[kizzy1]

Hi,am really nervous about writing this and I'm really sorry its so long but I feel like I am going out of my mind!

I have been with my husband since 2002, married since 2008. He is perhaps the kindest, and nicest man I have ever met and is my best friend, we are really good together but I cannot shake my feelings for someone from my past (let's call him E) and it is potentially ruining everything we have together and I feel out of control.

I met E when I was 11 and he was 10 at a sports activity club that our parents were members of. We became best friends and living at opposite ends of the country, only meeting up for half a dozen weekends a year, we would write to each other. Our friendship lasted throughout our teens until I was 16 and he was 15 and suddenly everything changed. We fooled around and then both freaked out about what we had done to our friendship. Six months later I was involved in an accident which I was lucky to survive and spent several weeks in hospital. I didn't hear from him for another six months when he out of the blue apologised profusely and declared that he loved me and had just struggled to get his head around everything that had happened. We started dating long distance and I made the decision to forgive him, despite the fact that I had felt so let down by him, even as a friend.

We dated but it became awkward and was very obvious that he just wasn't ready- I was far more mature at that stage and after the final visit, we both let it die and moved on. I have always been close to his Mum, and I remember her saying to me, 'he's just too young for you' (funnily enough hubby is 10 years my senior!)

So we had a couple of years apart with little or no contact, then we met up at an activity weekend and ended up spending the night together which felt totally natural and right. The next day I said it couldn't happen again though- I think I didn't want to risk him hurting me again, and I could see that he still wasn't 'old enough' for the type of relationship I wanted.

The next year I met my now husband. He also joined the club and therefore met E and became friends with him too. E & I had a chat and agreed we'd be mates and to move on. When the guest list was drawn up for the wedding, we had another chat, asking if it would be weird for him to be there, given that we have so many mutual friends. He said he'd like to come, h2b was happy for him to come, so we invited him.

In the months coming up to the wedding I started to feel differently when I was around E but put it down to cold feet and wedding planning stress. He'd also started seeing a girl that he seemed really happy and committed to. Hubby and I practically stopped having sex- maybe only once every couple of months and I found myself thinking about E a lot. At the wedding E asked for a dance with the bride- that dance is one of the major memories of my wedding days I am ashamed to admit.

I was not brave enough to speak out and was too worried about saving face to pull out of the wedding, especially for some mixed up feelings that had gone nowhere and given that I knew I would never find a man as kind as my hubby to be.

3 months after the wedding E & me were at the same activity and hubby was ill so didn't go. We socialised together and then, along with another friend piled into his room and shared a bottle of port. We all collapsed and slept on the bed. We did nothing but there had been a tension, both when dancing earlier in the evening and when we slept next to each other.

Over the following months we had a couple of late night conversations where we sort of talked about the past and the fact that nothing could ever happen, and about how he loved his girlfriend. It was left that if anyone had a problem, it was me and I should get over it, it was just feelings leftover from another time. They were not easy conversations and we both argued, cried and clammed up in turn- he finds it hard to open up and we both can be quite fiery.

A month later he brought his girlfriend along. I felt sick the entire weekend but was really pleasant and nice to her. He acted so differently around me that weekend, even with the difficult conversations we'd had, in front of hubby and all our friends we were friendly and spent a lot of time together, but he spent the weekend completely fawning over her and I hated it. I drank to block it out and made myself really ill.

Exactly a year after the first sharing a room thing, and 3 months after meeting the girlfriend we did again, although this time he fell asleep on my bed. Again we did nothing terrible, didn't even kiss, but he did sleep with his arms around me. The following morning we hugged and said goodbye in front of his Mum as if nothing had changed.

To bring us up to date, two weeks ago I saw him for the first time since then (a gap of about 7 months). He had said he'd keep in touch (as a friend) but had ignored my occasional emails and I suppose I took that personally and had decided to give him the cold shoulder when I saw him. I was a bit cooler with him than usual when we met and eventually he came over and asked if I was ignoring him. We then had another argument, about something really silly but in front of everyone. We later made up and apologised but then decided to talk through some club business with some other guys which got heated and he felt got at so we went and sat in his tent to calm him down. Therefore we were in his tent, just the two of us with a party going on around us full of our friends and family and my hubby and then there was a moment and we kissed. He the started to say no and stop it but carried on kissing me. Then he started saying all this stuff about the past and also how it was so screwed up, that he'd watched me saying my vows, still kissing me. We narrowly escaped being caught when one of our friends burst in to join us.

We rejoined the party but once everyone had gone to bed, I did the worst thing possible and went back to his tent. We then didn't really talk and just started doing stuff, we were just about to actually do the deed when he freaked and stopped and said he couldn't go through with it. I felt really rejected, it being so far down the line, but also was freaked out with what had, and nearly had, happened, especially as anyone could have caught us/heard us, it was really really stupid for so many reasons.

The next morning he acted like nothing had happened. Eventually when we had a minute alone I asked if we were OK and he said we ought to wipe it from our memories and act like it had never happened, he also said it was stupid and risky and was merely something left over from the past etc, but he was much more in the present in what he said the night before. I agreed but later after we'd left I texted him and said I wasn't OK. He replied asking 'what did I want him to say'. I felt so rejected yet again, whilst still feeling really sick about what I'd done to my beautiful, lovely husband.

I feel so confused- I think maybe I always thought we'd end up together when he grew up enough, but at 27 he's obviously still not there, and anyway has a serious gf- he said it was 'implied' that he'd marry her, whatever that means! The stupid thing is I think we are almost too similar to make it work anyway and yet I really do love him- I did ten years ago, and I do now, and I can't imagine ever not loving him. I think his Mum knows although she'd never admit it.

We can't cut each other out of our lives due to the links we have with friends and family and to be honest I don't want to. Whenever hubby or our friends have witnessed mine and E's arguments and friendly sarcasm they've always said we're like brother and sister but that's not how I feel at all.

So does he love me?
Is he worth it?
Am I pursuing this with someone who doesn't want to know, or is he just better at control than me?
Can I make a go of a marriage with someone I love dearly but do not feel passionately about?
I'm even avoiding the idea of children, terrified that it'll either block my escape or totally ruin a family if I leave.
I can't afford to leave anyway, and hubby although totally sorted now made a couple of suicide attempts several years before I met him- his friends always say stuff about how good I am for him, and how they've never seen him happier- I couldn't live with myself if he went downhill because of me.

Please help, I am so confused and in pain with all this, its affecting every minute of every day.

[answerme_tender]

Obviously you are not really in love with your husband. Your just using your husband as an option when E rejects you yet again!! At least give him enough respect to allow him to actually find a woman that will love him and be faithful to him.

You are wasting your time and feelings for this E fellow. He doesn't love you, heck he doesn't even want you enough to have sex with you when you basically are throwing it at him.
Its time to get your priorities together for yourself. You maybe very mature in other areas of your life, but when comes to being faithful you still need some work. I don't mean to sound harsh, but your hurting a man for someone who doesn't even return your feelings.

[talaniman]

I agree you are very confused and the pain is of your own making. You must think this fantasy of yours is real, and healthy, but it is far from it, as the thrill, danger, and intrigue, cannot hide the fact that you are crossing lines of good behavior, and justifying it with flights of romance, and fantasy, when its actually you being a cheating, lying, deceitful wife, living a dual life that you can't give up.Those are the facts, and what's most disgusting is how you so easily keep putting yourself in these positions, clearly driven by your lust, and his willingness.

This is the worst kind of friendship possible, and depends on lies, deceit, and deception to even survive. He has more control because, you are a careless fool, who would ruin everything for love (lust), but your whole character is selfish, and blind. Had you put as much dedication, and passion to your husband, as you do to your fantasy lover, you would have something you don't have now, loyalty, and some common sense.

Your husband doesn't deserve such disrespect, and you don't deserve any respect for your husband, NONE at all, and until you see what a deluded idiot that you are, you will continue to have life, and BS all mixed up.

You can change if you want to, and grow up. Or you can drown in your own sh@t!!

Completely your choice. You do not have to be confused, and on a tightrope.

[Kitkat22]

Leave your husband while he's still young enough to find someone who truly loves him. You are in lust and heat with E and your husband deserves better.

E isn't going to want you either so get ready to be by yourself
Until the next sucker comes along.

This may be harsh but I have no tolerance for people who cheat on their spouses.

[Shadowburn]

Ok, cut him out of your life NOW. It's not like you can't, you just don't want to. But let me tell you, you are holding on to a very dangerous fantasy.

No, he doesn't love you - he had all the opportunities on Earth to be with you, and what he did with them? He has a serious girlfriend that he's planning to marry (there is nothing "implied' about it, either he wants to do it or not, no one holds gun to his head).

And no, he is not worth it. He let you down painfully numerous times already. Do you want to find out the really hard way he hasn't changed and will do it again? Are you willing to lose devoted, kind and committed husband - over this unresolved childhood memory of what could have, shouda, would have?

Please take a really serious look at your life and get your priorities straight. Put an honest effort in making your marriage work. If all fails, get divorce and make yourself available to meet people who actually have something to offer you. Because this guy you're pining for and willing to ruin your life for, obviously doesn't.

Good luck.

[kizzy1]

Wow, that's a reality check and a half. Thank you all for your honesty, I feel I've been repeatedly punched in the stomach, but figure I undoubtedly deserve it. You are helping me to think more clearly. I think maybe I need to come back and read this thread whenever I waver.

I think I have spent a long time feeling like E had some sort of prior claim on me, like eventually we'd get the fairytale. I know I am risking everything for nothing, I fly between desperately wanting to be rid of these feelings and desperately wanting him- and given how insane I've been around him, I'm surprised he's not cut me out long before now! His words and actions have not always matched, why's he not running scared if I'm such a predator, maybe I'm just some ego prop for him?

I know I am playing a dangerous game, but I honestly think I make my husband happy- he seems content and loved and I work hard to make it so, honestly I do. It's just me that's not happy I think. He's not stupid though, and I do wonder if he has ever suspected anything- I have always told him about the chats, and the sleeping in the same room, just not the physical stuff or the total content of the chats. His response was either to jokingly scold me or say something like 'you two!- he's never been openly jealous and is friendly with E.

Sometimes I wonder if I just want E to want me more than I want him, to feel in control of it, I hate that I'm so pathetically obsessed. I warned him over a year ago that I would probably manipulate the situation if I could, that he should cut me out, but he refused, gave me a hug, told me to stop being so daft, that we would always be there for each other, whatever happened and then put our names down to share a night shift on the guard gate. i.e. the two of us sat there together all night. Where do you go from there?

I know (somewhat ironically) he is obsessed with not becoming like his father (who had an affair and ran off with his mistress, breaking up the family) but I never wanted to be this person either- my family was filled with affairs too, and I saw first hand what it did, so I don't understand my behaviour either, I've somehow managed to twist it into believing its not being as bad as it obviously is, telling myself that its so specific, that its not as if I'm running off to try and sleep with just anyone.

He emailed me today, just being friendly about details for the next club meet up, asking me for some advice. I didn't know what to do after reading your comments, but I know I'll get an 'are you ignoring me' email if I don't answer soon- how do I explain the cutting him out to my husband and our friends, to his Mum and even to him?

I really do want to sort this out and be a better person, and not treat the one good person in my life so badly. Thanks guys xxx

[mystific]

Well really what is there to explain.. Fling < Husband.

What is it about the sanctity of marriage these days and the inability to be able to focus on what's under your own roof rather than focusing on what's under someone else's?

My god, what 1/3 of women in the world would give for a man who is so adoringly in love with you.. who 'completely' understands exactly where you stand with a male friend, unbeknowingly to him, you've messed around with. Two faced much?

However, have you ever thought about what is running through your husbands mind. Im sorry but there would have been a time.. no matter how 'open' and 'honest' you've been that it wouldn't of crossed his mind that a hand may of strayed.. I mean come on.. men are in my opinion extremely (loosely termed) possesive of their mates, I'd like one man to put his hand up and say 'why yes I don't mind my wife sleeping in the bed with another man even though nothing happened' because she said so. Seriously? No matter how committed a man and woman are together.. there will have been a nagging thought there.. but that's OK.. you keep at it.. I think you're doing an absolutely superb job of planting that forest all on your lonesome.

Get a grip.. I think your husband is just very smart.. keep digging.. I just don't think you've dug far enough yet.

[silverlining]

You know the saying.. "the grass is always greener on the other side".. I think that's what's happening in your case..

You have never been in a proper relationship with E.. For all you know he would be a terrible partner. I think you should realise a good thing when you have it.. You don't want to be back here a year or 2 from now asking advice on how to get your husband back..

[answerme_tender]

Let us know how you feel when your husband gets a real clue and starts thinking the grass is greene on the otherside. Im sure you will show just as much understanding has he has with your little control issue. Listen you are still trying to justify your inappropriate feelings for a man who isn't your husband. There are some really descent people on here and what they tell everyone who is having problem letting go is "NO CONTACT" you might want to start there and really begin getting yourself worth back!! Good luck