[TheThinker]

Hey guys. First off let me say I think this forum is great with some great advice.

So here's my problem. My girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me about a month ago. She said she still loved me and wanted a future with me but felt she didn't have control of her life.she needed a chance to be single one last time before she made a long-term commitment to me. A few weeks before the break we talked about our future and possibilities of engagement (she brought it up). I was pretty surprised, but I saw where she was coming from so I supported her as best I could. We tried for a few weeks being broken up with limitations, where we didn't fool around with other people, but ultimately she said it wasn't going to work and she needed no boundaries to feel in control. Again, I wasn't happy about it but understood. She assured me she loved me and wasn't pursuing anything serious with other guys.

So here I am 3ish weeks into this breakup. I cut communication two weeks ago as talking during the breakup was a bad idea. Now she's turning into a very different person. She's sleeping over other guys houses regularly and is drinking almost every night (I know this from her Facebook statuses). I don't know details of what she's doing but based on messages people send her she's fooling around (i.e making out) with several different guys. Anything more on what she's done is pure speculation so I don't want to go into it. She is however going on a couple day vacation to another state with one of these guys. I'm not sure what to think of all of this. She told me she accepts that I could sleep around with other people, but I can't nor want to do it. I'm a very faithful person and have a hard time tolerating cheating, but given the circumstances it technically isn't. Sure feels like it is though!

She's pushing away her family and friends when people try to talk to her about our break up she won't talk to them. As the days go on she is doing crazier and crazier things. Her family and long-term friends (who love me), see her changing and she's running from them. She's only spending time with the people she's fooling around with, who are encouraging her to do more and more to try for a quick lay but aren't concerned for her emotional health and well-being. I'm worried sick for her that she's going to push things overboard and get hurt. We originally planned to have a meeting about a month after the breakup to discuss where we are and what we want to do.


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So I have a few questions, pick any or all to answer as you wish:).

1. is she someone I should try to wait for, or is she just trying to delay a permanent breakup? Knowing she's fooling around with other people crushes me, and I feel like I'm being strung along. I really love this girl and want to make it work, but if it's already over id rather use this time and move onward instead of mope around.

2. even if we do work through this, what is stopping it from happening again? And what kind of conditions should I take her back on? I'm afraid she's going to run when things aren't going well instead of working through them. Imagine this scenario if we were married with a kid? Not a position I want to be in.

3. am I wrong to feel like I'm being cheated on, or do you think that's an appropriate response? Going away for a few days with another guy seems to go beyond casual play, doesn't it? I know I wouldn't take a vacation with someone alone unless I was really interested in a relationship. I've been trying to work on being more comfortable with jealousy (were both jealous people), so any positive way of looking at this would provide me some thinking points.

Sorry for the length message, this is a complicated situation and its impossible for me to say everything. You guys are awesome, thanks for your time!

[londongirl111]

I am probably the last person on this site that should be giving advice seen as I can't figure out my own current situation but I can usually give advice I am just not so good at listening to my own advice. Here is what I think:

If she really really loves you then she should not want to have a time out and see other people and fool around with them, maybe a time out cos she is scared or maybe a time out to mend her head but def not a time out to fool around and go away with other guys. Yes, I think you can feel jealous to know that she is going on some trip with a random guy, it is natural, you love this girl and didn't ask for a break up. I cannot answer the question about whether it will happen again, but I totally agree with you when you said, what if this happens again when u are married and there are children involved. That is something you really need to think about. She shouldn't be playing you like this and then coming back when she has had all the fun and you have sat around and waited for her, do you think that is fair?? I certainly don't. I think you are being played and its not fair. You sound like a really decent guy who loves this girl with all your heart and it is not fair what she is doing to you. I know its hard (Gosh do I know), but I think that maybe you do need to move on and find someone who loves you, respects your relationship and wants to be with you. (wish I could take this advice which is why I know it is hard), but as someone on this site said to me. Time heals you. I hope this helps x

[TheThinker]

Thank you so much for that, its so helpful to get an outside perspective!

Also to add to my original post, we're both in our early 20's.

I do love her and the relationship we had, we were both very considerate of each other and respected each others feelings. People often told us we had such a spark in our relationship even after 3 years, which was definitely true. And like I said, literally a couple weeks before she had brought up engagement and how she was excited for that day. Which is why this caught me off guard so much. But regardless, today is a different day and it takes two to tango.

You're absolutely right, I feel like I am being played - an excuse to be unfaithful is still unfaithfulness no matter how good the excuse. The thing is, I only know bits and pieces of what's going on (she doesn't write details). I know about her kissing other guys from a friend, and I know about this trip. But I have no idea what's happening (im not even "supposed" to know about the guy going with her on the trip, someone else asked me about it then told me). Next thing I'm doing is getting off Facebook because that is poison to me right now and causing me nothing but grief.

I cannot tell if she is keeping things to herself to try to get this out of her system without hurting me (she knows how faithful I am), or if she is ashamed of what she's doing and keeping things from loved ones. What makes it harder is that her circle of friends are very open with each other and casually kiss with nothing behind it, so she's comfortable in this environment. It makes it a stickier situation since things that would normally have some meaning (i.e kissing) are things they just do for fun.

We're both pretty young (still in college). I've always been the stable one in the relationship. Thinking back I recall her occasionally saying how she wished she were more in-tune with what she wants like I am. Looking back at what I've written here, it looks like she's afraid of committing before she's certain this is what she wants. Does that seem true?

Time absolutely heals. I've had over a month now including our trial break to think about things. I've done a lot of writing, shed a lot of tears, but I think I'm finally starting to figure out the situation. And it helps so much having outside opinions and support!

[talaniman]

So I have a few questions, pick any or all to answer as you wish.

1. is she someone I should try to wait for, or is she just trying to delay a permanent breakup? Knowing she's fooling around with other people crushes me, and I feel like I'm being strung along. I really love this girl and want to make it work, but if it's already over id rather use this time and move onward instead of mope around.
It is over from the way it was and you SHOULD move onward instead of mope around. I doubt you want who comes back from this break, especially since you are who you are and should expect the same thing basically from your partner. The only thing this break is about is her doing her thing but its NOT cheating since she dumped you already. Matter of fact, if she finds some one better than you, she just doesn't have to come back at all, does she???
2. even if we do work through this, what is stopping it from happening again? And what kind of conditions should I take her back on? I'm afraid she's going to run when things aren't going well instead of working through them. Imagine this scenario if we were married with a kid? Not a position I want to be in.
Work what out??? That she did her thing, and is tired, and wants you back? If you allow her back, she will surely know she can put you on hold and do her thing again. This is but a preview of what life will be with her.
3. am I wrong to feel like I'm being cheated on, or do you think that's an appropriate response? Going away for a few days with another guy seems to go beyond casual play, doesn't it? I know I wouldn't take a vacation with someone alone unless I was really interested in a relationship. I've been trying to work on being more comfortable with jealousy (were both jealous people), so any positive way of looking at this would provide me some thinking points.
Yes you are wrong to feel you are being cheated on because you are not in a commitment at this time. Whats being cheated on is the commitment to each other that you had and is, or should be fore you to walk away and disappear from her life, and rebuild your own with someone who doesn't resort to lies and games to do their (wild) thing with others. Thats only a sign that she is not ready for what you want, and doesn't want the same things you do. But you need to know, is this didn't happen over night. She has been thinking long and hard about a break to get away from you, but of course she waited until SHE was ready to tell you so most likely she fed you all the gobble-de-goop you wanted to hear so you would NOT get the idea you were being kicked to the curb, and you would NOT kick her to the curb, before she was ready to leave and had her plan ready to go.

Sorry for your loss, its really hard to go through a break (UP) for any reason. But the solutions is to have no more Contact with her, and heal, and move on.

Feel free to ask any questions you still have.

[TheThinker]

Talaniman thanks so much for your thoughts, I think you're 100% right as hard as it is to hear.

My feelings have blinded me from the true situation. If the love was there, she wouldve stayed to work it out, right? And certainly not reacted this crazily, even if she did need freedom. She told me from the start of the break that she was just looking for one last burst of freedom before she committed but I think you're right - this was just a way for her to slowly detatch until she was ready to move forward. Even if she does want back in I'm afraid this whole situation has hurt me so much that starting back up would feel like a scarred relationship and take a lot of effort to fix that she can't commit to fixing.

My only question is this: when she and I talk in a week, what do I do? Is there no situation where I could salvage the 3 1/2 years of relationship building? I would hate to give this up if she truly is ready to move forward with me. I just don't know how to conduct the conversation to figure that out - or if there is even any way to do so. Do I ask her what she needs or lay out my terms first? First and foremost, I want to bring closure to this whole debacle, regardless of what happens between us.

Any ideas would be awesome!

[talaniman]

my only question is this: when she and I talk in a week, what do I do?

Listen carefully, if you chose to have the talk. I would NOT, because my mind would be made up already.

is there no situation where I could salvage the 3 1/2 years of relationship building?

I feel that has already passed. I seriously doubt after not knowing what she wanted before, run out and party her butt of will make her a better partner after all this time. If she was unsure, and unwilling after 3 and a half years, chances are she will be reluctant now. The main thing would be that she wasn't honest about this feeling, and that will forever have you wandering when, and if that feeling comes back. And when you condone bad behavior, you will surely get more.

I would hate to give this up if she truly is ready to move forward with me. I just don't know how to conduct the conversation to figure that out - or if there is even any way to do so.

Forget conversation then and let action be what your about. As I said before, have your plan, your timetable, as what counts now. That means a decision by you, and stick to it. You already have enough facts in front of you to make a decision and a plan, in your time, on your terms. thats the goal. She did NOT consult with you about her plans, so why are you allowing the time and terms to be of her choosing?? Not logical to me at all.

do I ask her what she needs or lay out my terms first?

To late for that my friend, sorry that should have been the first thing from your mouth when see first came up with this cockamamie scheme in the first place.

first and foremost, I want to bring closure to this whole debacle, regardless of what happens between us.

Your closure is your acceptance to what has transpired already. From here on out, its about YOUR dignity, and self respect. Not whether she is coming back.

That's where your focus should be, on your decision, and what you do about it. Not if she is coming back, or what she needs from you. Trust me I understand your confusion, this was sudden and out of the blue. But don't be thrown off by that, put yourself as a priority, and maybe YOU are the one who really needs time to re evaluate your own position, your own feelings, your own needs, as she has done, and what the hurry for that?


Talaniman Rules-Never assume that your feelings are shared by any one else.

Talaniman Rule-When they ask for a break, give it to them and do your own thing.

Talaniman Rules- when you get dumped, don't go back to get dumped again

Talaniman Rule- When they need space, give it to them, and disappear from their lives. This allows you to heal.

Talaniman Rule- Never allow an ex to make rules for what you do.

Talaniman Rule- Never wait when you get dumped. Get your own life and let them get theirs.

Talaniman Rule-Never follow your heart when it's so broken, it makes the brain feel like mush

Talaniman Rule- While they are dumping you, never say you can't be friends. Agree to whatever she wants, then disappear from their life.

Talaniman Rule- If one female isn't available, there are millions that are. Don't get stuck on one who is BUSY with other things.

Talaniman Rule - Don't miss other opportunities and options because your stuck on someone who is not as stuck on you, that's just plain crazy.

Talaniman Rule- Don't play games with your heart, and don't let somebody else play games with it either.

Talaniman Rule- Never get so carried away by feelings that you can't see the facts.

Talaniman Rule - If they can't treat them like you want to be treated, don't mess around with them.

Talaniman Rule- When you allow bad behavior, you will get it.

Never make a person a priority in your life, while allowing them to make you an option in theirs.

[londongirl111]

I would not ask for this talk, if she wants to have it in a week then so be it, however don't be the one to call her up or even text her and ask her if she wants to have it, at the end of the day I think you need to be a bit harder on her, kind of let her know that you are not going to wait around for her and beg her to have this chat with you, if you do she will think, here we go I can get away with this, he still loves me and will wait for me forever, you need to show her (even if it hurts you and you don't want to) that you are OK without her and that you not waiting around. Maybe she will come back actually I am pretty sure that she will stop to wonder why you haven't text her, called her or are sitting around and waiting for her. I still don't think what she is doing to do you is fair though and I also think that you guys are really young. I have never ever taken anyone's advice before except for over the past few days and you know what it is working. Take these people's advice, because tonight with my situation it proved to work. :)

Good luck with this all, again remember times heals my friend, if she is meant to be then she wouldn't be causing you this much heart ache and pain. Again like I have said before you sound like an awesome guy, one that deserves to be treated well and with respect.

[TheThinker]

Thanks both for the reply! I think you're spot on - thinking back to my past breakups this is the advice I would give. I'm not ready to think about other women yet, but she is not right for me now... maybe forever. Waiting around to see how the situation unfolds will only set me up for hurt. Because even if things did work out, they'd be on her terms. I absolutely don't want to condone what she's done to me. I have more self-respect than that.

[sackariah]

I am in a similar situation. I had been dating this girl for three years. For the first two I was flighty and a challenge. She was always trying to win me over. The last year I really committed. I moved in, and started treating her right. Out of no where she tells them she needs space. I fell in love with this girl. I had started to see my future with her marriage kids etc. I tried to stay in contact with her to prove my love, but the more I talked to her the less she cared to talk to me. After about three weeks I realized, if she is going to quit this easy- what happens when we have kids or get married. Moving out of our house was complicated enough. By the way she talks to me I think she is hanging out with other guys. I know that it is hard when you love someone to let go, but if you want her to take you back then your best bet is to move past her. Become the person you were before your lives were intertwined, and improve yourself. I know from my situation I had gotten too comfortable and was not progressing in life. After my girl broke up with me I though that I wouldn't be interested in other girls, but I kept myself as busy as possible. Hung out with friends whenever I could, and when there was no opportunity I made one. After just under a month of this lifestyle I had a great conversion with a nice girl. I realized that night that it is follish to sit waiting for a girl who had tossed me aside so easily. At this point I haven't given up on her, but I feel that if she wants me back she has to win me back. I didn't do all that much wrong. Could I have been better? Of coures, but she could have been better as well. Since I have started moving on, my ex has been much more concerned in what I am doing.

To break it down simple ask yourself a few questions-

1. Would you have left her in the way she left you?
2. If she tossed you aside once what is to stop her from doing it again?
3. Is she the only girl you could ever be with?
4. Did you have a great relationship?

If you feel like getting back together with her my best advice from someone in the middle of the same situation is to move on. Do you have to another girl? NO! Although do not take that possibility off the table. By my estimation she is sleeping around, is that something you can forgive? If you forgive it does that set you up to be cheated on again?

In the end you must listen to how you feel. The girl who dumped me without reason was the best girl I ever had, but that does not mean she is the best girl I will ever have.