good company at home if he already expects to be poor company at a restaurant. It would be supporting his wish to be alone with himself.

I also don't think he is going to make any changes until he sees that what he wants is destroying the support he is demanding.

Take care of yourself.

[snowflakewine]

Thanks Cat1864. There is no friend I can really ask up here because they are all connected to him (small village). I wouldn't ask the mother in law because I confided in her the time I found out about the other woman he had feelings for before we got married and it's been uncomfortable ever since.

Thank goodness I enjoy my own company! :)

[Cat1864]

Do you have any type of a life outside of your house? Job or other interests?

Well, you're welcome to view the discussion boards and join if you would like.

[snowflakewine]

I do have a fulltime PA job but am yet to get some hobbies outside the house. I'll check out some of the discussion boards also :)

[Sweat heart]

I have to agree on that one. I was in a similar relationship with my daughters father for four years he was my first love my first every thing. I was so young and In love with him I thought he cared about me the same way I did. I put this man on a peditool and I didn't even realize it I put him before my daughter and myself and I didn't even realize it because he made every thing about him and he's life and he's wants and needs and he's family. Every time there he's family had a gathering we were the first ones there but when my family had a gathering he'll drop me off and my daughter and he'd come and pick us up later. He barely spent any time with me at all he always playing video games on the computer or smoking weed. As I grew up older in this toxic relationship with him I realize that this not how I want to spend the rest of my life unhappy. He never gave any attention what so ever I had to beg for it, I had to beg and cry and pled with him to spend quality time and for him to change he's bad habbits, with me and he's daughter. I was depressed for a long time because I thought It was me I thought I was ugly and ignorant that he just didn't love me enough. All on top of that he emotionaly abused me and physically abused me. Relationship never started like that all when we first meet he sweet and nice and kind hearted he changed so much from the time that I had meet him and there was nothing I could do to change him. I meet him when I was 17 had he's baby at 18 lwe were together for two years I left him thought I could change him and went back to him thinking that I could have changed him. I spent another two years with him and learned that you Never change a man he is who he is. If he loves you truly and deeply enough he we'll do every thing in he's power to make you happy or at least try. Long story short I stopped feeling sorry for myself gave him an altimatum shape up or ship out and he kept giving me the same routine so I left he's . I don't regret it I've never been so happy and alive in my life. I wish I was smarter to leave him sooner.