[jerard]

Iam married 7 years and dated my husband for 5 years we have 2 children now. When we were dating 2 years my husband cheated on me with another girl it caused us to split up for 7.5 months but eventually I forgave him and we got on with our lives. Recently I found out through a friend that the girl my husband had cheated on with all those years ago had a child within the time frame that it could possibly be my husbands. She has never contacted him or never told him that it was his baby but I am worried about the implications if it could possibly be his and what it will mean for my marriage and family. The hurt I felt all those years ago is fresh again in my mind and I have not told my husband yet what I know but I don't know if I can keep it to myself as I feel like my mind is going to explode. Please help me?

[beachloverjohn]

There is no reason on earth to open up this can of worms. Why in Gods name would you just assume your husband is the father, just because of the time frame. If you have a happy marriage, then don't suggest things to your husband that has never been an issue. As far as that "so called friend", tell her to mind her own business.

[jerard]

There is no reason on earth to open up this can of worms. Why in Gods name would you just assume your husband is the father, just because of the time frame. If you have a happy marriage, then don't suggest things to your husband that has never been an issue. As far as that "so called friend", tell her to mind her own business.

Since speaking to my friend I checked the person he cheated with out on Facebook and saw photos of her son and do actually think he resembles my husband a bit. I am afraid of this child turning up on my door in 20 years time if my husband is the father.

[beachloverjohn]

Ok, go ahead. Tell your husband that you think he has another child from his old girlfriend. What will this accomplish except drive a wedge between you two. I am telling you, and most people I think would say the same thing, leave it alone. Unless you know a lot more than what you are saying, the resemblance is hardly a reason to suspect this. The power of suggestion can make your husband and this other child look like twins. I don't know, I think there might be more to this than you are disclosing.

[jerard]

Ok, go ahead. Tell your husband that you think he has another child from his old girlfriend. What will this accomplish except drive a wedge between you two. I am telling you, and most people I think would say the same thing, leave it alone. Unless you know a lot more than what you are saying, the resemblence is hardly a reason to suspect this. The power of suggestion can make your husband and this other child look like twins. I don't know, I think there might be more to this than you are disclosing.

No there is no more to it than what I am saying but him and this woman caused me so much pain in the past I am afraid of anything else happening to our relationship it took a lot for me to take him back all those years ago but I knew I loved him more than I think I could ever love anyone else. We were young when we got together I was 19 and him 21 he is the only sexual partner I ever had and I am quite strict in morals and principals and never slept with him before our marriage I think this is what caused him to stray at that time. I don't think though I could take anymore if I found out though that this child was his even in time to come I think it would break my heart in too. I know you may think that I should just let it go but what my friend told me has put a lot of weight behind it as I have known her 15 years she was my pillar of support when I went through all this years ago I suppose I am just afraid

[Enigma1999]

There is no reason on earth to open up this can of worms. Why in Gods name would you just assume your husband is the father, just because of the time frame. If you have a happy marriage, then don't suggest things to your husband that has never been an issue. As far as that "so called friend", tell her to mind her own business.

I absolutley100% agree with John!

This is all hear say. None of this is accurate. Don't I repeat don't do this to yourself or your husband.

You have NO proof what so ever that this could be his child, and if the Mother wanted to pursue this issue, she would have.

Your friend should not have said a word to you! Plain and simple!

[beachloverjohn]

And the other thing is you are not only jumping to conclusions, but your ready to CONDEMN him if he did have a child. You weren't even married at the time. You are still worried about his old flame from a time you were barely out of high school. You have been married 7 years, and he has never mentioned anything remotely like this to you. So enjoy your family and don't let your unfounded fears cause you any more problems..

[Fr_Chuck]

Ok you knew he cheated and was not that forgiven? Or not?

If you cheat and have sex, you may or may not have a child.

If it turns out to be his, ( if anyone ever asks for a DNA test and the such) then he sets up visits with his child and becomes a father to the child. *** I would hope you would not want less, no one wants a man who is not responsible for his actions.

But that was in the past, it was over and a child is not changing the fact it is over and was suppose to be forgiven

[Jake2008]

Why should your husband be the last to know that he possibly has a child that he is unaware of.

There is a child here, and it could very well be his. He has a right to know, and I think you have an obligation to be honest with him, and tell him exactly what you were told, and by whom.

What a terrible secret to keep.

This isn't about you, or him, or your marriage. It is about a child. IF he is the father, a simple blood test will determine that. If he is denied the opportunity to know he has fathered a child, what does that say for you? It's not your child, and not your call.

It should be his call on whether he wishes to pursue the possibility. To keep this from him, in my opinion, is deception, and utterly dishonest.

While it may cause upset and turn your marriage upside down, that is secondary to the fact that a child he (possibly) created, is unaware they have a father that very well may wish to be a part of his/her life. Also, keeping this a secret from him, also robs him of an opportunity, that he may or may not wish to pursue.

But, it should be his choice, not anybody else's.

[beachloverjohn]

Why should your husband be the last to know that he possibly has a child that he is unaware of.

There is a child here, and it could very well be his. He has a right to know, and I think you have an obligation to be honest with him, and tell him exactly what you were told, and by whom.

What a terrible secret to keep.

This isn't about you, or him, or your marriage. It is about a child. IF he is the father, a simple blood test will determine that. If he is denied the opportunity to know he has fathered a child, what does that say for you? It's not your child, and not your call.

It should be his call on whether or not he wishes to persue the possibility. To keep this from him, in my opinion, is deception, and utterly dishonest.

While it may cause upset and turn your marriage upside down, that is secondary to the fact that a child he (possibly) created, is unaware they have a father that very well may wish to be a part of his/her life. Also, keeping this a secret from him, also robs him of an opportunity, that he may or may not wish to persue.

But, it should be his choice, not anybody elses.

Wouldn't the responsibility for telling her husband fall on the mother of the child? I mean isn't it possible she already knows who the father is? Why would the mother keep this from him all these years? This friend that told her this must know a little more about this then she is saying. I mean to say your husbands ex girlfriend had a baby several years ago so yor husband is probably the father is not enough information to base such an assumption on. I suppose she could tell her husband that his ex had a baby back then, but I think she has to be extremely careful not to accuse him of being the father. Just my opinion, that's all.

[Jake2008]

I understand, and I respect your point of view John.

But, what happens with this 'friend' who told this man's wife. If she would do something like that, I would bet both my left feet that she has also told others.

It may be just a matter of time before he finds out anyway, and what will our OP say then, when he realizes she has kept this from him, because she didn't want to upset the apple cart.

Or, if my math is close, this child is around 10 years old, and will soon enough start asking questions, or someone in his/her family will make a comment, rumours, etc. IF the truth has been kept from him/her, that kid may very well become very determined to find out who his real father is.

And then it starts that whole ball of wax rolling again. And no matter how this works out in the wash, the only way to know the truth, is through a DNA test.

I think it is better sooner, rather than the inevitable later, to find out, and at least give him (the potential father), an opportunity to make an informed choice based on the information from the person he most trusts in this world- his wife.

If she doesn't tell him, he will find out anyway, and that would most likely be an even bigger rift because she kept what she knew to herself.

[beachloverjohn]

Jake, these are all valid points, and I would agree that if her husband could possibly be the father, he has a right to know and he, not the OP, does have to make the decision whether to accept the responibility or not. I think that based on what the OP wrote, it seemed to come from paranoia rather than factual information. But I can't argue the point that now that she does know, she has a certain obligation to inform her husband of what she was told, and then trust that he will handle this "news" in a mature and responsible way. So the question the OP poses may be debatable, but morally it is quite clear you are correct. She now has an obligation to her husband to tell him whatever she knows and where it came from.

[talaniman]

You can go crazy worrying about what ifs when you have rumor and not facts. Please don't go to your husbands with rumors as no one knows who the father is but the mother and she isn't losing any sleep over this for sure, so why should you.

As well meaning as your friend may be, she sure as hell knows nothing about this except what she has heard and I think it cruel to get you all jacked up on possibilities, assuming, and presuming.

Deal with whatever happens when it comes up, and you have more than gossip, and rumors floating around.

Hell any guy who has ever messed with a female has a chance in the future of getting a knock at the door, so don't start no crap, and maybe it won't be any.

Now let this go, and deal with what's real in your life, and stop letting fear and past hurts keep you freaked out, and tell your friend that she needs to stop making beauty parlor gossip real life. She may be your friend but what purpose can she have for stirring up past (CRAP) in your life. That's what soap operas are for.

Sounds like your friend has issues with your happiness. Maybe he should be warned about what your friend is saying to you, and you should be warned of her too, friend or not!

Ever consider she may be wrong? Now what?

[answerme_tender]

My brother and sister -in-law had similar situation happen to them. She had heard through grapevine that the lady my brother had affair with early in marriage, had child that looked a lot like my brother and would be around that age. My sister-in-law would not drop subject until she knew if this was his child or not. So had test done and it happened to be my brothers child. So now my wonderfully noisy sister-in-law is an ex and guess who is the new sister-in-law!!
Make sure you think this through from all aspects. Then go from there.