[mystrangelife]

Sorry for the long post. I've never posted on a forum before but the way I'm feeling just makes me want to let it all out. I've talked to friends obviously and they've been incredibly supportive.
I'm 41 with 2 kids and my girlfriend is 28. We met at work several years ago. I was married and there was never any feelings between us. My wife and I separated in August 2009. It was mutual and the right thing to do. We had both fallen out of love with each other and neither of us really wanted it any more. We were together for 10 years, married for 3. I've always seen the kids often, they stay at mine 3 nights a week and I have a good relationship with the ex.
Anyway, after my separation I started getting close to this girl through working closely on a number of projects and events at work. We got together soon after I separated. As we'd got to know each other I'd explained my situation with the kids etc. She lived close by to where I'd moved to and basically we started seeing each other all the time though we both made the effort to see friends. Both of us were in love. I think looking back on it I started to do everything round the place and sort of “took charge� (I guess that's the dad in me). She'd had a very difficult time in her teens. Her Mum died horribly of cancer (quickly and painfully) when she was 15 and her father and rest of the family just didn't know how to cope with her. She went a bit wild and learnt to look after herself. Previous relationships of hers had been rather pointless and she'd always felt lonely and uncared for before she met me. She even said that I'd ruined her for any other man because no one would ever match up to me. I think I overcompensated for her bad experiences and while not being over the top I arranged the odd weekend away, took her out etc which she really appreciated.
She went to Thailand for 5 weeks back in April and we had considered ending it then as she wanted to go back and spend the summer with her family when she got back. She persuaded me that we had a future. We texted, emailed and talked and I think it brought us even closer together and it was a pretty idyllic few days when she got back.
As things progressed we both decided that we should introduce her to my kids which happened a couple of months ago. We've taken it very slowly thank god given the circumstances and luckily the kids haven't become attached to her. They've see her maybe 4 or 5 times. We also decided to move in together. I was living in a 1 bed flat and I needed to get a better place for the kids and somewhere we (my girlfriend and I) could call a home. She had just got a new job and she would be away (not far) living at a friends 3 nights a week. It seemed a good arrangement because the kids could have me to themselves during the wee and see her at the weekends when they stayed.
On a Friday we moved in. On Tuesday she says she's not sure what she wants! Now, I'm not naïve and we've talked about how big a deal moving in, meeting my kids is but she seemed so sure. She wants a break to be able to think about whether I'm what she wants, she feels we haven't connected in the last couple of months and she's lost her independence and the idea of moving in has freaked her out. That was a week and a half ago. We talked endlessly for a few days, going round in circles and upsetting each other. She says she can't bear to never see me again. Obviously I'm incredibly hurt and scared that it's over. She had to go back and collect some other stuff from her dads and she stayed there for 4 days. We'd arranged a day and time when she'd phone. We didn't contact each other for 4 days which actually wasn't difficult. After we talked she seemed calmer (so was I) and it seemed to me that, while she still didn't know what she wants, she has started to think about it. She says she doesn't want it to end but needs some space.
I've told her I'm willing to work on our relationship but it sounds to me that's only a small part of the problem.
She's coming over in a few hours to collect her stuff and move it to the new place near her work and we'll talk. She told me not to take the fact that she's moving all her stuff out as anything other than she wants everything of hers at one place as it's always been scattered over various places for the last year. Not sure I believe that. Don't know what to say to her.
I'm just not sure what to think. Having read numerous posts on this site it seems to me that the best thing would just be to make a clean break, NC. Unfortunately, I can't bear the thought of losing her and hope that she'll realise that I am what she wants.

[eightzeros]

I would suggest to have hope in life & wonders that it can bring. You are a father of 2 beautiful children, why not devoting your attention to them? They must have had a difficult time adjusting to you & your wife's separation & then adjusting to your girl friend & your new place. You can't fall out of hope because it would affect your children & you wouldn't like one of your child growing up insecure.

Your girl friend is 28 & she is trying to see what kind of life she would want for herself. This is natural & a growing up process. Taking away her things from your place & wanting space might unfortunately mean that she wants to get out.

So, why not diverting your attention in giving a good environment to your children & why not spending time with them? Why not planning a good surprise for them? Getting them a pet? Why not spending some time at the gym? Or involving yourself in some new hobby? After all you need to give some attention to yourself too. Let your girl friend experience life on her own. If it is you what she wants, her actions will show. I wish you a good life!

[mystrangelife]

Thanks for taking the time to respond.

Yes, my children are my saving grace and always will be in my life. Can't help but smile and feel positive when they're around. And yes I will concentrate on them, not that I haven't concentrated on them. I've always put them first and that was why I've been very cautious in introducing them to her. They've also had to adjust to my wife's new relationship.

I've got a couple of family trips planned which they (and I) are really looking forward to.

Maybe I always knew this was going to happen. She is 28 and needs to be truly understand what she wants (well, at least as much as anyone can be sure). It may be that this is a long journey for her and our relationship was the beginning of it. And to be honest it may be the same for me, first relationship after separating from wife. It was nice to feel loved/appreciated after months/years of not having that.

I've always had a positive outlook on life, I've always know everything would be OK no matter what. That's been a bit shaken now but I know that it's still true. I'm a glass half full type and I think she's a glass half empty. Maybe I thought I could change that. Stupid I know.

Time to be strong I suppose. Doesn't seem that easy unfortunately!

[eightzeros]

Many congratulations on planning family trip with your children. It is great that you are there for them.

You have seen life more than your girl friend & you have been in & out of love too. It is nice to feel wanted or loved but it is even greater to give it away unconditionally (like a parent's love to her/his children). You & your girl friend are adults and can take care of themselves & will surely find love at one point or the other.

[mystrangelife]

Yep. I know what it feels like to love and be loved and to lose it. Don't think she's ever had that until I came along.

I know it's time to look after myself and not worry about her and what her life might be like but caring deeply about her, I seem to worry about whether she'll be OK. Strange. Guess that's about my positive outlook. I know I'll be OK. Won't be easy but I will so I don't need to worry about myself. Think I also find it hard to bear the thought of her sharing things with someone else in the future. Things she used to share with me.

I'm looking forward to seeing her later, though I'm not sure what it's going to be like.

[mystrangelife]

Well, she came round to pick up her stuff. We talked a bit, around in circles really though it got quite emotional, not in a "don't do this" sort of way but discussing all the things we'd got out of the relationship and how it's made us feel while it was all working. No point talking about the hurt. I've started to feel like I've already begun to let go of that.

She said she didn't know what to do for the best so I told her what we needed to do for the best. No contact. She agreed. I did also say that if at some point she realised I was what she wanted she'd have to take the chance and contact me but that I wasn't hanging round waiting for her. I doubt that will happen and I'm not hanging out for it. Probably shouldn't have said it but couldn't stop myself.

We said goodbye and wished each other well. There's no reason for us to see each other again, different towns, no mutual friends to talk of. Strangely, I felt a huge sense of relief that a decsion had been made. Still feel a terrible ache when I think about her though and I think the no contact thing will be hard but doable. Need to stop thinking about what she's up to and worrying about whether she's OK and start concentrating on me.

I've started thinking about the things I've either put on hold while we were together or thing I've always wanted to do.

So, I went out for a 10k run. Very helpful. Haven't done it for months.
Give up cigarrettes (again!)
Starting a yoga class tonight. Something I've always wanted to do. Happens to be directly opposite my house!
Tuned my guitar with the idea of learing some songs to play for the kids. Haven't picked it up in years.
Went to see a solicitor about various aspects of my marriage by way of concluding that. It's something I've wanted to sort out for a while.
Looking into starting a martial art. Again something I've wanted to do forever. Just got to decide on one.

I've lost a stone (about 6ish Kilos) over this. Almost down to my ideal weight! Just got to keep it off now.