[craftymomof2]

Ive been married for 8 years, we have a good marriage for the most part. But I am complicating it, because our main arguments are about me not asking his opinion for big decisions, especially when he is the main money earner, and other times, I tell little lies so not to make him stress out. Which always makes it worse. I am a passive and timid and don't like confrintation ( I know that's why I lie But I HATE IT) He is the complete opposite of me (very strong and assertive and loves conflict, he is very blunt and always honest! I know this for sure, he is very proud of that). I try not to , but as soon as there is conflict I wilt and lie or get defensive. I hate this, I am triing to teach my children lying is bad, but I am doing it myself. Well basically he is wearing out. I don't blame him, either I want so much for our marriage to work, I truly love him but how do I change these bad faults. PLEASE help me.

[Jake2008]

Ive been married for 8 years, we have a good marriage for the most part. But I am complicating it, because our main arguements are about me not asking his opinion for big decisions, especially when he is the main money earner, and other times, I tell little lies so not to make him stress out. Which always makes it worse. I am a passive and timid and don't like confrintation ( i know thats why I lie But I HATE IT) He is the complete opposite of me (very strong and assertive and loves conflict, he is very blunt and always honest!! I know this for sure, he is very proud of that). I try not to , but as soon as there is conflict I wilt and lie or get defensive. I hate this, I am triing to teach my children lieing is bad, but I am doing it myself. Well basically he is wearing out. I don't blame him, either I want so much for our marriage to work, I truely love him but how do I change these bad faults. PLEASE help me.

Well, to paraphrase here, you make big decisions without his knowledge, you tell lies, you are passive and timid, and avoid confrontation, you get defensive when you are questioned, lie some more, and you are wearing him out.

What I don't understand is, if you are aware that how you behave is causing a big rift in your marriage, why you don't do something about it.

Unless you have something to fear, i.e. a violent reaction from him, you have no reason not to be fair and honest.

By not correcting the obvious (lying, avoiding confrontation, getting defensive), it would seem, at least from the outside looking in, that you are practically goading him into a predictable response. What you are essentially doing, is, even though you know that for example, buying a big screen TV without his input will produce a predictable response, you do it anyway.

Why do you need to do that. Any ideas? Are you feeling resentful or neglected, or is this retaliatory in nature for something you are missing or not getting from him? Intimacy, understanding, compassion, attention? Is the response you get, better than nothing at all?

It is simple, and basic human courtesy, to treat people with respect and honesty. Why do you think that you cannot do that. Have you tried to change your behaviour by talking things through, or do you keep promising to change, and then repeat the pattern over and over?

If you can teach your children right from wrong, then surely you know this applies to you as well.

Why do you think this happens, any idea? It must come from somewhere.

[talaniman]

But I am complicating it, because our main arguments are about me not asking his opinion for big decisions, especially when he is the main money earner, and other times, I tell little lies so not to make him stress out. Which always makes it worse

Are you intimidated by him, and afraid to stand up for the decisions you make on your own? Like Jake I would like to know where those need to tell little lies comes from. What does he do when he is stressed out?