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dustynmom · Sep 17, 2010, 11:35 AM

My husband has two children from his first marriage and we have a child together and I'm pregnant again and we fight all the time we never get along anymore we fight over the kids money and helping each other on cleaning the house. Well my husband thinks that just cause I'm a stay at home mom that I should do spring cleaning everyday that's my job cooking cleaning and taking care of the kids and all he has to do is go to work he can't even pay the bills because he doesn't like calling people. I'm thinking about leaving him but he says if I leave I can't take my son and it scares me and I don't know what to do I have no job no car and I might be lucky if I can move back in with one of my parents. I need help to figure this out.

JudyKayTee · Sep 17, 2010, 11:56 AM

First and foremost - he CANNOT keep you from taking your child with you if and when you go. That is a matter for the Court to decide some time in the future but unless you are a danger to the child, he cannot prevent you from moving with the child. Of course, if you're going to another State the Court may very well object. For the meantime, you can take the child and go.

You have to decide what is best for you and why this is a problem now. Are you sick with this pregnancy, upset, worried, anxious? Does the pregnancy "color" everything else?

Or are you simply tired of listening to a husband who won't help out, can't pay the bills?

Have you tried talking to someone about this - perhaps someone in Church, perhaps a counsellor? Maybe your ob/gyn can help you.

If you don't work - and I do appreciate that you have a child and are pregnant - why is cooking and cleaning a problem? Many work work AND cook and clean - are there some side issues here? Is your husband impossible to please?

I think we need to know a little bit more.

answerme_tender · Sep 17, 2010, 11:58 AM

Leaving your marriage is a very big step! You are going through some tuff times right now. Your pregnant and emotions are very powerful right now. Your husband could be going through some difficults times also. He could be stressed out on how to support four children and still be able to let you be a stay at home mom. Economic times we are in right now are very stressful for any family. If you know your husband doesn't like doing the bills then what would it hurt you to take those over.
Being a stay at home mom is hardwork. But there are plenty of woman that would like the ability to have that choice. There are a lot of women that work outside of home for 8hrs or so and still have to come home, cook,clean and do laundry, and also be mom while doing all those things. Why don't you approach your husband and say to him that you don't mind being a home mom, but he will need to chip in with maybe doing the laundry and in return you should be able to get the rest done or kids are fussy you will have to wait for him to watch them while you finish house chores. Good luck

dustynmom · Sep 17, 2010, 12:03 PM

Oh I don't have a problem cooking or cleaning I just don't like the fact that my husband and the kids can trash the house and then expect me to clean up after them everyday and I mean they like to trash the house I have cleaned my house many of times and its clean for one day and they come home from work or school and trash it I tell them to clean up their mess but they ignor me all the time and give me attutide and say that I should do everything around the house

JudyKayTee · Sep 17, 2010, 12:04 PM

Does your husband stand up for you when the kids backtalk? You are raising all of the kids - yours and his?

YIKES!

dustynmom · Sep 17, 2010, 12:11 PM

He tries to stand up for me but he doesn't like looking like the bad guy so in return I look like the bad guy and everyone hates me just cause I want them to pick up after themselves and not talk back or beg for things I know its hard having one income coming in and that's why I want the kids to learn that they can't always get what they want and that they have to keep their own rooms clean and put their toys away and I have been with my husband for 4 yrs and married for 1 yr and I have been cooking for them cleaning up after them and helping them with everything for 4 yrs while my husband sits down and plays video games and ignors me and the children

Cat1864 · Sep 17, 2010, 12:15 PM

Would he be willing to go to marriage counseling? Are you willing to go to counseling?

dustynmom · Sep 17, 2010, 12:19 PM

Oh I have told him I want to go but he doesn't like them. But he said he will try and do it for the marriage but he's not trying as hard as I am to find someone

Wondergirl · Sep 17, 2010, 12:19 PM

How old are the kids?

dustynmom · Sep 17, 2010, 12:22 PM

8 yr old step daughter almost 6 yr old step son and my 1 yr old son who I do pick up after my step children still to this day say that their mom always cleans up their mess and does everything for them but what she doesn't understand is if you do everything for them they will never learn to take care of their own stuff

Wondergirl · Sep 17, 2010, 12:34 PM

Originally Posted by dustynmom

8 yr old step daughter almost 6 yr old step son and my 1 yr old son

How creative are you? Make a game of picking up/cleaning up after yourself. Put the toy box or a big box in the middle of the living room and turn the picking-up chore into a scavenger hunt. Make up a picking-up song to the tune of "Row, row, row your boat" or some such easy song to sing. Turn it into a game -- "It's time to put in all the toys that have red on them" and "Now, let's put away all the round toys" -- so that picking up can also be a learning activity. Even little kids can help to make beds. Can you figure out how? Singing and talking through it and laughing will get everyone through their chores very happily.

Make sure you have permanent places for things -- shelves for books, a box for small toys, another box or shelves for larger toys, etc. Open shelves are good because the child can see the toy and then put it away.

Enlist their help when housecleaning -- even little kids can shove the vacuum around or empty wastebaskets or take food out of grocery bags. (Of course, you will show them how to do things the right way, using your creative magic and ultimate patience, so that e.g. wastebasket contents don't end up on the floor -- so more mess for you to clean up.) Have a job chart, but create it with their input and help. Use stickers or some visual way to show completion of a chore. Kids love to be like Mommy and Daddy and do "big person" work, so be open to possibilities.

If you just stand in the kitchen and yell orders to everyone, I wouldn't get excited to pick up after myself either, so be careful how you approach this. Yelling is evil. Making chores fun is most of the battle. And be sure you know exactly which chores need to be done and which can slide for a day or two -- but be consistent.

If you can get the kids into a good habits now, they will be much better teenagers.

answerme_tender · Sep 17, 2010, 12:34 PM

So if you leave the marriage you think that will correct everything? Even if you get rid of him and his two children from previous marriage you will still have to pickup after kids, because you will still have your own two. Kids are make messes and yes I agree that they need to learn to pickup after themselves, but good luck because your going to have an on going argument with your kids till they move out and get their own place. So say you divorce, are you planning on staying single for rest of your life? You may get something a hell of worst then what you have, its not always greener on other side, and you next set of step children may be more handfuls then the ones you have now!!

JudyKayTee · Sep 17, 2010, 02:12 PM

Originally Posted by answerme_tender

So if you leave the marriage you think that will correct everything? Even if you get rid of him and his two children from previous marriage you wil still have to pickup after kids, because you will still have your own two. Kids are make messes and yes I agree that they need to learn to pickup after themselves, but good luck because your going to have an on going argument with your kids till they move out and get their own place. So say you divorce, are you planning on staying single for rest of your life? You may get something a hell of worst then what you have, its not always greener on other side, and you next set of step children may be more handfuls then the ones you have now!!!

I question your advice on several levels - yes, kids make messes but I fail to see an ongoing argument with these (or any other kids) "until they move out and get their own place." Who is the parent in your house?

And divorce - if the OP is ready for one: staying in this marriage because the next one could be worse doesn't sound like very good advice to me. Be unhappy because you could be unhappier?

It sounds like the OP and her husband have to learn to work together - and that's why I suggested counselling.

And, oh, for the record - I was married with stepchildren, my husband died, I am remarried with stepchildren. All children are not impossible to live with, even if they aren't yours biologically.

answerme_tender · Sep 17, 2010, 02:33 PM

I do not believe that this marriage is over, nor do I advocate for her to get a divorce, but realize that this marriage maybe resolved, and that problems don't go away just removing the husband and step children. I also believe that counseling would be wonderful. Also I do not, nor did I state that living with step childrent is impossible, I merely was trying to have her open her eyes and appreciate what she has before ending a marriage===thank you

talaniman · Sep 17, 2010, 03:00 PM

I think you need a friend, or relative to help you through this pregnancy, who can run behind kids, and the big baby you didn't raise yourself (your husband)!!

I think its crap to expect you to do it all by yourself with you being pregnant for the second time in a couple of years. Yeah a no nonsense person to help will also give you support and understanding and that's what any pregnant female needs plenty of.

dustynmom · Sep 17, 2010, 03:13 PM

See I've been unhappy most of the time for the last 3-6 months and I'm only 4 months pregnant with a 1 yr old I just feel like me and my husband fight too much and I know its not good for the kids to see us fighting and I'm not sure my family says try and work on it and if it gets no where then I have to think about me and my son and what best for us but I don't know sometimes

talaniman · Sep 17, 2010, 03:26 PM

There is no shame in needing help. That's what's best for you and your kids.

Jake2008 · Sep 18, 2010, 06:26 AM

I would say that it's time to lay down the law. No household can thrive on resentment, anger, frustration and chaos, regardless of who brings in the bacon.

Children need to be parented. If your husband thinks that putting in his 8 hours a day, then playing video games when he gets home, essentially dialing out, is okay, it is because you have low, or no, expectations.

If your children are running the house with their attitude, and nobody is stepping up to correct that attitude, you can accept more of the same. Kids aren't going to voluntarily decide to help out and clean up their mess if they don't have to, they are just kids.

In the meantime, I would insist on marriage counselling, even if just to establish that, regardless of who brings in the income, it takes TWO parents to keep on top of the demands of raising a family. Most of what counts doesn't revolve around the almighty dollar. Discipline, routines, chores, behaviour limits and consequences, respect. These are things that you signed up for when you decided to do this full time. Having children and raising them means having your husband on the same page. He needs to put down the game controller, and change a few diapers.

If you can get into counselling and get eachothers expectations out there, and work on compromise, and forge a united front, your job will be that muc easier. Your kids will be happier and healthier, and your husband will likely enjoy less stress, less arguing, and a happier family all the way around.

Decide on things together, like consequences for bad behaviour in the kids, and chores. There are always age appropriate chores that kids of any age are capable of, do a little research online. Agree to a plan together to get everybody working on the family as a whole. You can seek out parenting classes with other parents in the same boat, and gain knowledge and confidence to bring some order to your life, and your families lives as well.

The longer you allow bad behaviour to rule your life,the longer it will go on, and get worse. Unchecked behaviour in 8 year olds will result unchecked behaviour in 15 year olds, and by then, it will be unbelieveably difficult to correct.

Set some expectations, line up support, and take charge. Nobody, including children, can take advantage of you without your consent.

dustynmom · Sep 18, 2010, 06:40 AM

Oh I believe in everything you say and I agree and I have set the law down but no one wants to listen to me that's why I'm not sure if this is really worth it all. I've suggested so many options that work for as all but no one wants to follow through on it but me when I punish the kids for talking back or not listening or not picking up their own toys my husband steps in and yells and says wait a minute give them a chance if they don't do it within an hour or something then punish them I just don't know what else to do.

DoulaLC · Sep 18, 2010, 06:40 AM

Set up the counseling yourself since he is not making the effort.
Since he feels you are in charge of running the household, run it.

Discuss with him how things need to change, children need to learn to be respectful and have manners, get his input, have a family meeting about the changes, and hold everyone to it. Chores get divided according to ability... with dad getting a share as well.

Find incentives for the kids... some simple chores are expected simply as part of being a family... rewards, allowance, TV or game time, special outing, etc. can be earned. Set a time limit for the kids. Give them a choice when possible... this can be done first and then you can watch TV, or after this show is over, it will be time to take care of the chore. If said chore is not done, or there is whinging about doing it, have a consequence in place and let them know you are sure they will make a better choice next time they have a chore to do.

It takes time to change habits, so expect some backsliding, but stay consistent with everyone.