[periwinkle886]

I am 23 and my boyfriend is 33. We've been dating for 8 months. I was a virgin when we first met, so he is my first partner. Here's my thing: when we have sex it's just that - sex. I have always believed there is sex and then there is making love. Does anybody agree that there is a difference? I have never been made love to, only had sex - which I have to initiate or else it never happens. I will wear sexy underwear, etc. but he never initiates sex. I feel like there is something missing - he just doesn't give me the affection and love in the bedroom that I desire. Does anybody else have this problem? Is there a way I can fix it? If I stay with him it breaks my heart to think I will never experience slow, love-making that involves more than just the basics.

[smoothy]

At 33 he should have learned better by now.

I think you see all you are going to see from this guy. Yeah he MIGHT learn better, but some people just don't have a passionate bone in their body. Sometimes it's a guy, sometimes it's a woman.

[lauraisaqt]

Talk to him about it a maybe he will be better,watch movies with the kind of love making you want and make little comments here and there that tells him that's what you want,some men are just clueless!! good luck

[kp2171]

Yes, there is a difference.

And, unfortunately, it isn't that simple.

For one thing... not every woman wants the same thing, responds to the same thing, desires the same thing. Yes... there can be common themes... but I promise you this... what one lover absolutely loved and needed in bed... the next one HATED.

She had her own ritual. Her own needs. Her own patterns and wants.

There is no one user manual.

So this means you need to know yourself. If you don't know what you need, you probably at least know what doesn't work. And you need to lobby for change. You need to ask for different. Demand more. Or less. Or whatever.

But... it means your sexuality answers to nobody but you. The man in your bed... he doesn't get a free pass. To be a giving lover means to listen to your partner, to being open to ideas, and to being able to talk about struggles without it being "personal" or attacking.

I commonly throw into my posts the "you need to get into her head before you get into her pants" line... and its just that.. a line people respond to.

But there is so much truth in it. The best orgasms are when you are released from all the distractions around you and you are fully engaged in the moment. The best sex is often when the orgasm is really just a bonus added on to an incredible experience... and that experience is tied to losing oneself in the moment and feeling connected.

I can get myself off easily. I'm the easiest lay I've ever known. But that's not what I want, when given a choice most of the time. I want some connection to another person. Quid pro quo.

So...

Its not all that complicated and then again it is.

You need to find your voice sexually. Of all the ways I've learned about sex and sensuality, the most important, when it came to being a giving lover, came from women who were willing to put me to the wall. To speak about what they needed and craved. Who'd leave any man who ignored their pleas.

Good sex often takes work. Sometimes things just magically mesh. Often, it takes work. Now, or down the line when the "new sex" shine wears off.

I think good sex is a mixture of what you desire and what you struggle with. I think its great to sometimes tell your partner "it is all about you" and to step back and focus on him. And I think you deserve the same... even if you need to talk to him about it. At some point, if a lover just isn't willing to listen to your needs and wants... then you know he is just in it for himself and if you continue to have sex with him, you know what you get.

So walk two lines at once. One, knowing you are new to this and might need some time to adjust to what sex and love mean... and the second, knowing that less experience does not negate your need for attention that you need.

If you aren't having fun with sex, you need to step back and really think about what is missing, and then talk to your partner. A partner who is not open to talking to you about sex is not right for you.

[RiderX]

Me and my girlfriend are the complete opposite of you two and I completely understand where your coming from. I want it like that and I want her to do sexy things for me, But I want her to want that stuff back from me and we have talked about it, but we need to talk more in depth again about it. You have to be able to communicate in a relationship. You should both want to do amazing things to one another and that's where you will find the love making. I have experienced what you mean a couple times and its unexplainable how great it feels. Like the other commenters said everything seems to disappear around you and it's great, but talk to him! You guys need to know what each other want in a relationship and if he don't want what you want or want to do what you would like I would step back and re think your relationship:) Good luck with everything!