[talaniman]

Let reality of her decision sink in and just wait and see. Don't get caught up in wondering what you should do as she has choices and decisions to make on her own without your influence.

[Airfro]

Mr. Talaniman thank you for all your support. You've been a great help to me. Homegirl50 as well and everyone else who posted an answer to my question. What would you do if you were in my situation? Or better said, what would you do if you were in my shoes?

[Homegirl 50]

As a woman who has gone through pregnancy and childbirth and also postpartum depression, I can understand her mood. I think a lot of what she is feeling is hormonal but you seem to forget what triggered it. Your stupidity! You may have been innocent but that is not how she sees it.
Don't give up on her and change your attitude. The title of your post :She says she doesn't love me anymore and it doesn't make sense. " well it does make sense. Think how you would feel if you had seen these texts. Put yourself in her shoes. Stop treating her like she is an irrational female. Don't patronize her. You started this.
Give her sometime. Don't make her feel like she should "just get over it" it's not that easy when you feel you've been cheated on and you've just had a baby. Let her get her anger out and then you make darn sure you don't have anymore crazy female friends with access to your cellphone number.

[talaniman]

I would have deleted the text as soon as I read it. I have learned the hard way to weather the storm, and get busy with repairs when it clears, and have time for a BBQ in the back yard before sundown. The real trick is, let her come to her own conclusions, when the brain finally kicks in, after the emotions have died down. Lots of patience, and cool, calm, collected self control. As wrong as she is, you cannot punish her for your own stu(boneheaded)id mistakes.

If you had smashed her hand accidentally in the car door would you be mad at her for being in the way? Own your mistakes and be ready to do better.

[Airfro]

I feel like a kindergardener being scolded by his teacher. I understand what you two mean. Thank you for making this a lot more clearer for me. I'm just glad that I'm on the right path because I'm not putting pressure on her at all. I'm giving her her own space and that is why I don't want us to be around each other too much. I think that would just bring back all the bad memories that started this in the first place. I do love her and I never showed her otherwise. My only fear is that because of my stupid mistakes she might never forgive me and in turn never give me another chance. Live and learn like they say. In the meantime, I will continue bettering myself in every aspect of my life. If one day she comes back to me, I now know what I have to do to keep her happy and at my side. But things won't be the same because I fear she will lose the trust she once had in me.

[talaniman]

I was not intending to scold a student, just answering a question. I just feel that adversity either makes you stronger, or shows the cracks in the foundation that need repair. If her reaction to a innocent(?) text bugs her, there might have been a seed of doubt there already. That's a fair warning in my book that something ain't right, and that's the part you figure out, and I think that comes not by just questions, but listening and really paying attention, without the emotional distractions of your own feelings.

Be honest, is this her first over reaction? Is she always so emotional? Does she have something bad in her past that makes her mistrustful? I have been reading your comments carefully, and it seems this was out of the blue, but I really don't believe that. So now the truth, or better, the facts have to emerge.

[Homegirl 50]

I agree with tal, was there a little something before those texts, maybe she was feeling neglected, were there phone calls, late nights out.. I don't know.
I was not scolding you, just trying to get you to see and own up to your part, then you will work toward healing in a more positive way.
I wish you both well.

[Airfro]

One night on my birthday in the beginning of July I got a call from a friend who was wishing me a happy birthday. I went into the living room and laid down to talk to her, but we were just talking about small things. My ex was in the kitchen and I didn't pay much attention to her listening to me. She went outside and cried to my sister that I was talking to 'her' the one she thinks I was cheating on her with from work. I didn't find out that she was feeling like this until after she broke up with me when my sister told me that she was crying that night. Like I said in my original question, I admit that it's my fault because yes I did go out late, but to my best friend's house to drink a few beers. At times I did neglect her because I would rather be at my friend's house. I know this is wrong, and I own my mistakes. But believe me now I know and see my errors and I have learned from them. Every time I went to my friend's house, she thought that I was with 'her'. When I say 'her' I mean the girl from work that has a thing for me. All this started when my friend txtd me that message asking for 'her', asking me to take a picture of her and asking me how she looks. All of these things, that innocent phone call from my friend that looked suspicious I admit because I was in the living room with the lights out and laying down talking to her while she was listening from the kitchen, the late nights out with my friend, and yes I did neglect her at times. I know I set myself up for failure, but at the time I was so blinded that I didn't even notice until now that is too late. We never had any trust issues in the past. Our relationship was always at it's peak. We just started drifting apart slowly after our 2nd baby was born. I felt so stressed out and at times depressed, and she became more insecure with herself. She used to always tell me, "I love you so much and I never want to lose you." This whole mess started with that one text message that I should've erased from my friend. That's when the trust was broken and we started going downhill from there. Can all this damage be repaired, or should I just accept my own failure and move on?

[Just Looking]

The damage can be repaired because you didn't cheat. For the sake of your family, don't just give up on it. She needs time to forgive you for the mistakes you did make and learn to trust you again. You need to be patient, consistent, and show her that you want to be a better partner.

[Airfro]

To be honest, I just don't know how to approach her anymore. At times I am scared, scared of being rejected again. It does hurt, but I know all this pain I'm feeling I brought on to myself. She did everything for me and sacrificed everything as well to be with me. At times I ask myself "What did I do to deserve her?" Then I remember how she fell in love with me. I changed a lot. I'm not the same guy I was when we first started dating, but I'm working on that. We were never apart one day ever since we were together until now. I just felt like I needed some space and at times I felt like I just wanted to be alone. And to be honest, at times I felt like I didn't love her anymore, but I was wrong about that. I just needed to lose her to realize how much I really love her and how much I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

[Just Looking]

That's not unusual for a guy your age, especially when you also had kids so early. It was a lot of pressure to put on yourselves. Kids are tough on couples who are older and have been together longer, but of course they are also wonderful. If you have truly changed and are ready for this relationship to work out, I believe she will see that given time.

You need to find a way to deal with your anxiety for now. You seem like you are about to fall apart, and that's making you worry even more about getting her back. I think you treat her consistently nice and be there for her and the kids. Don't push her to reconcile before she is ready, and don't do anything rash. Focus on taking care of your kids, taking care of yourself, and doing a good job at work. Deal with your anxiety - eat right, get enough sleep, exercise. Spend time thinking about what you want in your relationship and how you can be a better partner. In other words, prepare yourself for the day when (and if, of course) she's willing to give you another chance.

[Homegirl 50]

Then you do what you have to do to fix this mess. Be patient with her. Tell her you love her as often as you talk to her.
Send her flowers, court her. Try and get back what you had.
Can I ask why you two have not married after two kids?

[Airfro]

I'm doing my best to cope with all of this. I remember all the training while in the Marine Corps. I think if I was a normal guy I would've broke already and probably done something stupid. But I'm doing my best at everything right now. Believe me I'm doing fine without her. I will survive if she decides to never come back, but I would rather have her at my side because I do love her and my kids. Homegirl50 we never got married because I was an idiot. After a while she got tired of asking me when are we going to get married and I just got used to living like that with her. Like I mentioned before in my original post, I finally asked her to marry me that day when she took all her ibuprofen medication after our fight. She left me the next day because I was stupid enough to tell her all kinds of nasty things because I let my anger get the best of me :(. I think what really hurt her the most was the fact that I finally asked her to marry me and then the next day I pretty much broke her heart..

[Homegirl 50]

You have a lot to make up for, if you really love her you'll do it. I hope you don't decide she and the kids are not worth it and I hope she has not gotten to the point that she is tired of being your baby mama.
Court her. Treat her like she is a new girl you are just dying to get ti know and be with. Win her over like you did before.

[Airfro]

I'll try and do that. I won't give up on my family that easy. We've been through a lot together to just let her and my kids go. We've been through hard times and when I was out of a job for a while I would break down and cry because we barely had our first born and I lost my job. She always knew how to lift me up and helped me get back up. Thanks to her we made it through, so I'm not going to let her go so easy. I just think right now I should really be giving her space so she can clear her mind, but meanwhile treat her right and always take care of my kids. I just hope one day I get that one phone call where she tells me that she misses me. That would be a dream come true.

[Homegirl 50]

I hope that happens for you. When you do talk to her, tell her you love her. Send her some flowers. Send her a card. Little things can go a long way.

[Airfro]

A few days after she left me I did that, I sent her flowers and a card. She txtd me, "Thank you for the gifts, but you can't buy me and my kids like that. I hope you realize what you've lost. Me and my kids don't need all that sh**." It made me cry when she told me that. This whole distance, space and no contact deal I put on us is making me miss her more and more everyday. Oh and by the way, she called my mom yesterday to see if I can pick up my kids tomorrow. She has no intention of leaving. I don't know why she says that she's just putting me through hell by saying stupid things like that.

[Homegirl 50]

The same kind of hell you put her through by the things you said to her. At least she is not leaving.

Just because she said something negative about the flowers the first day, that does not mean you stop trying.
You have to let her know you love her.
Send her some more. Send her another card. Let her know you are not giving up.

[Airfro]

Ok :) I will. I'll keep you guys updated. Thank you.

[talaniman]

She has no intention of leaving. I don't know why she says that she's just putting me through hell by saying stupid things like that.

You deserved it, so take your punishment like a man. The seed was planted long ago, and has grown as a resentment. That's what happens when you take no heed to taking her for granted with small hurtful things that eventually add up, and... BOOM... blow up in your face.

You seem like an all right guy, and never meant for this to happen, so now you learn the lesson of being aware how your partner can perceive the little things you do. As I am fond of saying, pay attention to the small details would have let you know long ago that having a female friend who feels free to contact you at home when she wants is not the best thing to have, as I can imagine what would be going through her mind while you innocently talk together. Bet they don't even know each other, or have interacted together to know each other.

Innocent or not, who has a female friend that does that, and disrespects your wife by being so familiar and free with her husband? No wonder you have a problem, as the rules of good behavior was broken, and now you sit wondering how a small undeleted text could cause such problems. I knew there was more to your story than just a simple text from a friend.

PAY ATTENTION. The problem will only be solved by you defining better boundaries to this so called female friend, that include her leaving you alone when you are home and not texting in such a way as to upset your wife. Should have been done long ago, as what married idiot has such a friend in the first place? Can't you see that innocent phone calls become suspicious when you need that kind of privacy to take them? Sheeesh guy, what did you expect, and where is that friend now? What does she think of your new situation at home??