[wfurr36]

First off I'd like to thank anyone in advance that might be able to help me, although I believe that I already know what I'll be hearing from my question, so here goes nothing!

My girlfriend and I are both 19, and we've been going out for a little over 2.5 years. Like every relationship, it's had it's ups and downs, but for the most part we haven't fought much, and if we have, we it's been little petty arguments. We see each other at least 4/7 days of the week, and that's while juggling between work, school, and other commitments. I'm happy on all aspects, and maybe I'm happy with this one too, but just confused.

I feel like my girlfriend doesn't have a sex drive. Now, before I get asked the question, yes, we're both virgins, and yes, I definitely realize that sex is not all there is in a relationship. Hell, I've never done the deed, so how should I know what's missing? The problem here is, that I'm curious, where my girlfriend just seems perfectly content with just making out. And by just making out, I mean she won't let me touch her at all around her sexual parts (Other than her breasts). Well, I'll say once in a while, but it's only through her shorts/skirt/whatever she's wearing that day. Also, she seems to absolutely refuse to touch me down there at all, not even through my jeans, no nothing...and I just feel like after 2.5 years, that making out should at least turn into something a little more...especially when we both love each other. It's not just about feeling good sexually, it's about being more intimate because we love each other. At least, that's what I thought. I really don't mind waiting for sex, but if I could just get SOMETHING I'd like it.

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has come across a similar circumstance, and if you were able to talk to your partner about it, and what came from it? P.S. Sorry for the short story.

[J_9]

Have you talked to her about this? Does she want to save her virginity for marriage? Is it for religious reasons.

I wish we could answer your questions, but we aren't in her mind. Only she knows why she holds back.

[Wondergirl]

I really don't mind waiting for sex, but if I could just get SOMETHING I'd like it.

It sounds like you DO mind waiting for sex. Once she allows you to touch her or she touch you with clothes on or without, you will want more (and she knows she probably will too). Once the snowball starts to roll down the hill, it will want to continue.

What "something" will be enough for you? Knowing what I know about sex, one thing will lead to another and trying something will cause you to want to try something else. She's saying, for whatever reason, let's not push the snowball down the hill.

[Alty]

I'm wondering the same thing J_9 is wondering.

Obviously there's a reason you're both waiting to have sex. If it's for religious reasons she may feel that any sexual contact of any kind is only for marriage.

I had a friend who was Baptist, she was a bridesmaid at my wedding and for the first dance, my husband and I, my bridesmaids and his groomsmen were supposed to dance with us. She refused because it's her belief that dancing can lead to sexual thoughts and therefore it's taboo.

This could be the same thing. Kissing may be fine, and touching her breasts may be borderline, but everything else, taboo.

You really need to talk to her about it though. We can guess, but like J said, we aren't in her head, so we have no idea what she's thinking.

If you're in it for the long haul, learn to talk to her about the things that are bothering you, it will help you a lot in your future lives together. It's trite, but true, communication is key in any relationship.

Besides, if you can't talk to the one you love, who can you talk to? ;)

[Wondergirl]

I had a friend who was Baptist, she was a bridesmaid at my wedding and for the first dance, my husband and I, my bridesmaids and his groomsmen were supposed to dance with us. She refused because it's her belief that dancing can lead to sexual thoughts and therefore it's taboo.

I wasn't allowed to go to high school dances because (I was told) my passions would become inflamed and out of control. My father was a Lutheran minister and held me up to the congregation as an example of purity.

Now you understand why I am warped.

You may be right about this young woman.

[Cat1864]

If you can't talk to her about why she doesn't seem as curious as you do, how are you going to talk to her about other sexual matters?

Are you really ready to follow where curiousity leads or are you just frustrated because she doesn't seem to be? In other words: Is her seeming lack of curiousity making yours stronger?

[courtney515]

If she isn't religious, maybe it's simply because she is nervous and inexperienced.

[smoothy]

Maybe she values her virginity... and knows what it really means to be a virgin.

You have to respect her wishes. After all, without her VOLUNTARY participation, its called rape.

Good point to remember.

Who says she doesn't have an urge anyway? Just because she won't put out for you? I'll bet she does but values saving her virginity for the man who values her enough to marry her... until that time you could simply walk away.

Anyway... you are very WRONG in thinking you are entitled to sex from anyone you are dating. I will make the argument that if you was married , that argument might hold water. But you aren't. Be happy with what you have, if sex is all you care about... leave her and find a hooker. It IS her life and she does have the right to decide who can and can't touch her in her intimate areas. And if you think she isn't fully aware of what you are trying to do... you are sadly deluding yourself. You are trying to push he into doing something she doesn't want to do. How would you feel if per say... (this is totally out of left field and hypothetical)... she desired to watch you perform fellatio on her pet Bull Mastiff. Not a pleasant thought, right... would you be more inclined to do it because she reminds you how much she loves you and if you did you would do it for her...

extreme example of course... but when you get right down to it... same basic reasons.

[CravenMorhead]

The base question: I am wrong to want this?

No. Welcome to the world of being a adult male. Your hormones program you to want to spread your seed. You are just listening to the background biology of yourself. You are not wrong to want this.

The fun thing about sex is that you need at least two to tango. This is where your problem lies. You want this, which is perfectly normal, and she doesn't. Figure out why she doesn't. Is it, as suggested earlier, religion or she just wants to be pure for her wedding night. There could be health concerns as well, an unwanted pregnancy, or it could just be fear that it will hurt. If you're afraid that it will hurt than it probably will and that will suck.

Talk to her. This is one of those taboo topics that people have trouble talking about but you're going to need to. That's just life.

[excon]

Hello w:

Way back in the 50's, when I was a whippersnapper, girls didn't have sex. So, I grew up thinking, girls didn't LIKE sex, cause they didn't do it.

Or, so I thought. I was wrong. Boy, was I wrong. What girls are good at, is acting... Guys aren't. That's why you need to talk to her. You'll NEVER figure her out by her ACTIONS.

excon

[simoneaugie]

Good advise above. The religious and personal views of each of you need to be addressed. But, my female angle on the situation is a little different.

They say that the most important sexual organ is the brain. That's why communication is so important. For me, sex is a whole body experience, I like anticipation, the game. I begin to relax and trust if he pets my head. That's me though. Every woman has different needs, what are hers?

Men are usually too direct, going quickly for the three main points of interest. They grab and paw at the obvious, ignoring the important. They want their penis grabbed, stroked fondled. That rush towards the main sex parts turns me off so fast! I need to build trust first.

What part of her body causes her to sigh and stretch when you touch it? What caress causes her to feel safe with you? Some women really like having their breasts fondled. I hate it. A guy who grabs at my crotch after a few kisses, is so irritating!

For a woman, trust is paramount. Men do share some vulnerability during sex but a woman, whether she is just considering sex or actually doing it is opening her self to an invasion. Even if the invasion is only a theory and an idea, there it is.

Actually, the word invasion isn't quite right. A rectal exam from your doctor is an invasion plain and simple. Sex touches the spiritual and emotional parts of the self. It connects two bodies in more ways than just the physical.

I read somewhere that a woman's skin is 90% more sensitive than a man's. Don't know if that's true. But in my experience, most men have to be taught that a light touch is generally more effective than removal of the first layer of skin. And most women use too light of a touch on the penis until shown what feels best.

Communication. And then you have to discuss it again 'cause people change all the time.