[redhead1992]

So my friend iintroduced me to this guy friend of hers via fb. He's at a military academy currently and has restricted communication abilities. We talk via Facebook alll the time. He broke the rules once, and video chatted me, and he was granted phone privileges for tonight and is using it as an oppportunity to call me instead of his mom, sister, etc. We have planned to actually, in person, meet over christmas break through my friend. I know all we've had is something online, but he seems for real. More for real that past guys. He seems very genuine. Very sweet. And I'm starting to get slightly attached. According the mutual friend, he has gotten very attached to me. At the same time, I'm at college and as much as I feel like this guy is near perfect for me (just from the little bit I know), I want to date around. But the thing is, I feel guilty doing that. I know we're not techinically in a relationship so it wouldn't be cheating, but I feel like if I found out he were dating other girls, I might be a little hurt... what's your take?

[redhed35]

He's perfect for you,even from the little bit you know!

Hmmm.

You don't really know him at all though.

I suggest you go about your normal life date if your dating,all your really doing is striking up a friendship,make that perfectly clear.

He is in a totally different world right now,so be straight up,nothing wrong in being friends or developing a friendship,BUT, don't make promises,don't lead him astray either.

So,to end,be straight up with him,date all you want,your only developing a friendship,yoo could arrange to meet closer to the date as friends,see from there.

[Homegirl 50]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to redhed35 again.

You don't really know him nor he you.
You are moving way to fast on this. Stop the wishful thinking and enjoy the friendship.

[redhead1992]

I mean you guys are right, it really is a friendship. But we have a connection. And I know its hard to say that from meeting someone online, but its true. We have a connection. Many of the same intrests. He exhibits many of the qualities I've looked for, and I do that for him. I'm not stupid, I know I can't decide to fall in love with someone without actually experiencing him, observing how he interacts with others, etc. but what I'm feeling is a huge major crush on him. Idont know how to push past that TO be able to date around

[88sunflower]

You have developed that wonderful feeling of "what if" I see. I am sure he is wonderful in every way. But just continue to live your life. Right now you seem to be jaded by this fairy tale and you haven't even met him. I am not at all saying he isn't the one for you. I am just saying don't put all your eggs in one basket because he may not have one hatching for you. Sure if you don't want to date other guys that's fine. But don't turn a blind eye to every guy that shows you interest either. Mr.Right could be sitting right next to you in class but your in lust with a vision. Just keep your options open. If he comes home and then you decide to go forward. Best wishes.

[Homegirl 50]

You are just starting college, getting a way from parents and other things. You have been thrown out into a world that is fascinating to you, as is this guy.
Chill! It's not that serious.
You don't really know him and there is a whole world out there, don't let yourself get caught up in a guy you don't even know.
Have your classes even started yet?

[cdad]

If you don't know him then that's where it stops. Many of us love an "idea". And so far that's really all he is. This person is tied up right now and married to the corps. Hes in a military academy and if he ever has to go to war he will be completely different person when he returns. This is one of the situations that its best to hang back and observe. If your having guilt feelings then concentrate on your studies and focus on your own well being for a bit. With college your life is just starting. And your still picking out exactly where your heading. Make smart choices.

[redhead1992]

Califdad.. I see what you're saying, but at the same time I feel like you think its pointless.

He got phone privileges last night and I talkked to him for almost an hour, until I realized it was nearing midnight and I had an early class. It was nice.. but the more I fall, the more I try to convince myself that I'm possibly making the biggest mistake. There's where my problem is lying currently

[Homegirl 50]

You don't have to fall, you are wanting to, allowing yourself to fall.
You tell yourself this makes no sense, you're just starting college he's in the Military and now is not the time. Then you get your butt in gear and concentrate on school.
Stop romanticizing this.

[redhead1992]

I'm not romanticizing anything. That would imply that I'm trying to turn it into a relationship when I cant, and that's not what's happening at all. Besides, I'm trying not to fall. I'm telling myslef not to but I am. Its not like I'm turning nothing into something. He feels the same way I do. And normally I wouldn't trust him, part of me really doesn't, but part of me does because one of my closest friends knows him extremely well and wouldn't lie to me about what's going on

[PrivateID]

My daughter just went through this same scenario.

They were online friends, he was in the Army and he got limited privileges, however he was able to get leave a couple times to see her. When he sent her a plane ticket to his parents' house, I was both suspicious and worried sick for her safety, but she is 19. She makes her own decisions and she decided to see him regardless.

She was gone 2 weeks. It all went well, but what they discovered while she was back there, was that although they are great friends, and romance is nice, he's not compatible with her in a relationship way. They stay in touch as friends, but both have moved on.

My advice to you is the same I gave my daughter.

A long distance relationship can work out if both people partake in a mature agreement to make it work. That means both work at this relationship, but this is only after a foundation for a real relationship has been formed.

You met online. You have a great mental relationship, but in person people are often far different than they seem online.

You have no foundation to the relationship at this point, because it's built on a format where truths can be told, as easily as untruths can.

You already know that internet-based relationships without real, physical contact and knowledge of each other can both be #1: dangerous (you don't know that this man is really in the military, nor that he is a safe person) and #2: just as easy to stop as it was to start. You simply hang up.

To me, that does not mean a commitment of any type, and my advice to my own daughter was that if that is the type of commitment level she wanted, then it would suffice, however if it was not, then it would not suffice. The question is, what do you want out of a relationship?

My advice to you is to do what you think is best, however to take everything said on this forum into consideration, first.

[Homegirl 50]

You guys don't even know each other.
Think about it. You have exchanged e-mails spoken on the phone.
You are both probably first year students so you're reaching out.
Don't make this bigger than it is. Remember the vacation fling, how you went overboard with that?
Slow this train down. Relax, have a friendship and see where that goes. Don't talk to each other so much, meet other people.

[JudyKayTee]

You are NOT in a "relationship" with this person. You chat on line and, apparently, talked on the phone once.

I personally think it's not terribly smart and/or sensible to plan to go ANYWHERE to meet this guy - you'll be in unfamiliar territory, what is things don't work out, what if he's (minimally) boring or (the far side) slightly nuts?

You need to know him a LOT better before you make any arrangements to do anything.

And you would be hurt to learn he's dating someone else? He's not dating you.

[martinizing2]

Tell him straight up just how you feel.
Get those lines of communication open and in constant use.

Be honest with him, tell him in the same general wording of your post. I thought you did a great job on that.

Judy Homegirl and PI are right when they say you don't really know anybody by online "relationships"... but you sound aware of this also.

I hope things work out well for you, and seeing that you are giving this some good thought and not packing up to move in with a stranger... I'm confidant it will.

[Homegirl 50]

How old is this kid.
You say according to a mutual friend he has gotten very attached. What does that mean? You two don't even know each other.
I think you both are two lonely kids reaching out, and that's OK, but don't make it more than it is.
Get to know the young people that are around you at your school. Don't cut yourself off from that for a phone crush. It makes no sense.

[DoulaLC]

Since you aren't in a committed relationship, you have nothing to feel guilty about if you want to continue to date others.

I know it holds the possibility of being something more, you get along, so far he seems to be the kind of guy you could see yourself in a relationship with, but for now it is just starting. Try to think more with your head and less with your heart! (not always easy to do)

Continue to spend the time talking and getting to know each other. Sometimes you do learn more just from talking because that is all you have right now.

After you actually get to meet in person, and spend some time together, you will have a better idea of where you both might want this to go.

Wait and see if you get to a point where you don't want to date anyone else. Then you will know that you want to focus on this relationship. Until that time, and IF it happens, enjoy spending time with other people and getting to know them. You may find someone more available to you that you want to know better.

p.s. I met my husband out of the blue online 11 years ago. We talked for 8 months before we met in person.

[Jake2008]

Your heart is telling you one thing, and your head another.

While you are falling for this guy online, what is to say that you wouldn't be casually dating at college, and fall for someone. That would put you in the same position.

You would want to get to know him better, at the same time keep your options open.

So, regardless of how you met, the point is that you have feelings for him, and aren't sure what to do about it.

Until you can actually meet in person, as hard as it will be, put the feelings on ice until the day he is home. Most of what you already have come to know and like about him (he sounds wonderful) will either be confirmed upon his arrival, or you will wonder what the heck you saw in him.

I would imagine that he is having the same kind of reservations as you are.

So, keep going out, keep having fun, and don't stop doing anything you would normally do.

It sounds like enough of a friendship has been established, that you can work and build upon that for now.

Best of luck that this may work out for you. Love is a wonderful thing.

[redhead1992]

PrivateID, I understand what you are saying, and thank you. But I want to make it clear that I do know he is in the military. He is who he says he is. We have video chatted and he is friends with one of my best friedns

Homegirl and Judy, I *have* learned from my past which is exactly why I feel I'm in a tough spot. Every time I react on my feelings, I've gotten hurt. So I want to move on, but this is causing huge internal conflict.
Jake, thank you for understandidng. I have gone out and flirted with and tried to get to know ottherr guys over the past week or so. I mean, it works for a bit, but then I just don't feel like... I don't know.. I feel like its just all good fun, and can't evolve..

[Homegirl 50]

Who says something needs to evolve. You're what 18? Have fun. Why do you want to be attached to someone.
This guy could be nice but only be nice as a friend. Nothing wrong with that.
Have fun. Don't stay to yourself waiting to meet this guy in person. You should be enjoying yourself now.
Enjoy today!

[redhead1992]

I do go out and enjoy myself, I just said that. But I haven't foundinteresting guys yet, but then again, the year is still young. And I would like for somethng to evolve with a guy. I'm going to sound needy and dependent when I say this, but I need a relationship. I need a healthy loving relationship... psychological problems I guess.. daddy issues.. whatever the reason may be, I need something real. Isn't that what everyone wants?