[vanheart]

No prob.

You have to change you name from "outoftime"

To "allthetimeintheworld"

A bit long though...

Maybe "timeisonmyside"

Yeah.

[lifeistough75]

Keep us up to dated on how things are going.

[Outoftime44]

Day 12 nc.

Woke up feeling like sending a nice email , but came to my senses knowing I will only regret it later and it would only make it easier on her.

It's getting easier and easier to trust what other people are saying.

Even if I don't believe it in my heart, my head is taking over my actions.

Worst part now is realizing the monster I became- why did I let someone manipulate me? Why did I prioritize one person so much? Why did I get so much anxiety and fear over nothing? The answers to those questions have been somewhat found, and I don't like them. That's the issue now.

[vanheart]

Forget the monster. She's gone.

I didn't particularly like what I discovered about my ex or myself either, but wanted to heal as fast as I could.

So I faced them with strength.

All of those questions lie within you. Ask them in your next therapy session.

And you are right when it comes to sending an email, one, she doesn't deserve it & two it will reinforce the power she had over you.

Glad you were strong. Keep it up.

[Outoftime44]

I will admit, I am too eagerly looking forward to the day she comes back so I can reject her. Being painted crazy while also loving someone created the anxiety in me... The anxiety is gone now.

12 days in, I can't wait for 30.

[vanheart]

She won't.

That's your job. To never let her.

By NC. Builds strength.

Chuff said to me when I was struggling:
"The opposite of love isnt hate, its indifference"

That's the ultimate retribution.

Can't wait for 30 either. Enjoy those next couple of weeks.
You may be surprised how fast they go.

Just be good & have fun. Don't beat yourself up.

[Outoftime44]

I've heard that quote. That's my goal.

I've learned so much, so much.

I would be at 30 if I didn't break down 2 weeks ago.

[vanheart]

Good lesson.

[Outoftime44]

Today is actually Day 13. I miscounted. Still going.

Still had a delusion this morning that I could somehow make sense to her. But I believe what people say to me now. That it will do no good. If she is BPD, this is inevitable, I am a worse person with her. I can't save her if she is ill.

[vanheart]

Yup. No longer your worry.

[Outoftime44]

I've been posting on the BPD forum a bit. I basically adopted some traits as a defense mechanism.

I think I saw the warning signs how she used her ex-bf's to boost her ego. How she could never admit to being wrong. How I felt under appreciated. I felt something wrong- there is this girl obsessed in love with me wanting to marry me- but something was so insecure about it. Which is weird, right? TO get nervous when someone is professing undying love to you after 5 months of long distance dating? Ha

[vanheart]

Stop diagnosing & start living.

She's gone, no longer in your life.

You are here.

The sooner you let her & this go, the sooner you can have peace of mind.

[Outoftime44]

It's just she was convincing me I was the crazy one, it's been eye opening in therapy when I say things she said/did and the therapist basically laughts.

I was gaslit to believe I needed therapy from her. LOL she wanted to break up while I went to therapy to control my two text message anger outbursts. I have been wasting time lately on the fence on what was happening.

I am not proud of my actions, but I think she was crazy

[vanheart]

Your still wasting your time on her.

Crazy or sane. Who cares? She's long gone.

Did you ever step back & think how many hours you are still spending on her? Trying to analyze every little thing? Why she STILL has such a hold over you?

Dude, its really time to let her go. For your own good.

[Outoftime44]

Yeah complete waste of time, big time.

[Outoftime44]

I've realized that the past no contact attempts I made, I got weak after about 2 weeks... The distance makes me feel better about her, and I get stronger. So today, at day 14, I realize I got to stick with it and get past this hump.

I looked back at my calendar, and thought about how I felt on certain days prior, and it is comforting to think how much better I am now than I was at the beginning. While it seems crappy, like going to a club last night without a girlfriend to dance with, it is by far better than where it was earlier onwards.

It is just a slow process, because I was literally driven temporarily crazy.

[Outoftime44]

Well day 14 no contact. I am going to take a break from posting here for a few days because, I don't talk about it in life anymore (except with therapist and sometimes family), so will stop typing about it for a bit to stop re-enforcing it in my head.

[Outoftime44]

18 days NC today.

Slight set back with old boss inviting me to her going away lunch tomorrow. I declined, am going to meet the old boss for lunch next week after the ex is gone.

[Outoftime44]

21 days today

[Outoftime44]

I would like some further feedback. The entire time of our relationship I was going through some undiagnosed illness that was keeping me from functioning normally, even though I tried to be normal. She was supportive at times for this, as this illness made my life a nightmare and the therapist said fueled the obsessive behavior because I was away from her and could not function in normal activities and was just left to talk to her.

In a way, her positive energy and support for me helped me through a rough year in my life.

Yesterday, was a day of great relief and shock to me as they found some protozoa infections in my intestines and liver which have been causing all kinds of problems for me. I am dying to share it with her, because she took the brunt of my suffering, and helped me through it.

Bad idea?


Anyway, this seems all meant to be. Before we broke up for good, I had given up on tracking down my health issue. The breakup jumpstarted my path to wellness.