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choirgirl · Jun 25, 2010, 03:20 PM

I split up with my ex over four years ago. It was my first serious relationship and we met at University. It was love at first sight and we were inseparable for two years - we also lived together during our final year... and that's where it all went wrong. We couldn't afford the bills or rent, so I started working 30 hours a week while also studying full time, he had rich parents (who wouldn't pay for my half) and so we spent less time together, I lost 2 stone and developed an eating disorder. We tried not living together, I mvoed in with my parents (1 hour drive away) and he moved in with his friends. Instead of understanding what I was going through he started drinking a lot with his friends and eventually decided it was over. And that was it, he refused to have any contact with me, we argued one night and I haven't heard from him since.
I've been in a new relationship for just over two years, but its not the same. I don't love my new boyfriend as much as I loved my ex, and I keep thinking What if I contacted him? A days ago I searched on Facebook for him, only to find that he is now with someone I introduced him to, who incidentally fell out with me when we separated. Mutual friends tell me he doesn't talk about me, but has confessed and broken down recently while drunk saying that he basically feels the same.
I know I should forget about him and move on, but in a way... I need closure, and want to know how to get over him.
Has anyone else experienced something similar?

positiveparent · Jun 25, 2010, 03:35 PM

Don't contact him you've both moved on and had he wanted to continue with you he wouldn't have ended the relationship.

You saying about this friend of yours leads me to think that perhaps he broke it off with you to be with her, or maybe she had something to do with it.

Regardless of what, you aren't going to get closure, and you have to accept this and not try to go backwards, you'll only open up old wounds and you don't want that, let it go and your dreams of him, he wasn't for you, not matter what you may think, you're merely holding onto a dream and a dream he obviously didn't share with you..

choirgirl · Jun 25, 2010, 03:45 PM

Thanks. I'm just really confused at the moment. I really love the man I'm with now, and we've had a great 2 years together, but I can't understand why this is happening to me now... I hadn't thought of my ex for a long while, now I can't get him off my mind :(

positiveparent · Jun 25, 2010, 04:04 PM

Maybe something you saw or heard jogged an old memory in your subconscious and it got you thinking of what was, stick with the man you're with now, and I suggest you don't tell him about this with the ex, it would only cause him to wonder, and you don't want to rock the boat over something and nothing, I would suggest you try to think other thoughts when those of the ex enter your head.

Good Luck to you and your new love..

talaniman · Jun 25, 2010, 04:39 PM

Whenever the wife and I hit a glitch and get mad I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have married one of my many exes. The feeling passes, because we make up and move on to the next glitch, without having acted on those in between thoughts.

Have you and the new guy been through a difficulty, bet you have and that started the action to find him, and that lead to you getting updated on his life. OUCH!!

Willing to bet past events in your life has stirred up old memories, and feelings.

Let them pass by not acting on them and coping with the reality of your life and loves NOW!

Leave the past, in the past. Or you will regret it, for being distracted on what's happening now.

positiveparent · Jun 25, 2010, 06:00 PM

Gggrrrrrr have to spread the rep again! Talaniman

I agree with the above posters recommendations and advice, forget it don't give it any more energy.

parisrose · Jun 25, 2010, 11:15 PM

Don't contact him.

You both had a lot of unresolved issues, any more contact will stir things up again. Unneeded drama.

choirgirl · Jul 22, 2010, 02:20 PM

I've got myself into a bad situation. My boyfriend and I decided to have a break to save our relationship. I moved out and he stayed in the house.
While staying at my parents I've been thinking a lot and dwelling over things, I've made a few changes to help the relationship such as organising counselling (I have a very stressful job, hence the split) and changing my contraceptive pill, I've also started doing other things like going to the gym and running to take my mind off things.
My boyfriend is completely different, he's just carrying on as normal (or so it seems). Yesterday I found out that he's been seen every night driving around town, in popular boy-racer hangouts that attract a lot of younger girls, he has a flashy car and its just a matter of time before someone catches his eye, or the opposite.
I sent him an SMS yesterday afternoon and he didn't reply, I haven't heard from him for days. I got really upset and had a few drinks, then sent him text messages saying that I'd !come and move my stuff out this weekend, as he clearly can't be bothered to save our relationship", i also mentioned that i was concerned as to why he's driving around all night, and am fed up of being confused.
He replied "see you this weekend then... "
Now I'm afraid that I've pushed him away and its finally over for good. I don't want it to be, I just need reassurance that he actually wants me to come back if I do decide to... I don't want to waste my time becoming depressed if he doesn't want me. I don't want to give up on our relationship while there may be a glimmer of hope.
I'm just a mixture of many emotions now, and hope he will sit down and talk about our relationship for once instead of giving me vague answers about everything.
Please help! :'(

positiveparent · Jul 22, 2010, 04:44 PM

You both agreed to a break I assume, whose idea was it originally to have a break, yours or his?

Regardless of who suggested it, I would advise you to leave things alone for a while don't text him or email him at all, for say a week and see if he contacts you, don't send him threats via text or any other form of communication.

Can you let me know who originally suggested a break then I feel Ill be able to offer you more suitable advice. Thanks

martinizing2 · Jul 22, 2010, 05:02 PM

I notice the phrase , you want reassurance he wants you to come back if you do decide to..

This seems a bit selfish. Why should either you or he wait around while the other "decides what to do.
A question like that I think would be decided by mutual consent after some lengthly communication.

A relationship has to be a two way street. Input and output in both directions that keep the information flowing and eliminates wrong guesses in important matters and decisions.

Did you two communicate well and know how each other felt about most of what is important to you.
Do you even know what is important in each others lives.

There is an exception to this, like PP says , in a situation like it is now for you, stop all communication to get perspective on your life.

It may be too late for this relationship. A sad and painful thing if it happens. But excellent communication between partners will prevent many problems. Preventing is 10000 times easier than fixing.

I hope things work out to be what is best in your life

positiveparent · Jul 22, 2010, 05:19 PM

Have to spread the rep martinizing2
However I agree with what you say in your post.

Communication is the most vital ingredient in any worthwhile or successful relationship, if you don't communicate then expect to get no where fast, other than heading for relationship hell.

talaniman · Jul 22, 2010, 07:02 PM

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ex-482727.html

Now I understand your other post, and hope you are ready to stop wasting time on this failed relationship, and move to healing and building a life that you enjoy, so you will be ready to be happy for yourself without the help of some guy.

Sorry never heard of moving out to save a relationship.

vanheart · Jul 23, 2010, 08:55 PM

True that. Breaks are breaks.

It was only after, when you got jealous and sad.

"he clearly can't be bothered to save our relationship"
Well, that's clear, then.

You want him or the idea of him, he doesn't. Don't try & fix it.

Now you are better off. Sounds like being single is in order for a bit.

choirgirl · Aug 24, 2010, 01:31 PM

I split up with my partner of 2 1/2 years just over a month ago. We have been living together for two years and had a good relationship until I started working long hours and becoming very stressed.
We had an argument and he asked me to move out. For the next two weeks we were in regular contact via text, he even took me out for dinner (which he has never done in the whole time we were together). We talked about where things had gone wrong and how we both needed to make changes to make our relationship work - I won't go into fine details. He left me feeling positive that we would get back together and everything would be OK, we even talked about selling his house (as he bought it with an ex partner) and buying our own together!
I went away for a weekend with family and went to visit him as soon as I came back (this was two weeks after the split) I came back to a totally different man, he had bought new clothes, the house was spotless and I saw evidence that he'd had someone staying over - he told me he'd had a few mates round for drinks over the weekend.
He seemed distant and I asked him about where we stand, he said he was unsure. He got a text, said he was nipping out, came back 15 minutes later and told me that there was no way we could get back together. I was devastated!
I asked him outright if he had found someone else and he looked me in the eye and said no - he wanted to be on his own for a while to find himself.
Later that evening I drove past the house to find the car of a girl 13 years younger than him that I have accused him of "emotionally cheating" on me with (secret texts, social networking etc), parked on the driveway!
I later found out he started seeing her that weekend I was away.
Now she's moved in, I'm left buying furniture for my own place - I furnished the house and he won't give me anything back, I've seen her walking our dog!
I feel like he's just "replaced" me straight away! He's even doing things for her that he would never do for me like letting her park her car on the drive, taking her out for meals, buying her flowers etc!
Why do men do this? Is she just a rebound? Its driving me crazy!!

adam_89 · Aug 24, 2010, 01:45 PM

She sounds like a rebound to me. From this post and reading your other post in the other thread it sounds like he is worthless anyway so don't worry about him. He almost sounds like he doesn't want to be alone but at the same time is afraid of commitment. Just know you are better and can do better.

choirgirl · Aug 24, 2010, 01:49 PM

Thanks Adam.
I've had a lot of problems with him for the past few months, I suppose you have read my other posts.
I just feel like I'm the one being laughed at here! I'm moving to a new town on Friday to be closer to work so hopefully that should help.
Its just horrible knowing that I've invested a lot of time, effort and money into our relationship and our house... only to be replaced by a younger model at the drop of a hat :(

BMI · Aug 24, 2010, 01:53 PM

I totally disagree with your title that men move ahead so quickly. I'd be able to produce an army of men who'd say the same about their ex-girlfriends. Coincidentally, it is usually the person whom was broken up with that observes the speed with which one moves on:)

Nothing really to do with your story so I do apoligize. I sympathize with what it is you are dealing with. Although, it almost seems as if you would be pleased to find out this was indeed just a rebound. I think you are attached to him and that is obviuos by the reactions you have shown that it is getting the better of you. Time will tell what is ahead but I'd wager you could do better than what you're allowing yourself to put up with.

adam_89 · Aug 24, 2010, 01:53 PM

Don't let that bother you, the past is the past and you have to keep your head up and know you are better than that worthless man. I suggest you take the time to heal, once you move into your new place and then find a much better guy, but take as much time as you need. I hope things look up for you real soon.

vanheart · Aug 24, 2010, 07:06 PM

You need to discover what it IS you want.

Sounds like you never got over your ex before this one. (from your previous post).

Remember this:
"I dont love my new boyfriend as much as I loved my ex"

If I were with a girl that was secretly pining over her ex. And said that, then, I would split.

When you realize what it is you want, you won't have to backpeddle anymore.

Forget both & move on.