[dustynmom]

I have been consistent with everyone trying to hold it together all by myself and handle the pregnancy emontions at the same time I just feel like I'm going to crack and I have mentioned this to my husband how upset I am that nothing is working and that we should be working together as a family not fighting with each other

[DoulaLC]

i have been consistent with everyone trying to hold it together all by myself and handle the pregnancy emontions at the same time i just feel like im going to crack and i have mentioned this to my husband how upset i am that nothing is working and that we should be working together as a family not fighting with each other

What is his response to your being so upset and frustrated? Does he show any understanding? Is he willing to sit with you to come up with a plan to make things better for everyone? Does he understand that the frequent fighting and stress are not healthy for you, the pregnancy, or the other children?

Ask him if he will sit down so that the two of you can come up with a plan to make things better. Start with the basics, it sounds like just having more help and respect around the house will make a tremendous difference. Get his thoughts on how he and the kids can work with you to make changes.

[dustynmom]

He says he's sorry that I'm so upset and he doesn't like the fighting either but he's not willing to help out with anything into making things better and not fight so much and I have told him it not good for me to get stressed during the pregnancy but it just feels like he doesn't care.


I've already called to set up a counseling appointment so I hope that works but if it doesn't when do I say enough is enough I've never had this much trouble ending a relationship before if it got bad I would end it before it got worse.

[DoulaLC]

Does he actually say he is not willing to help out or try to make things better or is that your assumption due to his lack of effort?

If he actually tells you that he won't help or work at improving your marriage and family dynamics, that is one thing, and obviously quite serious... if you just feel as though he isn't trying, that is different.

Same result, but at least you can work more effectively with the latter one.

Tell him you need concrete action on his part. That it is all well and good for him to say he is sorry about the upset and stress, but it really doesn't help you or the situation if there is no action behind the words.

Make it quite frank for him... spell it out so there is no question as what you need him to do.

Let him know that you understand and appreciate that he works hard and wants to relax when he gets home, but point out that you work hard all day as well, only to have him and the children ruin your hard work on a regular basis and that you don't get the down time.

I don't know what work he does, but I can well imagine he would not be pleased if he had people regularly messing up his work every time he completes it and then they just walk away for him to do over again.

Some couples have an agreement where dad comes home and has a half hour or an hour to himself to unwind. But he doesn't get to shut down for the rest of the day while you are still working your job.

The biggest thing is to get him behind you with dealing with the kids. Talk about the importance for them to learn some responsibility, to help out as part of the family, and to have manners and respect for both of you and their possessions. Come up with age appropriate chores and expectations... and also consequences both good and bad for the choices they make.

Once you are working more as a team in regard to the children and have more of a united front, your own relationship will likely improve as well.
Quote:

Originally Posted by dustynmom
I've already called to set up a counseling appointment so I hope that works but if it doesn't when do I say enough is enough I've never had this much trouble ending a relationship before if it got bad I would end it before it got worse.

The counselor will likely help you both to see where you can make some changes in how you address each other, how you deal with the kids together, and how to get both your needs met for alone time, couple time, and family time. They will have exercises for you to try and find out what works best for the two of you.

It can take a bit of time however, so don't give up if things don't change overnight. Old habits take time to break, but hopefully you will see some willingness on his part to try.

[dustynmom]

Yeah he says he will do more but its like once a week or once every two weeks he gets up off his butt to help out I've tried everything and I mean everything just to try and make this family work and stay together now all is left is counseling.

[JudyKayTee]

- and so you try counselling. Does he know how upset and frustrated you are? I don't mean complaining - I mean standing up and telling him.

[dustynmom]

Yes over the last year I have sat down with him and told him how sad and depressed I am and all he said is I'm sorry

[DoulaLC]

yes over the last year i have sat down with him and told him how sad and depressed i am and all he said is im sorry

Again... acknowledge his statement of being sorry, thank him for it and tell him you are so glad that he understands. Then ask him what he, himself, is going to do to help change things.

Ask him if he will sit down with you to devise a plan for working with the children consistently, for establishing expectations, and for dividing up the chores so that everyone, including him, has something they are responsible for.

He might take on giving the younger kids a bath at night so that you can have a bit of freetime to yourself. You might plan to do some of the bigger things on a Saturday morning as a family, then have some family fun time later in the day for example.

Ask him if he will work on this with you.

[talaniman]

yeah he says he will do more but its like once a week or once every two weeks he gets up off his butt to help out ive tried everything and i mean everything just to try and make this family work and stay together now all is left is counseling.

Change takes time, and work, and sometimes it takes baby steps, instead of overnight progress, like we want it. Be patient, and keep working as a little progress is better than none. Look you have been setting the patterns that you don't like for a long time now, and by your own words, its been in the last year that things have started overwhelming you.

I know you're pregnant again, so its understandable to be more than frustrated sometimes, and resentful, and emotional, I get that. But to be honest, both you, and your husband have much to learn of each other, and at some point after you are pregnant, I hope you get it together, but for now, you get a helper around the house who can handle those kids, and give you some immediate relief from the daily stresses of your condition.

There is a lot going on in your household that may take years to correct, and blending his kids, with you and yours, is always a very big task, so focus now on you, and what you need, and thats some help until he gets home, and some loving support, and assistance.

He sounds like sensitivity, and being helpful is out of his league, probably why he was divorced in the first place, but I seriously doubt that his ways were unknown to you before, but do think your being pregnant magnifies them to epic proportions. That's why I think a girlfriend, your mom, or even a sister or a niece who understands and is capable of helping out around the house and be good company, is exactly what the doctor ordered, if even for only once or twice a week, to give you some relief for your stress.

You sound like a woman who is trapped at home everyday with a group of monsters, and maybe need to turn it over to your husband sometimes while you take a break, a well deserved one considering you are with child, to do something for yourself, and let them fend for themselves.

Not only will it help you clear your head, and relax, but gives HIM the chance to see what you put up with on a daily basis, and maybe, just maybe, he will appreciate you, and see the need to be more of a man, and deal with his household.

We men can be boobs, and think bring home the bacon is enough while the woman should handle the rest. That's not always the best attitude to have now a days. Simple fact is there is a lot more work and responsibility at home after work, and just because you don't get paid money for it, doesn't mean it means nothing, or not important.

For now though for you, get some help, and is there a reason not too? Have you no family or friends??