[Outoftime44]

Cut out the best parts of this thread and posted them in a document to read when I get weak again. Some words of wisdom here.

[Outoftime44]

Ahhh I still look to the phone for her to contact me. I have become so aware of the mistakes in the relationship, I want to fix them. I don't like losing.

Myself confidence has started to come back this week big time.

From hating myself and my existence on Monday, to today wanting to live life and do my best and be better. Been a battle to get to this point for 5 weeks.

I broke 17 days of no contact yesterday :/ but it felt good. I wrote an email of things I wanted to get off my chest.

She forwards my emails to her trash basket, yet checks her trash and read the e-mail within 30 minutes of me sending it. No reply. Wasn't expecting it. But it was my first contact with her not out of desperation, but with a real perspective on things. So it felt good.

Now I see the point of NC. Now I am wondering what her reaction was. If there was any. So I see NC's beauty right now.

Just need more time more time more time...

Going to the therapist today.

I read this in a book by Deepak Chopra I am reading "People often want to be rescued by love, and thus love gets tied to escapism and fear. Things you are afraid of, such as loneliness, isolation, and not fitting in, must be sorted out and healed on their own, not masked by throwing yourself into a relationship with someone you think will solve your fears for you."

So true... but problem with my all my new insight is that, among other things I learned to meditate, is that I want to lay her on her back and teach her to relieve her stress.

Becoming more and more confuseddddd... Love/hate/confusion/etc. Definitely not ready for another person in my life...

[vanheart]

"Now I am wondering what her reaction was. If there was any. So I see NC's beauty right now."

You got that right.

"that I want to lay her on her back and teach her to relieve her stress"

Relieve your own stress. You have all the time in the world.

[Outoftime44]

Yeah no contact is the way to go. I'm firm now. I just can't shake the hope of being back in her life and having her in mine. I was so happy when we were together, just got off
Track.

[vanheart]

Stick with it.

Its fine to get things off your chest, but for you. Not her. No reason to end up in her "trash can"

Again.

[lifeistough75]

One thing is for sure, I am glad you are going to therapy.

[Outoftime44]

One thing is for sure, I am glad you are going to therapy.

My head got messed up over the last 6 months with all the ups and downs and obsessions and break ups and professions of love and drama. Definitely need it.

[Outoftime44]

God she really did love me and stand beside me through so much crap I put her through, but honestly, the way our relationship was set up, losing ourselves in it, and losing my trust after she kissed the celeb, I just couldn't handle it.

Mistake after mistake made... and I want it back, a do-over. All my friends and family now think she is nuts, but I love her and can't stop. I started to get controlling, insecure, jealous... I mean I guess it was inevitable with the weight of marriage and an abortion and no other life besides each other. Just wish we could do it right without mistake after mistake, without losing respect for each other.

[vanheart]

You can run the tapes all you want, but isn't going to change things now.

All you can do now is heal & move forward, become better.

[Outoftime44]

You can run the tapes all you want, but aint gonna change things now.

All you can do now is heal & move forward, become better.

Thanks. I am reading your thread still. It is very informative. Sounds like a terrible situation you were in. How are you doing now?

I don't know to be happy or glad I was probably 50% at fault... leaves me half hate/half regret, but to be completely blindsided, must have sucked.

I am trying to figure out what type of personality disorder my ex had. I think something like social anxiety disorder, to make everyone like you, because she has some aspects of the narcist, but was a nice person, just desperate to always look good and cover up here emotions.

She was super super emotional and would not admit it, finally she did when the emotions got out of control, but no one in the world - literally no one knows how emotional she is but me.

[vanheart]

Im way better than I was a year ago, that's for sure.

But I worked really hard at it. Did lots of soul searching.

Not a day goes by where it doesn't enter my mind, but like I mentioned before, those thoughts are fleeting.

We all have good days & bad, But its up to us to seek more of the good days.

Nothing wrong with understanding the kind of person you got with, but I suggest, more importantly, getting to know who YOU are. And the decisions you, made, make (and will make)

You will find your own methods.

Just be careful not to dwell, needlessly. Use every feeling that you have good or bad, to your advantage.

Time is on your side. And heals all wounds.

[Outoftime44]

Im way better than I was a year ago, thats for sure.

But I worked really hard at it. Did lots of soul searching.

Not a day goes by where it doesnt enter my mind, but like I mentioned before, those thoughts are fleeting.

We all have good days & bad, But its up to us to seek more of the good days.

Nothing wrong with understanding the kind of person you got with, but I suggest, more importantly, getting to know who YOU are. And the decisions you, made, make (and will make)

You will find your own methods.

Just be careful not to dwell, needlessly. Use every feeling that you have good or bad, to your advantage.

Time is on your side. And heals all wounds.

It's hardest not to dwell in regret for things I would have done differently. I have only been broken for 5 weeks now though, so hopefully it will get better.

I am severely addicted still and want her to come back to me. But I need to be me in order for my life to go on effectively. It is all clear, yet I lose focus, lose myself in my mistakes.

Can't believe I sent an email yesterday. Bad idea, but it felt so good, to get off my chest, to be heard... but now I am left wondering it was a mistake.

Have you found anyone else since then?

[vanheart]

Nope. Needed to heal first.

But I have really great friends.

I miss having a girlfriend sometimes, but what I don't miss is being with a user & abuser, That's for sure!!

Mistakes lead us to success.

[Outoftime44]

Nope. Needed to heal first.

But I have really great friends.

I miss having a gf sometimes, but what I dont miss is being with a user & abuser, Thats for sure!!!

Mistakes lead us to success.

Yeah having a GF is nice... I miss all the planning, moments shared, moments would easily keep on sharing if our heads were on straight.

Its become a battle not to contact again. I am sure she is expecting me too. So I need to stand tall stand tall.

I'm moving to London September 10, I'll try to replace her there... SHe is moving to London Sept 12... finally in the same CITY after a year apart! And this happens.

Someday she is going to realize I am not the only one to blame... and miss me if she doesn't already.

I know for a fact she loves me... Last time something like this happened she came back after a week and a half...

I don't think I could trust her ever again though... but she can only be as upset as she is if she really loved me...

Although in her goodbye email to me "I love everything that is you, but can't live with it. We both have a lot of growing to do. I see you searching for something and the nurturing side was trying to give it to you. I'll always love you."

And coldness after it...

[vanheart]

"I'll try to replace her there...."

Wrong attitude.

Heal first.

"'ll always love you." And coldness after it...
There's words, but actions reveal.

Stay NC.

[Outoftime44]

"I'll try to replace her there...."

Wrong attitude.

Heal first.

"'ll always love you." And coldness after it...
Theres words, but actions reveal.

Stay NC.

Damn starting NC all over again is harder than keeping it going... Empowered her with my email. Oh well its done.

She doesn't give a F about my feelings right now... wait actually she does. She cares enough to try to put the screws in and hurt them.

She knows saying "I'll always love you, but can't live with you" would really get to me.

I want to call her out on her crap, but that won't get me anywhere.

I'm so confused between wanting her and hating her. It's a horrible place to be.

Refusing to ever have a conversation with me after sending me home on a train. Why do I care so much? Obviously it was not meant to be...

[vanheart]

"Obviously it was not meant to be...."

Yup.

See? You broke NC expecting some response. Now you are feeling like crap because of it.

The only screws that are being put in now are self-inflicted.

[Outoftime44]

"Obviously it was not meant to be...."

Yup.

See? You broke NC expecting some response. Now you are feeling like crap because of it.

The only screws that are being put in now are self-inflicted.

Damn you're exactly right, that is exactly what happened.

Huge mistake that seemed so right.

After 17 days of NC I started to feel like she was my friend again, I forgot how cold she was to me.

Worst part is, in my mind, I was thinking - what could she reply that would be a good answer? There was no good reply that she could give that I would be happy with. Even lets get back together wouldn't make me happy. I was playing with fire with no possible gain.

[vanheart]

Exactly. Don't let those "what ifs" enter your head.

Its done, in the past. Now stay NC forever.

I will tell you one thing, no future girl in her right mind will want an obsessive, clingy, insecure guy that is still pining over his ex. That's for damn sure...

[Outoftime44]

Exactly. Dont let those "what ifs" enter your head.

Its done, in the past. Now stay NC forever.

I will tell you one thing, no future girl in her right mind will want an obsessive, clingy, insecure guy that is still pining over his ex. Thats for damn sure.....

You're absolutely right. Got to get my head on straight. It's just been torn off for 6 months of an obsessive destructive relationship.

I don't know why my head won't stop thinking this crazy ***** was the best thin that ever happened to me. She kicked me out via train while meeting her parents and I still want her back lol.

Can't wait to get another 17 nc under my belt and my therapy sessions done