[cronin]

My Daughter and I have not Spoken in a year, I can only assume its because I have not had any communication with her Father for over 8 years and he feels left out, as my children are all adults I have walked away for my own sanity, he has since come into my daughters life and used her as a weapon to get at me after all these years, my lack of communication is due to the fact you cannot get any agreement. My daughter has since married and to be honest I was quite happy to avoid the drunken ex husbands outbursts on her wedding day, as it would have been my fault if he had of kicked off.
My daughter ignores her brother and sister as well, because she feels sorry for her father, as the other 2 don't want anything to do with their father.

[talaniman]

I think you have to leave her alone to come to her own conclusions over time about how she deals with not only you, but the rest of her family.

Sure its hard to not have her in your life, but give her time and space, maybe a card on occasion, but its her call. Let her make it.

[Enigma1999]

Hello cronin,

After you had stopped all lines of communication with their Father, did HE try to have a relationship with them? You mentioned that he felt "left out", so I take it no, he didn't. So if not, how come?

I guess what I am trying to say, is that I need some more details. Why you left, if he tried to contact them, why only this daughter has contact, and the others don't?

Thank you.

[cronin]

I think you have to leave her alone to come to her own conclusions over time about how she deals with not only you, but the rest of her family.

Sure its hard to not have her in your life, but give her time and space, maybe a card on occasion, but its her call. Let her make it.

Yes I have left her alone, but I am at the point that I feel guilty that I don't remember her anymore. This was just out of the blue, with a lot of insults towards me. I really don't feel that I can have her in my life like I did before.

Hello cronin,

After you had stopped all lines of communication with their Father, did HE try to have a relationship with them? You mentioned that he felt "left out", so I take it no, he didn't. So if not, how come?

I guess what I am trying to say, is that I need some more details. Why you left, if he tried to contact them, why only this daughter has contact, and the others don't??

Thank you.

Basically I cut myself off, he called them once a week and maybe saw them twice a year, I really don't have a problem with the contact. What he does is use me as the excuse not to see them.
The CSA got involved, he cut off 2 children out of the blue. And kept intouch with the oldest, and she has been reporting back, and causing problems on his behalf

[Enigma1999]

Basically I cut myself off, he called them once a week and maybe saw them twice a year, I really dont have a problem with the contact. what he does is use me as the excuse not to see them.
the CSA got involved, he cut off 2 children out of the blue. and kept intouch with the oldest, and she has been reporting back, and causing problems on his behalf

So basically, Dad wanted to feel better about himself by using you as the reason he only saw them a couple times a year.

What do your other two children think of their sister's behavior?

Unfortunately, she is a victim of circumstance, therefore, I believe that you need to keep living your life and hope that realizes her Father is the main source of all of this.

Have you tried to reach out to her, and simply explain where you are coming from?

[cronin]

So basically, Dad wanted to feel better about himself by using you as the reason he only saw them a couple times a year.

What do your other two children think of their sister's behavior?

Unfortunately, she is a victim of circumstance, therefore, I beleive that you need to keep living your life and hope that realizes her Father is the main source of all of this.

Have you tried to reach out to her, and simply explain where you are coming from?

MY other 2 children are very upset by her outbursts, and don't want to know her.
I am living my life without a man and like you a very independent person. I have stood by my children without a father for 24 years.
He is very irresponsable in everyway. Drinking comes first, he has cancelled numerous time cause of being drunk, as after all the abuse during the married, I had to get out of it.

I did explain to my daughter, that I need to stay out of the communication, but because she was getting married she felt that we were going to be negative on her wedding day. Having had no communication with him should have told her I had no intentions of talking as I haven't for along time.

I explained to her along time ago, and again a year ago, but every time I did say, I felt that the words were not my daughter, they were my ex.
Thank you for you time and words enigma x

[Enigma1999]

MY other 2 children are very upset by her outbursts, and dont want to know her.
I am living my life without a man and like you a very independant person. i have stood by my children without a father for 24 years.
He is very irresponsable in everyway. Drinking comes first, he has cancelled numerous time cause of being drunk, as after all the abuse during the married, I had to get out of it.

I did explain to my daughter, that I need to stay out of the communication, but because she was getting married she felt that we were going to be negative on her wedding day. having had no communication with him should have told her I had no intentions of talking as i haven't for along time.

I explained to her along time ago, and again a year ago, but everytime I did say, I felt that the words were not my daughter, they were my ex.
Thank you for you time and words enigma x

I see you read my profile.

I applaud you for leaving him and not settling for anything less.

In situations like these, as hard as they are or can get, it's best to just let the other person (meaning your Daughter) see for themselves.

You did all you can. You expressed to her your feelings and concerns. The ball is in her court.

I am sorry for your pain.

[cronin]

I see you read my profile.

I applaud you for leaving him and not settling for anything less.

In situations like these, as hard as they are or can get, it's best to just let the other person (meaning your Daughter) see for themselves.

You did all you can. You expressed to her your feelings and concerns. The ball is in her court.

I am sorry for your pain.

The worst thing for me is when she does open her eyes, I have to pick up the pieces, and I don't want to do this anymore. Im tired of the drama he causes.
I now feel that I have to be careful what I say to her just in case is causes more grief, so it is impossible to ever have a relationship with her as I don't trust her anymore.
Selfish as it may seem, I want a life.

[answerme_tender]

That's not selfish, its called survival. I agree with sending card every once in awhile or letter just to let her know that you are thinking of her and love her--just something that simple. Being made to feel that you are totally responsible for someone's well being and physical outcome is a powerful tool, as you well know. This is how your daughter if probably feeling towards her father. Don't give up hope,but don't put your life on hold either. We can only do so much as mother, then we have to let them go to expand their lives they way they choose to. Good luck

[cronin]

Thats not selfish, its called survival. I agree with sending card every once in awhile or letter just to let her know that you are thinking of her and love her--just something that simple. Being made to feel that you are totally responsible for someones well being and physical outcome is a powerful tool, as you well know. This is how your daughter if probably feeling towards her father. Dont give up hope,but dont put your life on hold either. We can only do so much as mother, then we have to let them go to expand their lives they way they choose to. Good luck

My daughter left home 4 years ago, we fell out last year, I let her go when she left home, I only gave her guidance when she needed me, I actually thinking about, never knocked at her door unless I was invited, I actually gave her respect, space. Thinking about it, I'm only there for the crap in her life, period. I did not feel responsible for her when she left home I wanted her to find her own way in life. Do you know what, I'm bloody angry she has been taking me for a ride.

[answerme_tender]

Cronin---We love our kids,but its okay to get angry at the choices they make. But most of all you are angry because she has chosen to be her drunken father and not standing by you. Of course you feel like she has no regard for your feelings of what has happened in the past and what you sacrificed for her. What you are feeling is a great deal of betrayal.
God only gives us our children for so long to raise and then we have to let them make their own choices, yes even if it damn near kills us. However, we can be disappointed and even get to point we just want to cut them out of our lives, but remember no matter what they do, they are your children--you are her mother and you know that someday she will need to pick up the pieces one more time. The question is can you get over this and just hold on to that MOTHERS love and forgive her. None of us are perfect and we screw up and yes even more then once or twice in our lives. One of the hardest thing to do in life is to really forgive, I don't know why, maybe because anger and hurt are so easy to hold on to, it gives us justification for our feelings. Lord forgave us and that should be our perfect example to strive for!! --good luck

[cronin]

Nah its not that I don't forgive her, its not like that, it's the frustration of having such a whimp of a ex husband who get his child involved as to why I don't talk to him , when I had already spoke to him about that 8 years ago. I did not involve anyone
No what has happened my daughter invited her dad to her wedding, he said he wasn't going because I don't talk.
Blame again for a decision I made 8 years ago. I did not involve anyone.
It then starts, your not coming to my hen party, etc etc. so you can understand why I am frustrated by the fact that I can't make a bloody decision without being punished from my ex lowlife husband, via the daughter. I have walked away, and I will stay away, she may be my daughter and I can forgive her, but I don't want her back, I no longer can tolerate the ex husband. My children are all over 20 years of age, I divorced in 1990 20 years ago, how long do you think this is going to go on for, and all the time he is enjoying every moment without actually doing anything at all, she has done his dirty work, more fool her. That's why I walked away because I have dealt with it for years.