[NannyL]

I was not allowed to be at the hospital when the baby was born and only telephoned after she had arrived. My DIL's mother was with her throughout and even cut the cord. Since her birth, I have been alloted visiting times but DILl's mother sees the baby everyday. I am hurt by this but, have tried to see it from Son's and DIL's view point. Obviously I know new mother's usually want to spend time with their mums, but I feel like I'm just one of a crowd, and not the baby's paternal grandmother. My worry is that this situation will continue, and from other would be grandparents postings I have read on here, it will only get worse.

[DoulaLC]

Have you spoken to your son and daughter-in-law about how you feel? Have you mentioned that you feel sort of left out and would like to be more involved?

[Fr_Chuck]

So when you talk to your SON about it, what does he have to say ?

And to be honest, my mom would not have waited for an invite, and I assume you live in same town ? Why have you not just went over ?

[Kitkat22]

I think I would just take myself right over there with a camera and a gift and see my grandchild.
You're allowed to do that when you're a grandmother.

That's the way I would do it. If your son dosen't like it tell him to get over it. Do it.

[Jake2008]

I think that if you were not allowed at the delivery, and you've been given specific times to visit, as you say, then you have to respect their direction and wishes, for now. If you start to complain, and do something like just put their wishes aside and barge right in, that may just cause you to be less involved than you already are now.

I presume this is her first baby, and it is only natural that her mother be there to help her, just as you would be with your daughter (if you have one) when she has her first baby.

She has known her mother all of her life after all, and I know that I would have been uncomfortable with my mother in law in the delivery room with the births of my children too. Not that I didn't love her, or respect her, but, you are her mother in law, not her mother, and there is likely a comfort level thing going on. Of all my friends with children, not one had their mother in law in there. It is just understood I think, that the fewer people involved directly, the less stress on the mother.

I understand that your feelings are hurt, but I urge you to do what they say, and respect their wishes. As she becomes more comfortable just being a new mother, everything will change. Allow her time to get settled and gain some confidence.

If there are no reasons other than the obvious, that they would keep you at arm's length, you have every reason to expect things to gradually be inclusive. I think this will all work out in good time.

[Alty]

I remember when my son was born. My parents came to the delivery room, my MIL did not. I didn't tell her not to, she just assumed that I'd want my mom, which I did. My mom wasn't in the delivery room though.

There's a saying and it's so very true. A son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter's a daughter for the rest of your life.

The female is usually closer to her family after marriage and children, because women are the ones that do the planning, the inviting.

I wouldn't just drop by, that would have made me batty. It is polite to call and ask, not just pop in. But, do call, do ask if you can come by, offer to babysit, make it known that you care about this baby and you want to be a part of its life.

Maybe they don't realize they're leaving you out, after all, it's a busy time in their lives.

[Wondergirl]

How has your relationship been with your DIL so far? Has your DIL included you in other activities and events before B.A.B.Y. I'm sure she's just getting used to her new baby and life with a little stranger. My first weeks and even months at home, I just wanted to lock the doors and sleep whenever I could.

My MIL was an RN and would wear her uniform when she came to the hospital to visit (I was in for five days, 1970), so she could pretend she was on staff and be able to check my chart. She had already done other things to me to raise my hackles (had opened all our wedding gifts while we were on our honeymoon, and then not very carefully rewrapped them), so I did not encourage her to visit me and the new baby. For instance, when she did come over to visit after I got home, she took the baby from me to hold him and then sat in the rocker and told me to do the laundry or whatever else I had to do. Needless to say, my MIL was not my favorite person. It was too bad, because my mom lived 600+ miles away and couldn't be with me at that time.

[Kitkat22]

I think I would talk to the son and find out why he is not allowing you to visit.

[Jake2008]

Kit- she is allowed to visit, just at allocated times.

[QLP]

Was the birth pretty recent? Although it's a good few years since my younguns came into the world I can still remember being inundated with visitors after the births of my children and finding it pretty exhausting. Of course you want to see all your family and friends but unless you take some control over the times people visit you can find yourself hardly having time to pee, and if you have been up all night, are still feeling a bit sore, and particularly with the first are very much learning the job, you can get overwhelmed pretty quickly without some quiet time.

It may be that as a new mum she is wanting the presence and advice of her own mum until she gets a bit of confidence but isn't ready to spend a lot of time with other visitors yet. If it is still early days I wouldn't panic that you will be left out just yet.

Love to you and your new family.

[Kitkat22]

Kit- she is allowed to visit, just at allocated times.

Giving birth is hard. I think the DIL wants to spend time with her owm during this time. I'll wager she has been over run with visitors and needs to rest. You'll have a lot of time with your grandchild when things calm down... Thanks Jake!:)

[NannyL]

Thank you for all your advice. The thing is the baby is only 4 days old, (I know, I know its early days), but to be honest I've never had a real relationship with my my son's partner. There are no problems and she is very polite and considerate, its just that my son is very independent and opinionated, this has not been a problem but it has meant even though we get on fine, we just haven't had much social contact with him or his partner, even though they live 5 minutes away. I understand that new mother's want their mums around them in the early days especially, but it feels hard that I coulnd't at least be in the hospital waiting room when my grand-daughter was born, and that whilst I know her mum is with her most of every day, I have only had about 2 hours contact with the baby so far. I am not phoning or calling, just sending texts to ask how mum, dad and baby are doing just once a day. The baby's mum sends little texts back with photos of baby saying good morning nanny etc, and I know this is very considerate of her, but I feel like I'm going to be just one of a crowd of relatives (of which there are many, as son's father and I are divorced and I'm married again), and won't have a special place in my grand-daughter's life... probably me bieng paranoid, and yes I should wait it out and see how things go.

[NannyL]

PS: I just rang my son, his partner answered and I asked how she and baby were doing. She said baby had slept quite well but that she was tired and was going to have a nap, I agreed that this was wise, but asked if I could see baby sometime today, she started hesitantly to say yes, and my son came on the phone, he said could I come around later and we agreed a time. You would think that now I'd feel good... but I have just had a good cry, because I feel that my wish to visit baby is just being tolerated, You would think I'd just had a baby I'm so emotional! Oh Kitkat22, I don't think it's a case of being 'allowed' or 'entitled' to anything as a grandmother, more a case of negotiating your way through the minefield of the parents primary feelings and rights, which I'm really, reaslly trying to do..

[DoulaLC]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way.
Wait it out, it will get better.

They are still settling in and getting to know their new daughter themselves.

Some couples want a load of visitors from the start, others need to have some time to themselves for awhile first, even in regard to relatives.

Continue to stay in contact through text and phone calls, and visit when you can.

[JudyKayTee]

This experience is new to everyone - the mother, the father, the grandparents. Everyone has to sort of feel his/her way through this.

I personally would let the mother take the lead - if she has certain hours when you are welcome, then I would go during those hours. The more you push, the more she's going to push back, something you neither want nor need.

Let her get some rest, get used to being a mom, don't push.

[Jake2008]

That was a nice thing for your daughter in law to do- send a text with pictures. I think she's keeping you as close as she feels able, and comfortable to rght now.

I'm not a grandmother, but I hope when I am, that this initial settling in for the mother and new baby, will only last a short while. You may feel too that you don't have a special place in the baby's life and are on par with all the other people in their lives that also want to see that baby. But, the time will come when friends' visits will fall off, and routine sets in, and who's going to be there- it will be you.

It will also be you at every birthday, Christmas, and special occasions at school. It will be you available and willing to babysit, and you that remembers your son and daughter in laws anniversary, and offer to babysit for the night. You will be the one that will be the most non threatening, or critical, or the one with no demands on their time, that they will come to see as a blessing in the months and years to come- if you play your cards right.

This will be a very long relationship that you will have with your grandchild, that is special and unique. Keeping your (natural) urge to want to be involved and helpful, at bay, will only pay off in spades down the road. Try to think long term here, and allow them the immediate goal of just getting their footing with a newborn, and instead, think long term.

Eventually, when she's pulling her hair out because she's gone without sleep, or deals with the baby being sick, or is not well herself and needs help, she will include you in all the nitty gritty work which is called, support. That will also distinguish your very valued place in the family as a whole, and I'm sure your contributions will mean far more then, than the little you can do now.

Thinking here of my son, and his girlfriend, and should they marry, and I find myself in the same boat as you, I would feel the same way, as you do now. But, I know that after what you have said, and examining that situation for myself down the road, I hope I can be strong enough to follow my own advice, and sit back, and wait for things to happen naturally.

[Alty]

Baby is only 4 days old. This is a very trying time for the new parents, getting accustomed to a very demanding responsibility, learning how to cope, still healing from the birth.

I was one of those mothers that really couldn't tolerate a lot of visitors. I wanted time alone with this child I'd waited 9 months to meet. Of course everyone called wanting to come over, but I put them off, told them they'd soon meet my son, but at this time I needed alone time, time to recuperate, time to get a schedule in place.

Even my mom didn't come over that often, only when I needed her, and it was a blessing to have her there, but more than just her I couldn't have handled.

It took a long time for me to include my MIL. The main reason was that she was a heavy smoker and refused to light up outside or away from the baby. She'd come over, take out her cigarettes, and I'd ask her to leave. She wasn't willing to compromise at all. I had even made a nice sitting area for her (complete with a heater) in the garage, but she refused. It took 2 years of us leaving or asking her to leave whenever she lit up, before she was willing to accept that she would have to give in on this issue because I wouldn't. I didn't think it was too much to ask for her to not smoke for the 2 or more hours she was around the baby.

If your DIL is sending pictures and texts, that's her way of including you at this time. I'm sure that she'll include you more and more once things have settled a bit.

Just be there when they need you right now, and don't pressure them too much. If you do she may well resent you for trying to push your way in.

In the meantime, go shopping, by some nice things for your granddaughter, maybe start a scrapbook of the pictures she sends you, ask for more so that you can make a nice gift of memories for them. Enjoy whatever time you do have and don't let your thoughts prevent you from it.

Congratulations of your grandchild. :)

[NannyL]

Thanks again guys. I know and accept all you advice is sensible and considerate. I saw the baby for an hour yesterday, and although my son was very aware of the time and suggested that at the end of the hour DIL and baby needed sleep (I agreed instantly) DIL whispered, 'He is working afternoon shift next week, come up to see me and baby when he's not here'. I am aware that this is a little duplitious, but was cheered by the fact that DIL is more sensitive to my need to spend time with there baby. My son is naturally besotted with his new daughter and sees himself as her and her mums guardian, and that comes first, last and every time for him. Hard for me but sooo understandable I know!

[DoulaLC]

Thanks again guys. I know and accept all you advice is sensible and considerate. I saw the baby for an hour yesterday, and although my son was very aware of the time and suggested that at the end of the hour DIL and baby needed sleep (I agreed instantly) DIL whispered, 'He is working afternoon shift next week, come up to see me and baby when he's not here'. I am aware that this is a little duplitious, but was cheered by the fact that DIL is more sensitive to my need to spend time with ther baby. My son is naturally besotted with his new daughter and sees himself as her and her mums gaurdian, and that comes first, last and every time for him. Hard for me but sooo understandable I know!!

A sound plan indeed... :) Your daugher-in-law is blessed with your son who is making sure that they are getting their rest. That baby honeymoon period is so important and rest is paramount to mother's well-being. Enjoy your visits!