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Midggy · Sep 21, 2010, 05:25 PM

Me and my boyfriend our in a really good place. We communicate openly about everything and our plans along the line of marriage in the near future seems and feels promising. He has a set of twins boy and girl with an older women near or early 40's. This women also has another child maybe more I'm not sure that are not his children. He pays half her rent and keeps the kids when she goes to work on his off days. She recently came to him and told him that someone had stolen her car... he feels as if he has to be responsible to replace the car. Then mid week she tells him that she lost her job. Her suggestion for him to help her was to ask my man to move in with her for help... UM excuse me but I don't think so. He is a sucker for anything that comes to those babies or that she says has to do with the babies. Of course he said no. she claims that her family doesn't want her to stay with them. He told her that if she found a cheaper place he would help her with her rent since the place she's at is well beyound her means to pay before this happened. She then tells him she still needs him to be there for help. It sounds to me like she trying to get him back. I tried to explain this to him but he isn't getting it because he heavily concerned about the kids. I don't think he would do it but I don't know how to explain to him that she's using him by dangling those babies over his head. I can't really see myself getting envolved other than talking to him but My question is how do I get him to see that if he gives in to her every need he will cause her to be heavily dependent. Which will at some point hurt our future plans. She doesn't know anything about me per my request to keep BS to a minimum until we actually get to the very thick line of jumping the broom.

ChihuahuaMomma · Sep 21, 2010, 06:35 PM

He needs to tell her to be a responsible adult & parent. If she cannot do this, he needs to go to court to get custody of those children. If he cannot do this then there's obviously feelings for her.

DoulaLC · Sep 21, 2010, 06:45 PM

I would also add, be very careful about marrying him until this gets sorted out and he is better able to stand up to her.

Yes, you will be a stepmother and have that responsibility, but you'll want as little drama as possible in regard to the ex.

If it doesn't get sorted, expect more of the same in the future... or at least until she finds someone else to take care of her.

talaniman · Sep 21, 2010, 08:14 PM

Not to be harsh, just realistic, but while you two are in a good place now, he is not, and until he resolves his issues and handles his business himself, you will be forever a slave to her whims, and wants.

You have done your best to stay out of this, and not influence him, but you must back off to a safe emotional distance to let him see for himself what must be done by him. He has choices to make, hard choices, for his future, and yours, and right now seems so do you. Protect yourself by removing yourself from whatever fallout there will be, from him making those choices.

Jake2008 · Sep 21, 2010, 09:39 PM

I don't know why he doesn't do the practical things, which are, seeing a lawyer, establishing paternity, establishing child support, and establishing visitation, and/or custody.

I cannot see with the way things are now, that there is room for you in their relationship.

For all intent and purpose, he is very emotionally involved, and physically and financially involved in everything to do with her life from paying her rent, to replacing her car, to being available 24/7 if she needs him. There are no boundaries or expectations in place, legally or otherwise, that would free him enough to pursue another relationship with you.

Why he has not let her go, and why she has not let him go, are for the two of them to figure out, not you.

It is pretty obvious where his loyalties are, and I don't see you saying that he has plans or hopes for himself to live a life without so much drama (and it will only get worse- she sounds very needy).

Consider what you are facing, should the situation remain the same, and think hard about what you are going to take on, should you stay with him (and thus his larger than life ex too). Sounds like he's a package deal that will be costly, all the way around.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 22, 2010, 03:30 PM

The problem is not so much the baby mama, but him. This lady has him by the you know what and he is just going along like an obedient dog. That is his fault. He has not drawn any lines and it does not appear he will.

He can't tell this woman she has a life so he keeps you a secret? He needs to grow a pair and handle his business and you may need to walk away from this. As I see it this woman has him until he is ready to let her go.