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funkyfish · Aug 30, 2010, 03:53 PM

I'm a 22 year old female.

This may be hard to understand for some people reading this, and every time I tell someone I am met with the same look each time.

I don't want kids, I am so serious about it that I am considering female sterilisation.

On a number of occasions I have been out with my female friends and the conversation has turned to children and marriage. One of my friends in particular has her life strictly mapped out. She's 20 now and finishes university in 2011. She is getting married in the summer of 2011 and intends to start trying for a baby on her wedding night with her soon to be husband. That's fine for her and good luck to her with that.

But when my friends asked me on my thoughts of babies and what age I ideally wanted to be when I have a child, I was met with looks of pure disbelief and disgust from some when I said that I didn't want to have children at all.
One even told me that I would change my mind with time when I found the right man. I have been with my current partner for nearly 3 years, he would love kids in the future but he knows I don't want children.

How dare someone patronise you by saying "You'll change your mind"?
No one says to a woman who wants kids "You'll change your mind", so why do people feel that it is right to say the same thing to me just because I don't want to do something that women are largely expected to want to do.

The area that I live in, if you don't have a baby by the time you are 18 you are then considered to be a late starter. Each time one of my friends announces her pregnancy, or I see a girl pregnant in the street I think to myself "Not another one". Why is it that girls think it's OK to get pregnant when they are unmarried and probably not going to stay with the dad?
Do people just not bother with contraception anymore? I get so fed up of seeing it because when that baby is born my taxes are going to be paying for her benefits so she can stay at home and continue to open her legs.

I know some people will say that children are a blessing, and yes I imagine they can be, but if I was to find myself pregnant I would not consider it to be a blessing for myself.

I just somehow don't feel normal because I don't have a maternal instinct.
I feel like I am being badly judged by people because I have chosen not to have children.
But I also feel a huge pressure to give in and conform and have a child just to be considered "normal".

I suppose I was wondering if anyone else has the same view point as me?

Enigma1999 · Aug 30, 2010, 04:01 PM

Hello,

You seem very angry to me. With your anger issues, I too agree that you should NOT have kids! Plain and simple.

Who cares what anyone else thinks or does. If you don't want kids, then don't. However, don't you patronize any one who does.

Your whole post rubbed me the wrong way.

NeedKarma · Aug 30, 2010, 04:03 PM

Ok, then don't have kids. It's your choice, no big drama required.

funkyfish · Aug 30, 2010, 04:08 PM

I think I did want them a while back, I fell pregnant and had a miscarriage. Since then my view point has changed and I really don't know why

Enigma1999 · Aug 30, 2010, 04:15 PM

Originally Posted by funkyfish

I think i did want them a while back, i fell pregnant and had a miscarriage. Since then my view point has changed and i really don't know why

I'm sure it was a very emotional time for you. The loss of a baby. Something like that would/could change your mind. However, it is your body and you can do what ever you want. If you choose not to then so be it. To say that people are patronizing you by saying, "you are young, you will change your mind" well they are right . You might, you might not. That is up to you.

Wondergirl · Aug 30, 2010, 04:26 PM

Do you remember how you felt when you got pregnant? Were you excited or scared or unhappy or disgusted?

funkyfish · Aug 30, 2010, 04:34 PM

Scared mostly, because I knew that I would have to give up university and the fact that I have a phobia of pain. And I mean a real phobia!
I was also a bit disgusted with myself as well for the fact that I wasn't more careful.
I really just don't ever see myself having kids, most women get gooey over babies, I never have done. I just don't see how I will ever change my mind and give my partner a child when I don't have any maternal instinct whatsoever

Enigma1999 · Aug 30, 2010, 04:40 PM

[QUOTE=funkyfish;2505530]her with that.

Why is it that girls think it's OK to get pregnant when they are unmarried and probably not going to stay with the dad?
Do people just not bother with contraception anymore? I get so fed up of seeing it because when that baby is born my taxes are going to be paying for her benefits so she can stay at home and continue to open her legs.

QUOTE]

So this happened to you? You got pregnant. Your anger is now understood.

Wondergirl · Aug 30, 2010, 05:06 PM

You have every right not to want or have children. And people, especially females, are very nosy and judgmental about other females' bodies and children and behavior. I was questioned when I was pregnant ("You're STILL pregnant? You're huge!"), when I shopped at the mall with my baby ("He looks too warm" or "He looks too cold"), as my children grew up, and even now as a retired person ("What on earth do you do all day?" or "I'll bet you sleep late every morning.").

Fear of pain and the mess of childbirth could be a good reason for not wanting to have a child. I love my two sons, but if I could do it all over again, knowing what I know now and what choices I could have made in my life without children, I probably would choose not to have kids. And I bet I'm not alone.

Jake2008 · Aug 30, 2010, 07:48 PM

I too had no desire to have children. Instead I did the education thing, and lived my life while my friends were tied to diapers, stressful marriages, mortgages and car payments. It was because I made that decision that I did other things instead.

But, I was one of those that changed my mind, and had kids. Then I got- you said you were never going to have kids, and, oh my God- YOU have kids?- and I KNEW you'd have kids someday.

So, you can't win. You will be judged no matter what you do. I can remember being at parties and absolutely bored to tears when the converstaion was all about babies, babies babies! It is a place that can be lonely when you don't have this in common with a group of women in a social setting, as you've experienced.

Better to know now, than to have a couple and then realize it's not for you. Should you change in the future, at least you can have a baby. For your friends that do have babies, they no longer have the option of having them or not.

Wondergirl, I think there are far more women that not, that would agree with you.