[MommyFirst]

First of all, my situation is way too complicated than I could ever get across.
I love my husband of 2 years more than anything and I know he loves me too. We have a 3 year old and a baby due in a few months. He is almost 30 while I am 23. I gave up my younger years to be with him, which I do not regret at all. We own a business together and that enables me to be a stay at home mom. He is never home except for at night unless he decides to go out drinking... which when he does this he does not EVER answer the phone to let me now where he is or even if he's OK. I have spent countless nights wondering if he was in a car accident on the way home from work, etc. This happens probably once a week. But this week he has done it three nights in a row. I can always tell when he's out drinking because he won't answer the phone after 5pm. Then he strolls in late at night (sometimes early in the morning)... and every time I confront him he yells back saying "Why would I want to be here to listen to your mouth?".. or sarcasticly says "OK, sorry I will never do it again!" But always does.
I know what everyone is going to say... he could be seeing someone else... but I am 99.99% positive he's not.
Also, I have to mention this is the only problem we have besides work issues- which we argue about all the time!! He says I don't do enough- but I do it all plus play mommy all day!
It doesn't feel good crying myself to sleep every night... but what hurts the most is him treating my little girl this way, because she loves him sooo much.
Is there anyway to talk to him, Im wondering if I have been taking the wrong approach?
Oh yeah, I have also tried couples therapy (3 times)... but he ditched me each time.

[Kitkat22]

You don't need to "ask" him anything. You have a child and another one on the way.

It's time to grow up and set your foot down and tell him some changes are going to be made.

Tell him exactly how you feel and that you will not allow this sort of behaviour in front of your child.

If he refuses then you're going to have to look at your options.

[sdfgh]

I think you should go up to him and tell him how his drinking hurts you and your three year old child. And how you probably need him around even more now because your pregnant. Hopefully you are right and he is not cheating because that is quite strange if he comes home early in the morning, what could he have been doing all night?

[Cat1864]

First and foremost, you are NOT 'playing mommy' and if you help with the business, you are doing two jobs not just one. Does he help at all with the house and child?

Do not try to talk with him when he comes home. As you have seen, he isn't receptive to hearing your concerns or what he should be doing.

Do get yourself in counseling. Stress is not good for you or your children. Check out Al-Anon (Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen). It is a support group for family and friends of alcoholics. I am not saying he is one, but they can help you get the support you need to deal with his drinking and making the choices that are best for you and your children.

Do try talking with him when he is sober and not hung-over and your daughter is not going to be an interruption. Try to stay as non-confrontational and emotionless as you can when discussing the issues. Listen to what he has to say like you want him to listen to you. If you have to, write down your concerns and give it to him to read.

DO NOT give ultimatums that you are not prepared to follow through on.

Just a few questions to try to sort out what is going on inside of him: It sounds to me like he is running away from responsibility after work. Is everything going well with the business? How does he feel about being a father? How does he feel about this pregnancy? Is he worried about the future? Did he skip the marital counseling sessions because he thinks it would be acknowledging failing at something?

[Kitkat22]

You say you have tried couples therapy and he didn't show up?

I do agree with Cat on talking with him when he isn't drunk and when the child isn't present.

Also with you being pregnant it's hard to make decisions when your hormones are all out of whack.

Do you know a Minister or a Church Counselor? Sometimes a lot of Churches have couples counseling. Good Luck.

[Jake2008]

My perspective is, this isn't about beer, it isn't about his friends, it isn't about his sarcastic and hurtful comments.

It is about a man, who makes the choice- after three stabs at counselling no less- to live a single life, without accountability to anybody. Not you, not his 3 year old, not the baby on the way.

He is putting his responsibilities at the bottom of a beer bottle, looking, and finding ways to avoid being home. To add insult to injury, he implies that he doesn't want to come home because of how he anticipates how you will react.

What matters right now is how you define the marriage. We already know by his actions, how he defines it. Right from the vows, all the way on up, and all that makes a marriage work- fidelity, honesty, trust, honest communication, responsibility, the good times, the bad times, putting your partner first, respect, duty, honour, etc. Most would describe that, and more, in defining what should make up a good solid marriage.

His fidelity is questionable, he isn't honest, he is not trustworthy, he lies, he takes no responsibility for the well being of his family, the good times are only his own, the bad times he hides from, he puts you second most of the time, if not all of the time, he shows no respect toward you, he doesn't show any sense of duty or honour in recognizing you as an equal partner, he does not participate in the marriage, he runs from it. To top it off, he has dialed out three times from counselling. So, let's add, he doesn't give a dam* to the list.

That is what I see, from the words you have written. If I were to observe your relationship with him, I would say if it isn't dead, it's dying a slow and painful death.

This is not love. This is trying to justify very bad behaviour, and this is doing 2/3 of the work, instead of half. This is allowing yourself to be in the position where you know you will be up half the night worried when he doesn't answer his phone after 5 p.m. This is knowing that you've had a sick kid all day, work to do on the business, fatigue from being pregnant, and you still have to put a meal on the table, do baths, vacuum the carpet, and feed the dog. Where the he** is he, and why on earth do you make the choice to put up with this.

I don't know who he was, or the type of person he was when you had your first child with him. Then you married him, and decide to have a second child. What happened during that time. Has he been ill, is he depressed? Surely some cataclysmic event must have happened to change him from who you knew, to who he is now.

Failing a commet falling on his head, I think that what you are seeing is who he really is. The very telling factor to me is that he refused counselling. That would have been the first thing I would have encouraged you to do.

I really don't know how you hold it all together, and I do feel for you having to put up with such a deadbeat husband and father.

What do you think this all means, and what do you think are possible alternatives, or actions that you could consider to improve this situation.

Soon enough you will have a 'third' child, and coping with all of that on top of everything else is mind boggling.

If I had any influence over him, I'd prepare a list and tack it to his forehead, and a copy on the fridge. It would include addressing all of your very valid complaints, and what the expected changes will be to correct them. No options, and non negotiable. You are a partner, not a pansy. I would give each concern its due weight in the list, and expected time frames for each. Failure to comply after all you have already done to straighten out this lop sided relationship, would be walking papers.

[MommyFirst]

Cat1864... to answer your question.
Yes, business has been tough... we are in construction so the past year has been very hard on our relationship! But the way I see it is we are well taken care of, have food on the table, and a roof over our heads so we should be grateful... but he wants the best of the best and to make tons of money. He loves being a father and is excellent at it most the time... he is scared that this baby will take away time from our other child, he is scared of her being jealous at the baby, not to mention he's scared about money. But I handle the money and we are what you would call middle class with very very little debt. He just craves money. And yes, he says he did not come to counseling because he didn't want to listen to someone tell him he's wrong and how much he needs to change. He says he's the same person I met 6 years ago and always will be, while he is he has changed also. I don't think he likes the idea of 'getting older' and "30" is approaching and I think it scares him.

Thanks everyone for the relpies!

[Jake2008]

Fear is the most difficult emotion to control and understand. Especially if the fear is based on 'what if's', or worrying about the future.

You sound like a very grounded person, and I hope that whatever it is that is causing him to be so fearful, will eventually come out, and when that happens, I'm sure you will be willing to deal with it then.

You gave a much clearer picture of him in your second post, and it is nice to know that he is a good father. But, he needs to be home more, and involved more. Even if it is doing the mundane tasks that you are consequently left doing when he dials out.

I hope this all works out for you, and at the same time, I hope you find the courage to insist on changes if only to make your load a little lighter.

[Cat1864]

As Jake said, fear is hard to overcome. Perhaps if he sees that he is making his own fears come true, he can work with you on overcoming them.

If your husband expects issues and problems there will be more of them. He is working himself up to a meltdown. IF he takes steps to be proactive, it can lessen the negative impacts that he is worried about. It's like building a strong foundation for a house. Different materials is all.

I have an added suggestion of parenting classes and Lamaze. You might see if your area has a Siblings class that takes very young children (My son was six when we had our daughter so the lower age limit wasn't a factor). If they don't then they (or her pediatrician) may be able to direct you to materials that might help your daughter understand the changes that are taking place. The Berenstain Bear's New Baby is a good book that he can share with your daughter.

As for the money aspect, is it 'greed' or is there something in his past that make him focus on needing more to feel successful or to keep from being in a bad place again?

[talaniman]

Wow, I can very clearly remember being exactly like your husband when I was younger. Your post could have been written by my wife, so I will tell you what she did.

She booted my drunk irresponsible a$$ out the door, and I wasn't allowed to come back until I had dealt with my demons, and was ready to man up, and deal with life in a responsible manner. Sure it took many getting kicked out type deals, for me to finally get it through my dumb thick skull, what a man is supposed to do besides drink, and piss in a bush half the night, but through her patience, and stubborn sticking to her guns, I eventually grew up(?), and got my act together(?), so she could love my funky draws(?) again.

Today I am a very grateful, decent example of a man, blessed to have a good strong woman behind me.

Thanks dear.

Thats my advice, don't argue with a drunk, lock him out!!, and be fully prepared to leave him locked out. He isn't communicating, or cooperating, or helping his household, or leading by example, and love, so he is useless to the pursuit of the common happiness, and well being of a family.

That should NOT be tolerated at all, and change only comes when its understood that bad behavior will not be tolerated for any reason.

In her own words, "get with it, or get gone!! "