[Kristy40]

My boyfriend of over 1 year has got a friend. She is female and lives on the other side of the country. Just recently his "friend" broke up with her boyfriend and starting e-mailing my boyfriend. Anyway, I came across some e-mails in which I am not comfortable with...

Comments such as "wish I was there to help you", maybe you should come see me in Europe" (my boyfriend travels a lot to europe and never once asked me to come visit him) In the e-mail he never mentions me or that we moved in together or the fact he moved to the same town as me. We were in a long distance relationship previous to that. Besides that also, his " (my boyfriend travels a lot to europe and never once asked me to come visit him) In the e-mail he never mentions me or that we moved in together or the fact he moved to the same town as me. We were in a long distance relationship previous to that. Besides that also, his " made a comment about... "if we're lucky, maybe we can meet in person" made a comment about ..."xo". Is this normal with guy-girl relationships? Am I just totally crazy for being uncomfortable with this kind of communication? I feel something is up. I did ask him about it and he turned the whole thing around and attacked me.

Please, honest feedback. Also, really don't need to hear that I shouldn't have read his e-mails! Thanks!

[Tuscany]

Is she a friend that he has had a relationship with in the past?

[Kristy40]

He said no, just always been friends and she's helped him through hard times. I really didn't get that feeling when I asked him about it in person, nor in the e-mails. I suspecting maybe not a relationship, but a fling.

[phillysteakandcheese]

Is this the only thing about your boyfriend that you don't trust him on?

If he has shown himself to be untrustworthy in other ways, you might be on to something. His defensive reaction to you asking about it is telling. He may be feeling guilty about his letters, and over-reacted himself when asked.

Certainly, if you can't talk about this with him, you have a sure sign that your relationship is not as strong as you may have thought.

[ordinaryguy]

Then, in all the e-mail he sent to her he signs off "xo". Is this normal with guy-girl relationships?

Yeah, it's normal when a guy's wooing a girl.

Am I just totally crazy for being uncomfortable with this kind of communication?

No, you'd be crazy NOT to be uncomfortable.

I feel something is up.

Probably because something is up.

I did ask him about it and he turned the whole thing around and attacked me.

More evidence that something is up.

Please, honest feedback. Also, really don't need to hear that I shouldn't have read his e-mails! Thanks!

If you weren't willing to face the truth, you shouldn't have read them. If you are willing to face the truth, it's fine. The truth is, he's trying to cheat on you. Are you willing to face it and deal with it? What are you going to do about it?

[Kristy40]

Thanks for the input everyone...

To answer Phillysteakand cheese: There has been no unusual behavior in the past. He seems to thrive on attention from other woman, and LOVES to flirt. That part doesn't bother me, however, I am concerened about these particular e-mails... I don't know whether to "stick" around and monitor the situation or make a move out of this relationship. Is this enough reason for me to end a 15 month relationship? He seemed to really defend there friendship and basically said that it's my problem.

Aghhhhhhh! Help!

[talaniman]

Back off with the confrontations ,but be more observant and objective about his actions. You need to know in your own mind what direction this relationship will take and why he is defensive about these emails. Truthfully, I smell a rat, but you are the only one to decide what actions you take.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Usually when people are defensive, it is because they have something to hide but not always. Be careful how you deal with the situation! Everything is not always black and white but I do agree with tal in that something is not right here.

[Kristy40]

Hey everyone,
Thank you for your feeback. I read a lot of the advice you give out to others and you have some really great things to say.

I am finding my decision quite difficult and I'm asking myself, do I throw away this relationship over this? Hmmm? If I don't it'll be very difficult for me to know what he is up to when travelling to Europe, my lack of trust will eventually distroy this.

Thanks again, much appreciated.

[Fr_Chuck]

I believe me, being sometimes stupid creatures, and then too often driven by hormones, cross a lot of proper lines without knowing it, and not "meaning" to.

Obviously this girl has a lot more in mind, than a friendship and your boyfriend is not shutting it off or down, I would ask him why you were not mentioned and why he is signing off with XO ( which is totally improper in my book)

This just means that he does not see a problem at a level of internet flirting, but if there is a problem that you don't like it, he should understand it, and keep his emails very upfront and non boyfriend level.

I mean when I answer you here I am not telling you to meet me in TN or singing off with XO and so on. There is formal and proper ways of doing things, he crossed it, does not mean he is cheating or planning on cheating, but in star war terms, he is heading for the dark side, and if does not mean he will turn but it does mean he does not have you on his mind when he is emailing her.

[s_cianci]

I share your suspicions. I smell a rat. Tell him exactly how you feel and that this isn't right as far as you're concerned. You maybe ought to prepare yourself to take a break from him for a while. That may light a fire under him and get him to clean up his act and lay off this other friend from clear across the country. If it doesn't then that may be your cue that it's time to move on.

[s2tp]

I agree with Chuck. His actions give reason to be wary, but I wouldn't throw the whole thing out on this. Talking to your boyfriend and letting him know where your boundaries are as far as flirting going... signing off as XO and not telling this other girl he is LIVING with a GF of 15 months... well it sound like he is leading her on. Maybe he's just doing it for the attention, but if he is not feeling enough attention from you then if he does go to Europe, I doubt he will let things stop with emails. He may meet up with her, flirt, and in the end he may think she is what he wants... cause she is new, more attention... whatever.

My thought as far as staying with him, well you say you are understanding of his flirting and you accept that as part of him. I am concerned with the idea that your attention is not enough for him. That makes me get the idea that he has a wandering eye... but maybe I am just not hearing you correctly.

In the end you need to decide if you can trust him if he does go to Europe. Right now it doesn't sounds like you do, and I wouldn't either. His actions are fishy, on top of getting angry about it... that to me is a tell-tale sign that he is hiding something and not willing to give it up. Ive been there, felt that... and when it came down to it I figured out I was not as into the relationship as I thought I was..

Best of Luck!

[Kristy40]

Thank you guys! You're feedback is great! I am really starting to see my situation more clear and have a stronger mind set. I'm really glad I found this website :)