[Dro12]

I found texts on my boyfriends phone recently from a girl he works with and found out that he had slept with her twice when they were working away together. He told me that it was the biggest regret of his life and that the only reason he kept txting her was because he was scared that she would tell me if he didn't. We were going through a really bad patch in our 3 year relationship and I know this was part of the cause. I have also heard that she is the kind of girl who would have done this and is a well known home wrecker. I truly believe that he is sorry and that he won't hurt me again as it was totally out of character for him and have been working things out.

The only problem is that he has to keep going away for work with this girl and my paranoia is driving me crazy. Deep down I don't believe that anything is going on and I know that he loves me. How can I stop driving myself crazy with this? I can't bear it and he has to go away for work or he will get the sack and we can't afford that. I'm really struggling to cope!

[talaniman]

Its not easy to restore the trust, but now that you know what has happened he has no reason to text her any more. As for the two of you, you either have faith, and slowly regain the trust, or set each other free, to heal and rebuild yourselves.

Its not an easy thing to do granted, whether you stay or go. Its is something that you both will do together, or apart.

[Jake2008]

That's a tough position to be in.

I'm wondering how recently their sleeping together was. And how recently the texts were, and what the context of their conversations was.

If I were to believe him, he would have had a lot more credibility in ending the relationship with her, entirely. He would have told her that it was over, and that other than work, there would be no contact whatsoever.

Then he should have told you exactly that.

But, up until you found out, he still had a relationship with her, apparently, based on the fear that she is so powerful that she controls him to a point where he is being blackmailed.

Sorry, I don't buy it. He is blaming his relationship with her, on nonsense. She could very well be a homewrecker as you say, or she sleeps around, or she's a controlling evil person, but that is not the point.

SHE did not cause him to cheat, he did that on his own. She did not cause him to respond to her texts- he did that on his own too. She did not threaten to tell you if he didn't continue the relationship, or the relationship with her would have ended- so what's in it for her if she tells.

Had he done the right thing, and had been honest about what he did, under his own steam, without putting the blame on the woman he decided to sleep with, then I would have some inkling to consider his confession to be honest. From there I would also assume his remorse was also genuine.

But, he has not been honest. It was only you finding out about her, that caused him to 'confess', which wasn't an assumption of guilt with responsibility; he has only given you excuses, where he has put the blame every which way but on his own conscience.

He is truly sorry though- that he got caught.

A 'rough patch' in a solid relationship is not solved by having an affair by the way. This is not in any way, shape, or form, your responsibility. You did not contribute to his decisions to have an affair, anymore than the woman he slept with.

He did what he did, and until he takes full responsibility, I wouldn't give him the time of day.

[Shadowburn]

He is not being completely truthful with you, and I don't buy that she blackmailed him to stay in contact with her. Sounds more that he liked to have a little extra on his business trips.

I'd be very uncomfortable with him still going away with her.

[jmjoseph]

Now that you know about this other girl, he can cut out the texts to her, right?

Make no mistake, he is responsible for his own actions. Do you really think that this woman's main objective was to spilt the two of you up?

He is obviously causing you to be suspicious, thus the text snooping.

He just "regrets" getting caught.

If he is still communicating with her, AND going on trips with her, then he's still playing house on the road with her.

He is a cheater who's playing you like a fiddle.

Find a mate who respects you enough to be faithful to you.

[I wish]

First off, I hope that he stopped texting this girl as he no longer has an excuse to do so.

As for regaining your trust, that's in his shoes. He's the one who broke your trust, so he's going to have to work hard to regain it.

As for you, if you choose to forgive him for all his past deeds, then leave that in the past. If you can't move on from the past, then maybe you haven't really forgiven him in the first place.

Find the root of your concerns so that you can tackle it properly.

[BMI]

I see the trust side; However, I am in agreement with much of the above who suggest this dude is playing you. This based on the fact that, well the story, and we think like guys because some of us here are guys.

Two things I've noticed. Firstly, it is very interesting and quite common on these boards to see the victim admitting fault for the victimizers actions. Such as, some of it was my fault because I was too pushy, too bossy, etc. I think that is such garbage and is used to justify staying with a person because the alternative is too difficult. I mean what type of precedent is being set here? Oh I was angry so I cheated on you but only because it was your fault I became angry? Nonsense, one can find a whole cornucopia of reasons to blame a 'mistake on'. As for the 'biggest mistake of my life' line, perhaps, but only if this involved you leaving and this gentleman had time to reflect on what it is he did wrong. Usually a long process in my experience. Otherwise it's the biggest mistake of his life represented to you and a high five from his friends as represented to them. More than not the latter is true.

Secondly, what steps has he taken to correct the'biggest mistake of his life'? Has he called her in your presence to tell her same? Have you any assurances that this cannot happen again, other than his solid as oak word? Consider that you are indeed the most important thing in his life, would that not suggest he would do not just about, but anything to prevent this happening again. Even if it means getting a new job (drastic agreed but point made), telling the boss he cannot go with her on trips, etc. If you have only his word and trust him that much than unfortunetely I think your setting yourself up for another blast of dissappointment. Let me ask you this, you say you trust he'd never do it again, did you think he'd do it in the first place? I'd wager not.

The best way is never the easiest but it is the best.

[silverlining]

I'm going to begin with.. ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER.

He is not upset that it happened he's upset that you found out! Think about it.. If you haven't would it really have stopped? I think not.. I know because unfortunately I have been on both sides of this situation. You can read my posts if you like..

You saying that this girl is a 'home wrecker' ,so her only objective is to break you guys up? Lol please! He is playing you for a fool.. Why do girls always believe what they want to believe. No one forced him to cheat! HE made the decision to sleep with her.. Not once but twice!!

I'm sorry but I feel like you need a wake up call.. Obviously you love him and you want to believe that he will never do it again but how much does he love you if he did it in the first place..

Once the trust is gone that's it.. How are you ever going to trust this guy again? I agree with the above that he needs to show a bit more remorse and take actual steps to at least try and regain your trust again if that's even possible..

[jmjoseph]

I found txts on my boyfriends phone recently from a girl he works with and found out that he had slept with her twice when they were working away together. He told me that it was the biggest regret of his life and that the only reason he kept txting her was because he was scared that she would tell me if he didn't. We were going through a really bad patch in our 3 year relationship and I know this was part of the cause. I have also heard that she is the kind of girl who would have done this and is a well known home wrecker. I truly believe that he is sorry and that he won't hurt me again as it was totally out of character for him and have been working things out.

The only problem is that he has to keep going away for work with this girl and my paranoia is driving me crazy. Deep down I don't believe that anything is going on and I know that he loves me. How can I stop driving myself crazy with this? I can't bear it and he has to go away for work or he will get the sack and we can't afford that. I'm really struggling to cope!

Dro12, could you please give us more information? How old are you both?

And when you had the "really bad patch" in your relationship, what were the causes? Infidelity? Trust?

And how is he as a boyfriend, all around?

After re-reading your post, it seems as though you have invested your heart and soul into this man. So, he has to have some good qualities.

This may very well be the only time that he's been unfaithful to you. Maybe he did make a huge mistake on the road with a "loose woman". If there was alcohol involved, I'd bet that the majority of single men out there would have taken advantage of the situation. I know I would have years ago when I was single. Did many times. And I kept in contact with them. Because I wanted to "revisit the experience". I wanted sex again. THAT'S why I kept in contact with them. NOT because I was worried about my girlfriend(s) finding out.

Is he lying? I don't know. But I sure wouldn't feel comfortable about him going on another road trip with this party girl.

He is responsible for his actions. We all make mistakes. But we try to put them behind us. We don't keep in contact with them.

Good luck to you.

[Kitkat22]

Drop him. Move on. Trust is gone and you will always wonder if he will do it again. He will.

[answerme_tender]

First of all make sure your not going to stay in that pretend world where "She is that type of woman, a homewrecker". She isn't the one who has a commitment with you!! We are all been put in middle of a "Sample the goods" position at least once in ours lives, by something not good for us, its how when conduct ourselves that matters in the long run.
Your not married to this guy and he is already cheating, move on and find someone who will know what the word commitment really means!!